Love again…Ever…? – Love note to self

Shit. Sometimes I wonder will I ever fall and keep in being in love for a long-long-time. Long enough to make and nourish babies, to grow old with and to just freaking shamelessly be obsessed with ? And most importantly be on the same wavelength with in all of these aspects. Hmmmmm. Today on the spearheading present February 12th of 2019, I don’t know yet. Perhaps. I dare to say I hope so – it’s an amazing feeling to live with actually. Would be amazing.

I am listening to Tim Maia – a blast from the past. Kisses to me. Le sigh.

Today was 3rd consecutive day of my yoga revival – trying to keep it up for as many days as possible. Wishing myself discipline to keep going forward. Love you my dear girl, I know you really are trying. Valentines day is everyday in my soul. Period.

 

 

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Post op

I am going to do a follow up; a follow up to my last post that is. I made it outside this Monday. I made it out of my flat. I didn’t do it alone. I reached out to my dear friend and said, “I need help, just support to leave my flat.” And there I was anxiously waiting for a response to my plea of support because I had to leave my flat. He dutifully came to me and we made it out of my flat together. We chatted to brake the oddity, he shared with me that I am valid and that I did the right thing to reach out. I am so grateful, with so much sincere gratitude. I have a lot of anxiety which is a part of my life’s journey, yet the amount of love I do have in my life to support me is also big in my life. I have my dear friends, alas not everyone is able to be here for me at all times in the way that I need them, but THERE are people who will be around when I ask. So Simon, thank you for lifting me out.

I think that since this year is ending soon and I am as always in everlasting transitions there sure is a lot of anxiety. And the internalized traumas are also there too. It is a no-brainer that last weekend’s emotional burn out happened. Just like that, as a byproduct of revolving anxiety and environmental factors which led to it. I feel good though right now (also my period is over so probably the hormonal intensity is balancing out) and even though next weeks are again going to be as potentially emotionally packed with anxiety, I have survived last weekend’s blow and well I believe and am hopeful that I can do it again.

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Happy Birthday

Dear me, I want to wish you a great day. A really, really, really great day. You have packed it with things to do and I hope that at each of those moments you remember how incredibly resilient, courageous, generous, and genuine you have been on your journey. You have also reflected and reflect on your shortcomings and for that I honor you too.

You keep coming a long way from long ways in your journey.

Happy Birthday, even if it is still all too new.

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Gratitude in simplicity

At this very moment I am in deep gratitude. In the feeling of deep gratitude for the events of today, the connections with new and establishing friends, the work that I am given, the body that endures and flourishes, the sister that I adore. I was trying to find my journal to jot these things into, however it seemed to nowhere to be found and I didn’t want my thoughts to vanish – the intensity of the gratitude to be diminished to be exact. It can’t be anyway, but I did want to have it in writing as soon as possible. Thank you – I give gratitude to the energy, the force, the particles and molecules, the chemistries, natures behavior for this day. The 27th of August, the last days of this year’s “perceived summer timeline.” Being in gratitude is soothing. Amen – that is my prayer, not over-zealously and actually without the traces of a propaganda-ted religious path but rather a spiritual yearning to embrace the ordinary miracles of the day. I felt. I could feel, receive, cherish – I could feel.

I hope to sleep better today, as I have broke into the work mode after several off days in a row and anxiously returning to work this past early morning. I hope to fly in my dreams tonight, to soar and feel – emotions and sensations of positive vibrations. Beautiful. My voice is powerful, necessary, precious. I am an embodiment of my own joy. Amen. Amen. Amen.

Axe to the glory of the Universe. Blessed be the night.

I smile in closing.

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3 Weeks to Go

I have already shaved my head once more since that last post. I have also bought a laptop so now I can write better…more conveniently, well when I am moved and less lazy. Today, I colored the little bit of hair that was on my head. Marvelous. I think 2018 will continue to be a year of cut and color, I think. Why not? I am not as attached to the hair it seems; plus there are wigs.

