Always Breathing & Getting Up

So, here I am. Always in my thoughts. It is a good thing really. I finished summer camps. They were hard. There was aggression, there was overcoming fears, there was joy. I am proud overall of how well I did. I am an entertainer and a survivor all at the same time I guess.

I miss family. I think sometimes I did not make, or rather not always make the right decisions. But I am doing things. I am always moving. Even when my depression keeps me trapped inside my body, sometimes in bed or even when I am out of it. I forgive myself. Past is past. It doesn’t change, it really is as is. That’s something I am reminded of.

Just had a mini crying session thinking about the past and reflecting on the present. That’s good. I think I hold these things inside a bit sometimes. Being in Berlin also always brings these emotions too. I used to see this place as a limitless ocean of my possibilities. Over the years though this thought dried out, I think now I am at the most end of it all.

I will get up now. I always did and will continue to do.

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Catching up with Myself

I miss blogging. I mean writing in general. For a few days now I have actually felt this feeling more strongly. I miss writing. The timing is just a bit crammed and seems like not enough of it sadly. Money-making activity now dominates the usage of time.

As an update, my trip to Peru was one of the most memorable and empowering ones in the past maybe even 8 years. I am blessed to have had done it. Both mentally and physically. Bucket list of being able to do a solo-trip can be checked. Though in reality I have no “bucket lists”, these kinds of concepts are not my fore. The trip reminded me of how great I actually am. How open, resilient, warm, adventurous and great of a person I strive to be. And that I do love and love greatly.

Lessons – I am PROUD OF MYSELF!

Fun facts for this week so far: I received a free cupcake on the street, yesterday I found a $20 dollar bill it’s still Friday so maybe some other “awesome things happening unexpectedly” will still pop up in my life this week.

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Back

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*watching Sheeba sleep again in person is really a bliss

 

Two days ago, 

I returned back to the “base”, at this point I feel like calling it this way realistically in my life. It was a long journey of two flights and a long car ride. On the second flight, I met a lovely Greek-American girl with whom I had a very heartwarming and lovely conversation exchange during the 6 hour flight. Elena is a beautiful soul. It was very heartwarming actually to bond with someone with such a genuine heart while returning to a country which broke my heart ever since I discovered for myself it’s racist nature.

On the flight I had a nightmare, again about one of my ex’s. The one that was the disastrous one the most. In the dream also was his mother…first time I dreamed of her. It was cleansing actually to have them appear and disappear. I am really on the highest mountain of recovery from that experience of my life.

In other news, the present split is not an easy one either. What a journey that has also been really? 4 years long-distance, dream-stance, real-stance and finish line. I remember consciously thinking “you are can’t be with someone out of fear of being alone, that is not loving them” – among other thoughts and emotions, I have finally decided to let go of that connection also in my life. I have deep love for the person in my life, a different kind IMG_3065*flying over Iceland en route to “home”

than what they want from me. What a blessing that he entered my life and gave me so much love – my dearly beloved Johannes – my heart and soul will always cherish your presence. Tearing up now, especially while listening to Hailu Mergia’s glory

Man, this time in Berlin was….wow. Kicked my ass really. Debilitating depression creeped up on me again. Old wounds opened up and closed up. New strength resurfaced. Wow. It really was an adventure and growth time. An awakening of sorts.

Of course I have fears still in life. Sometimes I am very afraid. But to be honest, I don’t know I feel also hope of some sort. I am really growing up and that I can’t deny. I might not have emancipated myself to the point where I feel “yes, I’ve personally made it” but to be honest after being a survivor – I actually have. A few years ago I didn’t have the will to live actually – and well there were some actions taken towards that – but I am still here. This is something I have minimized in life’s experience actually, especially after some professional and love blows that experienced afterwards.

After I die please play all these wondrous songs for me and take my ashes back to that home. I often think and feel that music, and dance are something that I am connected to however the real tangible “skills” of producing or playing it I don’t possess. My childhood was volatile, the time when these things could have been obtained…well everyone has a story. I have nonetheless been blessed to attend amazing concerts and my body has felt deep vibrations from musical sounds in this lifetime so I am blessed in spite of any perceived “limitations.”

