I’m Back

Though really I have written just in different places and spaces. Just went browsing down below to read my previous posts. It’s been a while. Like nearly 4 years while. In that time I have written in other spaces, the most prolonged one being my Peace Corps journals which have now vanished. Gratitude (with sarcasm and a sense of wanting to beat someone up) is given to the forces and circumstances which have led to their loss. Last August en route from Ghana to Berlin. I’m sure the customs at Tegel has enjoyed my private thoughts…fick dich (whoever) for enjoying them. Anyways, no need to get too much into that mood.

I haven’t written in ages online really. I think I’ve written a post not too long ago maybe in November of 2016 on one of my older blogs, but honestly I doubt I’ll go back to that site again. It carries too much of the past. Though my memory might not be too good, and this I do not say lightly, it truly is troubling when I’m exceptionally honest with myself, the point to which I recognize how short my memory is on things – it’s well alarming. Probably something I should look into checking while I have my health insurance before this new American regime continues it’s extermination and terrorization of my Brown existance. It’s the era of resistance. Anyways, it feels good to write actually. It really does.

Also while browsing through some emails an inspiration came to mind. I want to find a creative way to share and explore for myself my 1 year and 9 months in West Africa. A tumultuous experience really which ended in a way of being tossed away…. Perhaps a photo exhibition – with music….Ein Fotoausstellung…..something like that? Yeah? Yeah? I think I should do that….

Art and creativity heal after all, don’t they?

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Fear is trumping. I sense such good inner vibes of strength and calmness in me. Fear is a bad wolf which should not be invited to any dinners; really avoid at all costs. I suppose fearlessness with humility and trust in the Universe is a healing power which I chose to cultivate instead.

I would say I am poor, yet I do not starve. My health insurance is soon to be gone, yet I see venues to have the care I nee right now.

I said something very frank to my mother this morning. That we don’t have and never really did have much to talk about in general but it doesn’t mean I hate her. It is just how our relationship over the years unraveled. I am really learning to be content with that.

There are themed entries I would love to write about my experience in Berlin from my perspective which encompasses a very intricate self-identity. And another one on hair. My hair journey.

Now on to the daily tasks. These are mental notes for drafts.

Now

Aside

….

It happened. I was at work and was harboring a feeling of wanting to run away. This happened last year a couple of months before I went to Europe. It happened again today. I think it is the growing anxiety of many things. The coming of end of the year 2013 which at some points in trying to describe it leaves me speechless. Like now…..no words to really describe it all.

Confused? No this is beyond confusion. I set out to do the meditations and one day at work wrote a note that at the end of it I want some kind of resolution to be reached in dealing with what happened in June. It is officially December 1 and the last day of the 21 day Meditation series. Shit. 

I don’t even recognize 100% the girl who looks at me back in the mirror. Seems even my “big chop” is being trumped by this uneasy, and maybe confusing feeling growing within me. How did I get to this point? How did I get myself emotionally to this point in my life? Should I freak out and panic? I think I have a little bit of that going on already anyways, just really trying to keep it all under some sort of control. I am turning 26 next week. I booked a trip to NYC, the first trip since being back from Europe also for next weekend. Can I handle it all? The list of outstanding things that I must do and am a little bit paralyzed to finalize seems to be crippling me down too. But no one makes me do these things. I am the pusher of it all. Yes, this is a freak out moment. I don’t know how else to describe it. 

Ok. I tried to take my mind off of things for a moment. It helped. I have a headache now. I don’t think the “how” and “why” questions help at all. I know the don’t. This is how things are that is all I must accept. It’s ok to have intense moments like these. I did not stop doing anything since being back from Europe. I just kept pressing the gas pedal on living. I think this all makes sense. It’s a heavy season with lot’s of baggage. It is all alright. I am alright. 

I love that I have writing to go to when it gets this heavy, because it has been even hard to write which is is my form of therapy to say the least. Deep breath in and a long one out. Life continues. I am still blessed and endlessly grateful. Fear, hurt, doubt and anything else that is not inspirational will not hold me down. Yet I am allowed to bow my head down at moments when they are proving to be hard. Resilience. 

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How do you…?

