This is it. Life does not stop, no wait it does but only when you are dead. At least the kind of life that we know IN any case, the point is this is the last day of the month. November 30.
The holiday season has been proving to be quite heavy for me. I get it now. It’s ok, there is no self judgement in that. I’m healing and it might take a long time too and that is also ok. Self judgment is not part of my lifestyle…at least intentionally. It creeps up on me at times but I like to think that I tame that monster efficiently whenever I can.
Last week I walked my talk. The hair did get chopped. The liberation of it all was indescribable as in literally I do not have the words to describe it. It was a feeling and IS a feeling that found a new tenancy within my soul, my whole being. My new tapered fro is my new love. My best friend left me a voicemail complimenting me that I look very “Purple Rainish” a.k.a. Prince like! Yes I will take that one. Overall the love on my hair has been very nice to hear, the support is very appreciated and cherished. Above all I think it is obvious also to people that it is not only about hair. It’s much deeper than that. It is for me. I did this for the little girl in me that grew up with tough self-thoughts and skewed self-image which was affected by her surroundings. I did it for my present self who is becoming into a woman. And I did it for my future self who will someday become a mother to children who will undoubtedly look up to me. In a nutshell something like that. Something like that while so much more. At the moment I do not want to see a single straight hair coming out of my head. Straighteners step away! There is something fascinating though in seeing your face more vividly sans hair in the way….this is a big bag to talk about.
In the past couple of days I have been waking up with a mixed array of feelings. Mostly heavy once and throughout the day it has been roller coaster kind of situation. I think I am in mourning. For people and feelings of last year, this year…lifetime? Not sure it is hard to explain. I haven’t meditated yesterday and need to catch up. The challenge is going to be over in 2 days! Ughhh I’m going to miss it. Really. I’m glad my sister is recording the sessions so that could revisit them over and over again. They are really deep and soul wrenching like really deep! Not so easy to handle but very helpful and rich as well. I guess that’s also life in a nutshell – sweet and sour, heavy and light!
I think I’m just learning to love myself. For real this time around. I thought I always did, yes I do in a way but there is a path to still undergo for real self-love and a compassionate relationship with myself. In all forms. I’ll go meditate now. Seizing the moment at it’s inception is always a good thing.