Always Breathing & Getting Up

So, here I am. Always in my thoughts. It is a good thing really. I finished summer camps. They were hard. There was aggression, there was overcoming fears, there was joy. I am proud overall of how well I did. I am an entertainer and a survivor all at the same time I guess.

I miss family. I think sometimes I did not make, or rather not always make the right decisions. But I am doing things. I am always moving. Even when my depression keeps me trapped inside my body, sometimes in bed or even when I am out of it. I forgive myself. Past is past. It doesn’t change, it really is as is. That’s something I am reminded of.

Just had a mini crying session thinking about the past and reflecting on the present. That’s good. I think I hold these things inside a bit sometimes. Being in Berlin also always brings these emotions too. I used to see this place as a limitless ocean of my possibilities. Over the years though this thought dried out, I think now I am at the most end of it all.

I will get up now. I always did and will continue to do.

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Back at it again

Well I am back in Berlin. After a couple of months away from this city and Germany in general I find myself back. Partially, because back in April I bought the ticket already and more importantly because I am offered a summer camp job to teach English to teenagers. That I arranged back while being here last fall through early spring. A job, finally in Germany. I think after 8 years of having a connection to this place, I finally have a job yet no less anxiety. Anxiety is a thing that I carry with me everyday in my life. By now I have accepted it and live with it not in a fight but rather in a triumph of overcoming its crippling paws and releasing myself to happiness. Coping really, while still living a fulfilling and joyful life. That’s what I want at least, and so my journey requires me to not plunder into depression but rather living in spite of it’s sudden comebacks. I fight back in joy.

I realized on the plane here just how exhausting the last months have really been. I have been really working a lot a lot. I was so tired on the plane that i kept falling asleep with an exhaustive feeling. I arrived in Berlin and time/life moved on faster than I could have anticipated it to go. Familiar places, faces, spaces, feelings. My period came on the plane so hormones are in bloom season. Today I slept for the fist time in months until 11am in the morning. Monumental. I am thinking of going to Wiesbaden tomorrow…still thinking about it. Life is a fast paste bitch in a way, well I should not insult her like that. It’s just that my coping mechanisms sometimes feel like they need tune up. Whose don’t though? I suppose we are all trying in one way or another.

I just wanted to write. To see me write my words and thoughts. This feels good. Apparently, I have been on wordpress for the past 10 years…wow. I guess that’s interesting. I guess I am getting older, wise, sweeter. More beautiful. More into who I am supposed to be. 8 years though? That’s a whole lot of time…eeek. Acceptance.

I have slight fear of being alone, but also optimism of the possibility of love. I think I would be better at it the next time around. I have more confidence than fear, somehow. I think I believe this. Either way I am happy that I have had experienced a range of experiences and emotions in that category. So really, it’s all not that bad. In fact life is great.

I will go to sleep now. It’s a good place to call it a day. Although, I will still browse to see some flight tickets for tomorrow.

I love my life, my choices and the people in my life’s journey. I am also very loved. That’s a great feeling to know that I actually have the pleasure of experiencing.

Xoxo to me

 

 

 

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Back

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*watching Sheeba sleep again in person is really a bliss

 

Two days ago, 

I returned back to the “base”, at this point I feel like calling it this way realistically in my life. It was a long journey of two flights and a long car ride. On the second flight, I met a lovely Greek-American girl with whom I had a very heartwarming and lovely conversation exchange during the 6 hour flight. Elena is a beautiful soul. It was very heartwarming actually to bond with someone with such a genuine heart while returning to a country which broke my heart ever since I discovered for myself it’s racist nature.

On the flight I had a nightmare, again about one of my ex’s. The one that was the disastrous one the most. In the dream also was his mother…first time I dreamed of her. It was cleansing actually to have them appear and disappear. I am really on the highest mountain of recovery from that experience of my life.

In other news, the present split is not an easy one either. What a journey that has also been really? 4 years long-distance, dream-stance, real-stance and finish line. I remember consciously thinking “you are can’t be with someone out of fear of being alone, that is not loving them” – among other thoughts and emotions, I have finally decided to let go of that connection also in my life. I have deep love for the person in my life, a different kind IMG_3065*flying over Iceland en route to “home”

than what they want from me. What a blessing that he entered my life and gave me so much love – my dearly beloved Johannes – my heart and soul will always cherish your presence. Tearing up now, especially while listening to Hailu Mergia’s glory

Man, this time in Berlin was….wow. Kicked my ass really. Debilitating depression creeped up on me again. Old wounds opened up and closed up. New strength resurfaced. Wow. It really was an adventure and growth time. An awakening of sorts.

Of course I have fears still in life. Sometimes I am very afraid. But to be honest, I don’t know I feel also hope of some sort. I am really growing up and that I can’t deny. I might not have emancipated myself to the point where I feel “yes, I’ve personally made it” but to be honest after being a survivor – I actually have. A few years ago I didn’t have the will to live actually – and well there were some actions taken towards that – but I am still here. This is something I have minimized in life’s experience actually, especially after some professional and love blows that experienced afterwards.

After I die please play all these wondrous songs for me and take my ashes back to that home. I often think and feel that music, and dance are something that I am connected to however the real tangible “skills” of producing or playing it I don’t possess. My childhood was volatile, the time when these things could have been obtained…well everyone has a story. I have nonetheless been blessed to attend amazing concerts and my body has felt deep vibrations from musical sounds in this lifetime so I am blessed in spite of any perceived “limitations.”