How do you tell someone you are still in love with them? That you do not agree with their decision to end it all because you know that it is based on an enormous sense of fear within them? That you see more in them than they care to admit about themselves ? That you are irreplaceable and no sexual partners could substitute that which you have for them? How do you let them know that while in silence and being so far detached your heart skips beats while imagining that something has happened to you?

That you are going daily in circles with the decision to say all these things to them in the open? That you are daring greatly to take a risk, a leap of faith and bare your soul out there on the ground for them to potentially stomp all over, but above all you are chosing to still dare to love them greatly ? How do you do this without possibly and most likely seemingly becoming conceived as an insane person? How do you do this all and still reach deep within the person’s soul, whose glimpse you have seen before, being over 6, 000 kilometers away? How do you know you are not insane for even thinking these things ?

This has been going on for what seems to be like endless minutes, days, months on end. With various stages to still not leave you be.How do you say, I knew you were the one since the moment I met you? I knew that you would make a huge impact on me. How do you say I love you, the you that you hide and run away from more than you are able to embrace yourself ?How do you really dare greatly and find the courage to come out strongly?

How do you say, that all of this has not stopped you from continuing to keep growing yet having unwavering belief in that you were left because of deeply rooted fear which you do not judge but want to embrace? How do you say, “take a leap of faith, for yourself and see what you are worth” to someone who loves your soul, body, and mind ? How do you say to someone that they truly have you….?

How do you…?

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Words

The typos in my previous post will remain. They are funny actually. Moving along.

Some wisdom tidbits from yesterday “Divine timing – things happen at the right time” and “You are where you are supposed to be. ” And a thought that was in my head about the past……”I am where are am supposed to be and things went with the flow. The last night I spent the time with my ex was just like that. It felt amazing, being serene and calm, not the entire evening but there was a continuous moment when this was going on for – maybe a couple of hours or so. It was very foreign to me feeling this kind of inner peace and dynamic. Maybe I will talk about it some other day. Will you visit me in my dreams today A. ?

It is already Sunday morning. The earliest minutes of the last day of this week. It is already October 27 and November of 2013 is waiting to come out of the corner. Nearly 2 months ago (well we are getting there) I came back after one of the most trans formative experiences of my life. My life in Germany and a very influential and cherished time in Africa. On the 12 of September I finally arrived back in America. It was a long way, not the plane flight itself because that was the quickest part of it all, but booking the ticket and summing the courage to tie up the ends of my life abroad – now that was not easy. Numbers, time, life, moments……

These days I feel the changes. The inner changes in me – I have really stepped through the coveted doors of adulthood. Which is what I really wanted to reach. The inner changes in me are very evident to myself. I can feel, sense, and nearly touch my inner development into the me that I want to be. Catching myself when I am out of line and do not exhibit that which I really am…like the awful frustration that I felt on Friday morning due to some uncontrollable by me factors. I really did go off for several minutes, even maybe for an hour venting my frustration and jamming seemingly unconnected aspects of my life under the same umbrella in order to vent it all out. There was correlation though but not all very objective In the end I felt better but not without a price of having had an audience which might not truly understand that even in my venting mode, I could have a very healthy post self-analysis; part of it being reinforcing it here. I hope my sister will not judge me too much for that Friday moment.

So I just want to have it for the record for myself that I have some fascinating thoughts at times. In which I think of things in an unrestricted way, free and daring. But those moments are not everlasting…though they should be.

Last words before sleep then. Borrowed.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

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Waking up with an lump inside

Sometimes I am tempted to get a palm reading. I like to flirt with the idea that it is actually possible to look into the future before living it. It sure would have been an 

My sister did have a good counter point to this idea though. What if an “idea” from such reading is injected into my psyche and I become obsessed with it? It wouldn’t be an organic way of thinking afterwards I think too, but then again it could be useful. Well at least getting some answers or insight on not specifically the future but at least some answers about the past. But then again the past is long gone, far, far, far away it is. Sometimes this is very prominent in my thinking when I try to recollect some childhood events. It seems fuzzy now having grown up in two very different countries with two different identities.  I had a random memory right now, that I think I used to journal or I would say write sporadically even when I was about 9 or so….back in Moscow. I think. See it’s fuzzy so many years have passed now. 16 years in total. That’s a long time huh? So much has happened in all those years. Chapters closed and opened. Identities left behind and new ones being constructed…something like that. Anyways, maybe I will do a reading of some sort someday. 

