Going there…

Yesterday I wrote about how I am just numb, and have been rather on the numbness train for a while now. It comes in waves, it came in big swoops a few years ago, now it’s better. I mean, more importantly than saying this out loud (or typing and sharing about this numbness) I am happy to actually feel better about admitting it is a path to empowerment and healing and shows reflection. Yep

Also I am realizing more and more, and more with progression of my time on this planet, through my lived experiences that Racism is strong, vile and it’s crippling. Yes, it’ crippling.  I mean really crippling. Compounded by learning more and more about how it actually affects you too is rather uneasy – that’s lightly said.

The existance thus of the Brown and Black body in this type of environment is truthfully a form of resilience and out most power! Yes, power, the kind of power that this racist world doesn’t want you to overcome.

Some thoughts.

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Not happy – confessions of the late 20’s

Yes, I have not been happy for a very long time. In a way that feels rather surreal even. The shift happened, I had acknowledged it a while back and now what? Well it becomes your reality. Depression. Yes, those are cyclical, also admittedly so. I’ve shied away from writing these thoughts also out of laziness too. Now I guess, I could pat myself on the back for finally doing it. Admitting these things a little bit more louder.

Yet again I find myself in Germany. For what? Love, escape, longing, search and assertion of privileges. I used to be so cool and feel that way too, where is that woman now? We change, things change, life changes.

I guess I am still somewhat cool, a little battered and emotionally dull and numb but somewhat and somehow still not all is lost. This is the last year of the 20s after all too.

 

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Own it

For a few hours now a thought of regret, but not like self badgering kind, has been brewing in my mind. Why did I call this guy today? It is quite useless to be honest to have called him. Literally he rejected me and then I fought my way to find out why. Because a. I am a very curious person. b. I am honest in my emotions and intentions (of course here I am ever always improving upon making them as authentic as possible), and c. I was literally fed completely different signals from what was about to smack the living shiz out of me upon being told I was being dumped. Those are just a few things…also I would have never really hurt someone intentionally or deliberately, or in such a calculated way as I was at that time hurt.

I transgress, those things do not matter to be honest. I have suppressed a lot of my intuition when I was in that person and I don’t ever want to do that again. Frankly, after crying for the past 8 months. Four of which have been utterly non stop until just two days ago…I think this is rather out of character for me. The person is alive, thriving in their choices (yes which included dumping me), and

 

I do not want to change my freedom for anything and anyone at the moment. I do not wish to be tied down by any “romantic” relationship especially anything that would make me suppress my true self. I am learning about myself and I love this journey. I am so grateful the break up happened, and today I even feel that the fact that it happened in such a harsh way was a blessing rather than a crippling misfortune for me as I have previously thought. Yes, still I do not think it had to be so cruel as it was, but whatever I am able to look past this and appreciate the lessons that are still pouring in. Today at 12:2am I would have to say that I do not want to have a skype conversation with him on Friday or anytime soon for that matter. I do not really see the need and maybe I will forever miss something about him, yet the fact that it is broken…the bond was broken and our time on earth is limited and that person knows this too shows a lot. I have learned so much about my character, the source of where my jealousy has been coming from and what I need from my partner to help me with in order to cope with these things that clearly this person was a lesson rather than a means to an end in terms of who my partner should be. Something like that. I think the sheer preoccupation with this heartbreak and the person has been a little bit too excessive to be honest. And reaching out, wanting to say something…why? I don’t see the value in it as much as I did before. Not sure…to be honest, so what? It happened I am taking amazing lessons from it all and I would say I don’t really need this person in my life anymore…wow. I did just say that. I saw a light in him that he doesn’t see, but if my light is not seen and considered not essential I accept and move on.

This really is powerful and therapeutic for me to be able to verbalize and rationalize. And I know I might have ups and downs about this but honestly this is a great sense of maturity on my end. Embracing myself the way I come out at each and every moment.

Today is not Friday yet, and frankly there is no need to be bothered with the future. The present is the key, and I want to experience each and every emotion I have at each moment and honor it all.

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My first tattoo will be: “Happiness is an unlimited resource.” I think I want to do it in the languages I speak, or maybe just a combination of foreign letters. Not sure yet.

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Chill

The Russian Soul of an African & American me. I really think this is why I am able to empathize and have hunger for the world and it’s people. This is something I am convinced of I have in me.

Peace Corps in many ways I think you are calling me more than I thought I was ready for when I began to pursue you again back in September. I am still fresh in the application process with an interview happening hopefully as early as January, but something tells me it was not all in vain and by an accident that I pressed the send button before I was ready to submit my application two months ago.

I crave to be believed in and supported to pursue something very big in my life. I need it. I ask the Universe to unveil that which is destined for me to grow with and from.

I have also conteplated for months now to just write the X. YES I KNOW THE CONVENTIONAL BULLSHIT stuff that you shouldn’t, yadda, yadda, yadda stuff. But I am me, and I am unafraid to live by my truth. Plus falling flat on my face has showed me that I am resilient, kind, generous, still loving and very much unique in my own ways. Plus yesterday it already made me feel much better after literally months of what felt like growing a mini ball of sadness even inside my body. Let him laugh, or just erase the messages. I am shamelessly unashamed and what the heck do I have to lose in being brave? Nothing. For when you bare it all you are prepared to be naked and that I mean by being naked in your soul. The other nakedness has already been shared.

Perhaps because “the point is to free yourself from what cost your heart even more…” and that is the love which was shared some distant days ago….

In the meantime I am banning myself from facebook for at least two days. Wow.

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