In personal life. I am not a good partner…well I am good in knowing that I think as a partner I need to be alone. That’s hard to break down to someone who loves me and wants to “build” a life with and around me….I might not be the one to do it with though. In 23 days its move time again. Again and finally and at last and really? This one for good-good. No matter after that where I end up, it won’t be back here with the folks – that’s for sure.

This 2018 has been real with relationships…and I mean real-real brutal at times, but also really good. Letting go of those who literally do not want me in their lives. I respect that. As is it’s already a congested sort of existence with the interwebs like totally infringing upon each others lives, so instead of fighting what people want. More importantly also, it is about personal boundaries. I realize I have some of my own, just like the people rejecting me from their lives and well I respect our choices. Not everything is so dramatic though. We hurt people, we make them happy and we just all at the end of it all are learning to exist under one roof in this life. With that said I am 23 days from moving. Still a lot to do and a ton of work in between. It will be well, because it IS well all along.

 

 

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Fear is trumping. I sense such good inner vibes of strength and calmness in me. Fear is a bad wolf which should not be invited to any dinners; really avoid at all costs. I suppose fearlessness with humility and trust in the Universe is a healing power which I chose to cultivate instead.

I would say I am poor, yet I do not starve. My health insurance is soon to be gone, yet I see venues to have the care I nee right now.

I said something very frank to my mother this morning. That we don’t have and never really did have much to talk about in general but it doesn’t mean I hate her. It is just how our relationship over the years unraveled. I am really learning to be content with that.

There are themed entries I would love to write about my experience in Berlin from my perspective which encompasses a very intricate self-identity. And another one on hair. My hair journey.

Now on to the daily tasks. These are mental notes for drafts.

Now

Aside

Random thoughts

This is it. Life does not stop, no wait it does but only when you are dead. At least the kind of life that we know IN any case, the point is this is the last day of the month. November 30. 

The holiday season has been proving to be quite heavy for me. I get it now. It’s ok, there is no self judgement in that. I’m healing and it might take a long time too and that is also ok. Self judgment is not part of my lifestyle…at least intentionally. It creeps up on me at times but I like to think that I tame that monster efficiently whenever I can. 

Last week I walked my talk. The hair did get chopped. The liberation of it all was indescribable as in literally I do not have the words to describe it. It was a feeling and IS a feeling that found a new tenancy within my soul, my whole being. My new tapered fro is my new love. My best friend left me a voicemail complimenting me that I look very “Purple Rainish” a.k.a. Prince like! Yes I will take that one. Overall the love on my hair has been very nice to hear, the support is very appreciated and cherished. Above all I think it is obvious also to people that it is not only about hair. It’s much deeper than that. It is for me. I did this for the little girl in me that grew up with tough self-thoughts and skewed self-image which was affected by her surroundings. I did it for my present self who is becoming into a woman. And I did it for my future self who will someday become a mother to children who will undoubtedly look up to me. In a nutshell something like that. Something like that while so much more. At the moment I do not want to see a single straight hair coming out of my head. Straighteners step away! There is something fascinating though in seeing your face more vividly sans hair in the way….this is a big bag to talk about. 

In the past couple of days I have been waking up with a mixed array of feelings. Mostly heavy once and throughout the day it has been roller coaster kind of situation. I think I am in mourning. For people and feelings of last year, this year…lifetime? Not sure it is hard to explain. I haven’t meditated yesterday and need to catch up. The challenge is going to be over in 2 days! Ughhh I’m going to miss it. Really. I’m glad my sister is recording the sessions so that  could revisit them over and over again. They are really deep and soul wrenching like really deep! Not so easy to handle but very helpful and rich as well. I guess that’s also life in a nutshell – sweet and sour, heavy and light!

I think I’m just learning to love myself. For real this time around. I thought I always did, yes I do in a way but there is a path to still undergo for real self-love and a compassionate relationship with myself. In all forms. I’ll go meditate now. Seizing the moment at it’s inception is always a good thing.  

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