Sorry. I apologize for leaving the flat not as you have liked.

 

IMG_3058*this was on my way in Friedrichshain, the last night in Berlin a few days ago

 

 

 

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Love again…Ever…? – Love note to self

Shit. Sometimes I wonder will I ever fall and keep in being in love for a long-long-time. Long enough to make and nourish babies, to grow old with and to just freaking shamelessly be obsessed with ? And most importantly be on the same wavelength with in all of these aspects. Hmmmmm. Today on the spearheading present February 12th of 2019, I don’t know yet. Perhaps. I dare to say I hope so – it’s an amazing feeling to live with actually. Would be amazing.

I am listening to Tim Maia – a blast from the past. Kisses to me. Le sigh.

Today was 3rd consecutive day of my yoga revival – trying to keep it up for as many days as possible. Wishing myself discipline to keep going forward. Love you my dear girl, I know you really are trying. Valentines day is everyday in my soul. Period.

 

 

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Post op

I am going to do a follow up; a follow up to my last post that is. I made it outside this Monday. I made it out of my flat. I didn’t do it alone. I reached out to my dear friend and said, “I need help, just support to leave my flat.” And there I was anxiously waiting for a response to my plea of support because I had to leave my flat. He dutifully came to me and we made it out of my flat together. We chatted to brake the oddity, he shared with me that I am valid and that I did the right thing to reach out. I am so grateful, with so much sincere gratitude. I have a lot of anxiety which is a part of my life’s journey, yet the amount of love I do have in my life to support me is also big in my life. I have my dear friends, alas not everyone is able to be here for me at all times in the way that I need them, but THERE are people who will be around when I ask. So Simon, thank you for lifting me out.

I think that since this year is ending soon and I am as always in everlasting transitions there sure is a lot of anxiety. And the internalized traumas are also there too. It is a no-brainer that last weekend’s emotional burn out happened. Just like that, as a byproduct of revolving anxiety and environmental factors which led to it. I feel good though right now (also my period is over so probably the hormonal intensity is balancing out) and even though next weeks are again going to be as potentially emotionally packed with anxiety, I have survived last weekend’s blow and well I believe and am hopeful that I can do it again.

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Happy Birthday

Dear me, I want to wish you a great day. A really, really, really great day. You have packed it with things to do and I hope that at each of those moments you remember how incredibly resilient, courageous, generous, and genuine you have been on your journey. You have also reflected and reflect on your shortcomings and for that I honor you too.

You keep coming a long way from long ways in your journey.

Happy Birthday, even if it is still all too new.

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Gratitude in simplicity

At this very moment I am in deep gratitude. In the feeling of deep gratitude for the events of today, the connections with new and establishing friends, the work that I am given, the body that endures and flourishes, the sister that I adore. I was trying to find my journal to jot these things into, however it seemed to nowhere to be found and I didn’t want my thoughts to vanish – the intensity of the gratitude to be diminished to be exact. It can’t be anyway, but I did want to have it in writing as soon as possible. Thank you – I give gratitude to the energy, the force, the particles and molecules, the chemistries, natures behavior for this day. The 27th of August, the last days of this year’s “perceived summer timeline.” Being in gratitude is soothing. Amen – that is my prayer, not over-zealously and actually without the traces of a propaganda-ted religious path but rather a spiritual yearning to embrace the ordinary miracles of the day. I felt. I could feel, receive, cherish – I could feel.

I hope to sleep better today, as I have broke into the work mode after several off days in a row and anxiously returning to work this past early morning. I hope to fly in my dreams tonight, to soar and feel – emotions and sensations of positive vibrations. Beautiful. My voice is powerful, necessary, precious. I am an embodiment of my own joy. Amen. Amen. Amen.

Axe to the glory of the Universe. Blessed be the night.

I smile in closing.

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