3 Weeks to Go

I have already shaved my head once more since that last post. I have also bought a laptop so now I can write better…more conveniently, well when I am moved and less lazy. Today, I colored the little bit of hair that was on my head. Marvelous. I think 2018 will continue to be a year of cut and color, I think. Why not? I am not as attached to the hair it seems; plus there are wigs.

In personal life. I am not a good partner…well I am good in knowing that I think as a partner I need to be alone. That’s hard to break down to someone who loves me and wants to “build” a life with and around me….I might not be the one to do it with though. In 23 days its move time again. Again and finally and at last and really? This one for good-good. No matter after that where I end up, it won’t be back here with the folks – that’s for sure.

This 2018 has been real with relationships…and I mean real-real brutal at times, but also really good. Letting go of those who literally do not want me in their lives. I respect that. As is it’s already a congested sort of existence with the interwebs like totally infringing upon each others lives, so instead of fighting what people want. More importantly also, it is about personal boundaries. I realize I have some of my own, just like the people rejecting me from their lives and well I respect our choices. Not everything is so dramatic though. We hurt people, we make them happy and we just all at the end of it all are learning to exist under one roof in this life. With that said I am 23 days from moving. Still a lot to do and a ton of work in between. It will be well, because it IS well all along.

 

 

When I met you I didn’t know I found my gem…

Almost three years ago we met on a beach. I was punished for being there. It was a coping space from which I found hard to leave because we met. I met him then and didn’t even know I had it in me to feel that way again while still being the same hurt person. Last summer, I almost lost him. Being stuck in illusions, overwhelmed with realities and stuck in the vortex of the past – I almost lost him. I pushed him away, I ran away, I broke our ways. Then something clicked. I lost my passport, dignity, time, money, phone and illusions of the past. Ghosts that I created and cherished for so long that finally upon seeing the real thing again, I couldn’t deny anymore and appease the coping sense of my mind’s creations that the truth was always there in front of me too. I was not wanted, was told of that frankly after being cuddled in heaps of lies. I was hurt deeply. With scars I will carry to my grave or air, perhaps I will be cremated someday…who knows. Yet that too now passed. I am still standing and with love at that. Also, maturity knocked on my shoulders and frankly told me to stop being a wimp and a coward to even myself. Something clicked also when I unwaxed my ears from that sticky yet sweet layer of lies which I held on to so desperately. There was also a heap dash of illusions which were as equally sweet. But more importantly now, I finally heard him – the one who has been with me for nearly 3 years. And I still hear him more loudly now thankfully too.

Change is not easy. Especially when you gradually or for your whole life wanted something so badly and seemingly find it hard to get to. But then there is also hope. And with hope and honest love I think there is something real to actually get to – a path not only made by being alone yet with someone who sees the light in you which you have allowed to become dimmed for yourself to see anymore.

I’ve made grave mistakes. As a result some relations are gone or gravely severed. I am remorseful on my end for causing frictions and dissent. Also I am more accepting of change. Of time passing, of people changing and moving forward even without me in mind.

Ase to my truth, my love for you, and us.

I miss writing, I miss me when I used to write…I’m writing now

Long title. But today I felt like actually coming through and sitting down to actually write. Write, write, to write, to say something to say my words out loud on the screen, this screen – our screen.

I feel better. This morning I dragged myself out of bed, feeling sorry for myself. Critical of myself and yet determined to change up my hair. So it is changed. Yet again. Like me. Like all of me that keeps changing and changing and coming up with more things to change. The 5 minute journal that my sister gifted me 3 years ago finally found it’s birth last night. I started to write there for the first time. My new journal for 2018. Will this year be better? I think so. Honestly. I don’t feel as “only numb” but thawed in many ways finally….eventually.

My hair is giving me life. I woke up this morning determined to change it yet again and now I did. And to think that 3+ years ago I thought I would just keep going with that “curly revival” and never touch it. Funny. My hair died when my innocence was being crushed yet again in Ghana 1 year ago actually. Or going on 2 actually already?Time….this thing of time which just drifts farther and farther away is a strange thing.