My mood is a bit nostalgic and there might be small traces of sadness clogged in my throat. Maybe some tears want to be shed, maybe I am just sensitive, well I always am that’s me. Ok well I dragged on writing this and still listening to Sarah as I am writing this – well some waterworks are fighting to come out a little. But it’s ok, this is me being authentic with myself. This mood though is also brought about by the changing season I think. After I comeback from Berlin, which was already grey and fall like, it was still warm here for weeks. In the past couple of days though it is becoming evident that winter is around the corner. Well at lest the cold winds of fall are here to stay. That’s that.

Think I’ll make a pause here for now. There were thoughts and I’m glad to just write this for now. There is really no one else like me or you other there. We each are a unique versions of ourselves. I am glad we can relate to each other, that’s essential to connections, but we also need to fully embrace our individual uniqueness and accept that fully. I am me and you are you. That’s it for now.  My morning writing session has come to an end. 

Things I don’t fancy about myself include: 

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Falling in Love with You

Each day is jam-packed with events, emotions, situations everything and nothing in between. Still listening to Laura Mvula’s She don’t Stop. She sounds like a woman with an angelic voice of uplifting strength to me. There really is something self uplifting when you focus on gratitude.

I recall the first month when I realized what the “break up” meant. That really it was over for one person in the relationship. I was still in Berlin – I was ready to run with my tail under my legs because I thought I did not have the strength to stay in a city that has not been always so warm and welcoming. At times I find it too pretentious and too hip for me; plus we were living in the same neighborhood with him and it was something that felt like a slap in my soul with a lash to not be able to take the same familiar routes. Because walking on the same streets was hardly easy….that’s the time when I got to know the whole other side of my neighborhood. Neuköln became a refuge. But the focus here is gratitude….

Right at that time my sister from afar proposed that I do the 21 days of guided meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra. I tuned in each morning to listen, reflect, to be still, to remain silent. I always wanted to try meditation (I’ve done it before – but not sure it was the “correct way”), and I actually like guidance when I do things for the first time and encouragement is something that helps me to keep going too. With several sessions I started to notice the shift from being “sad” to embracing “gratitude” rather quickly. I started to feel compassion, inner strength, humbleness, forgiveness, happiness in spite of a very dark cloud – my emotional pallet expanded to embracing positivism instead of being smoldered in pain. Those 21 days of meditation I would say, saved me from going into a crippling depression if I may be bold to declare this now. It was very healing. It really offered a new perspective, a shift and showed me that my capacity for compassion is greater than I had even thought. One day even I produced a very touching and powerful letter to him which came from a place of peace and uplifting of his soul too even though he was the cause of my unwelcomed sadness. Gratitude…such a compound word and feeling. It is probably one of the most positive aspects of life. It heals, uplifts, shifts, humbles, it comforts and gives.

I think that this is the time really for me to get to know better who I am and tweak myself into being who I want to be. I don’t like the feeling of envy, occasional rigidness and coldness that I have, the insecurities that do not help but in fact mask my gentleness and love, there is much more strength in my soul and greater propensity to hug you than give you a stern look. The meditation period really began the self-reflection phase for me. And it helped me cope and begin healing. I am so grateful for the fact that it existed and that my sister shared it with me. That is why I did not run away from Berlin, but instead I invested in the time to heal so that I did not leave with regrets that could last a lifetime. I am still shy to go back to the city though, yes I will not pretend otherwise. But someday I will go back fully embraced by my self-love that will be more confident than any stern looks or intimidating streets….I will for sure. Because I dared greatly to be down on my knees, to sleep lonely, to face the pain, and to accept the arms of gratitude which were waiting for me to give me a warm embrace and bright colors of self-love. And this is a daily journey. A self-aware choice to not stop going in this direction.

Are you grateful today? Have you put on your coat of gratitude? It is one of the best jackets that can warm your whole being. Try it out.

And Laura – what a lovely song yet again. Lyrics are gold sprinkles in my ear.

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