Sorry. I apologize for leaving the flat not as you have liked.

 

IMG_3058*this was on my way in Friedrichshain, the last night in Berlin a few days ago

 

 

 

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Does love trump everything….or you might have other needs at hand?

Something to think about that is….

Закончите ли вы отношениа с кемто кого вы любите если вам неподходит его семья? Я имею в виду если вы находите отмосферу с его семьёй гораздо таки холодной? Они не плохие люди но холодость тебе их характера вам не подходит? Я не выросла так что когото не воспринимают в семью с интересом и открытостью сердца. Я не очень близка с родителями но всётаки они очень добрые люди…да они очень открытые и добрые люди и всегда хорошо относились ко всеми людьми которых я пригрлашала в семью. Значит в нашу маленькую семью так сказать.


					
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Happy Birthday

Dear me, I want to wish you a great day. A really, really, really great day. You have packed it with things to do and I hope that at each of those moments you remember how incredibly resilient, courageous, generous, and genuine you have been on your journey. You have also reflected and reflect on your shortcomings and for that I honor you too.

You keep coming a long way from long ways in your journey.

Happy Birthday, even if it is still all too new.

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I thought of starting some new blog…but let’s continue here

I am lost. Not like totally lost, lost, but lost nevertheless. A theme of my life it seems, though I certainly am not getting nowhere younger. Just more solid around the edges I suppose. In a couple of months I have a flight…for a “new life” with a “partner” but that really is daunting actually. Because with the apartment search there is still no real “place” to move to, nor is it actually “new” because well yeah because again it’s again Berlin. Truth be told though…this is my last time to “live” there. I don’t summon that my life’s timeline is endless in these attempts and well at times one must accept one’s growth and keep it moving. My mega illusions,innocence, and blind trust have faded circa last summer anyways so now I’m more of a sober version of a recovering me. At last, that at least is good.

I cry. A lot. I cry a lot, and sometimes, daily. Well today I didn’t cry yet. Mental anxiety is a real foe I tell ya. It’s a real culprit and an
In a different life. In the one where I could have made the choice and had the inner strength to hold on to something I would marry myself with music. But my timeline is seemingly fading. Some freedoms are calling me to face that well…it’s not always magical after all. I thought I mutated into sorrow a version that I don’t know of me, some foreign object. But I understand now that I must honor me in all forms. And even in the one that has been affected and a result an ONGOING progress of a sum of everything. A whole whopping 30 years full of story lines.

Speaking of which an accumulation of my shit through this timeline has to be shed. Because well, if Berlin is not working out I still ain’t coming back to the folks house. We have also reached an end in my soul and parting ways is the healthiest for everyone to be honest. No animosity, nothing crippling at least but consequential of seeds you plant in relationships with your children do catch up with you. Because, well, they grow up and turn into “adults” someday. My adulthood has been knocking for 10+ years now and well, it certainly has settled itself in house already and I must let it all just soak in. But like on a 24 hours a day basis.

I’m shaving my hair btw. Amazon promises a Thursday delivery date. I’m taking the clippers to my head then in a few days it seems.

It was so hard. So, so, so hard. When I look at old pictures of me then in Ghana, especially with Kiska. I feel how hard it was. How do you ever go back to being “you” when “you” pushed your boundaries and “your known to yourself, self” to parts “you” knew nothing about? I mean I pushed and pushed, until I did’t know what was pushing and for what. So a year + a lifetime of post recovery is not surprising after all.

Aight ya’ll let me go live my life a bit.

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When I met you I didn’t know I found my gem…

Almost three years ago we met on a beach. I was punished for being there. It was a coping space from which I found hard to leave because we met. I met him then and didn’t even know I had it in me to feel that way again while still being the same hurt person. Last summer, I almost lost him. Being stuck in illusions, overwhelmed with realities and stuck in the vortex of the past – I almost lost him. I pushed him away, I ran away, I broke our ways. Then something clicked. I lost my passport, dignity, time, money, phone and illusions of the past. Ghosts that I created and cherished for so long that finally upon seeing the real thing again, I couldn’t deny anymore and appease the coping sense of my mind’s creations that the truth was always there in front of me too. I was not wanted, was told of that frankly after being coddled in heaps of lies. I was hurt deeply. With scars I will carry to my grave or air, perhaps I will be cremated someday…who knows. Yet that too now passed. I am still standing and with love at that. Also, maturity knocked on my shoulders and frankly told me to stop being a wimp and a coward to even myself. Something clicked also when I unwaxed my ears from that sticky yet sweet layer of lies which I held on to so desperately. There was also a heep dash of illusions which were as equally sweet. But more importantly now, I finally heard him – the one who has been with me for the past almost 3 years. And I still hear him more loudly now thankfully too.

Change is not easy. Especially when you gradually or for your whole life wanted something so badly and seemingly find it hard to get to. But then there is also hope. And with hope and honest love I think there is something real to actually get to – a path not only made by being alone yet someone who sees the light in you which you have allowed to become dimmed for yourself to see anymore.

I’ve made grave mistakes. As a result some relations are gone or gravely severed. I am remorseful on my end for causing frictions and dissent. Also I am more accepting of change. Of time passing, of people changing and moving forward even without me in mind.

Ase to my truth, my love for you, and us.

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