Last summer finally I began to grasp that time is a rapid thing. A thing that never stood still even when my ordinary days in Ghana felt like eternities in passing. One day had 48 hours it seemed. I was wrong. People moved on in other parts, broke down, found new things, made new people and prices went up and changed. As I had changed so did they…and the places that I knew too. Prices went up, Berlin boomed and continues to boom and kind of also push me away. Or I would say repelling actually…something like that.

I’m talking to him now as he called. Long-distance requires respect of time differences. And this post came to a holt and I only now realizing that it was 3 days ago when I first began to write it (yes it is now the 11th and I’m back to finish it). He called and then my writing stopped. When someone is talking to you, listen, give them your full attention or at least try.

So now it is Thursday, and I am going soon back to my old university for a job orientation. Albeit not the kind of job I thought I would be doing on that campus after spending thousands of dollars on my education there, but alas I am content! I just hope as I wrote in my journal this morning I won’t be too overwhelmed and too proud to work in the food industry after my education and “other” pursuits and failures. It’s all part of my journey, and as I wrote in my journal today I hope to respect it and the pace at which my life takes to get to my true independence. Which is my lifelong dream for myself. Humble.

Not happy – confessions of the late 20’s

Yes, I have not been happy for a very long time. In a way that feels rather surreal even. The shift happened, I had acknowledged it a while back and now what? Well it becomes your reality. Depression. Yes, those are cyclical, also admittedly so. I’ve shied away from writing these thoughts also out of laziness too. Now I guess, I could pat myself on the back for finally doing it. Admitting these things a little bit more louder.

Yet again I find myself in Germany. For what? Love, escape, longing, search and assertion of privileges. I used to be so cool and feel that way too, where is that woman now? We change, things change, life changes.

I guess I am still somewhat cool, a little battered and emotionally dull and numb but somewhat and somehow still not all is lost. This is the last year of the 20s after all too.

 

Serving others (with gratitude and hunger) Serves Me

Another day has already begun. Days can begin with heavy thoughts and sensations sometime, but then you can re-focus on what is more important and the weight becomes less burdensome. I think this is called maturity or Divine Timing in people’s lives, when we can recognize these things from having paid attention to life’s daily lessons.

Also, today some years ago a very special woman was born. She grew to touch the lives of many and also my own. Today as always I extend my love to her through the distance of time and space as she is far away in Germany. I am grateful for her being and being in my life from an early age. Happy Birthday Susichka. You are a friend, a mother, a muse, a source of strength, joy, inspiration, and aspiration in my life. I am infinitely grateful for you in this world and your genuine spirit which you share so generously.

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“Giving to others through service is simply recognizing what you do best in any given moment and offering that as a gift to someone else.”

As the day goes on I will carry on today’s mediation core lesson “Serving others serves me.” Yes, this is my prayer. Always has been and I know will continue on to  however long my life will continue to go on. How do you serve you ask? By being yourself. Yes, by being the authentic, real genuine you. Understanding your own unique talent and sharing that with others. Are you a great hug giver, listener, mathematician, singer, writer, lover, cleaner and many other things? Yes, I am sure you are. I know I am a very loving, dedicated, genuinely sincere person who is imperfect and finds perfection in that. I see the imperfections of others too and love them dearly. I am blessed to have my doubts, confidence, fears, hopes and gratitude. I always have been and am hungry to exchange, share, give and receive. These things and more. Finding my purpose sharing it with others and receiving from the universe. That is me.

Today is the last day with my hair as well. A new journey is going to begin tomorrow. One of the best compliments I received was yesterday which went like this “You like change, I can see that in you.” Yes I embrace change and am on a continuous journey to embrace change without fear but pure anticipation and gratitude that it always brings, while being my authentic self.

I wish you all a wondrous day. In spite of dull and tough moments during the day which are bound to happen remember (and I will do the same very consciously and actively, I promise to myself); we can serve by simply and most importantly being the real wonderful ourselves, which we already are and can continue to uncover for as long as we are breathing in this world. And recognizing those whom we love and admire is a gift and yet another service which we receive. I am deeply grateful for everything.