Girl Interrupted

Sigh. My daily streak of yoga came to a pause yesterday. Already the day before I lagged and did a session right before leaving in the evening only and not as part of the morning routine. Before I left to Cologne I even managed to go for runs, but since back a few days ago, well not really. After making a fool out of myself on Monday with a very public presentation, I went on a bit of a downhill. Reasons: stress, pre-menstrual days, anxiety, anticipation of changes, and of course the break up.

That horrid word at the end which I didn’t really want to utter (I still don’t really out loud) has been having a toll on me. I also see a definite correlation between the pre-menstrual days on my mental health something I really am curious to address with my gyno during a future visit. Also the stress hormones that I have just feel like they replicate at an astounding rate causing my brain to swell and come to a standstill only to be filled with an excruciating amount of gloominess. Part lingering depression part environmental factors my life at this moment doesn’t feel like it’s feeling faring well. Something I have to learn to cope with that’s for sure.  On a total side-note, I was so happy last week at the Ethio restaurant with my friends, the sheer joy and laughter that I was uttering then was so pure. I loved my life and myself in that moment. This is something I want to have on the record for a memory in case I re-read this later. As personal proof that I do still experience real joy which stems from my inner sides.

Anyways, I am accepting that the person I am today is a result of all of the experiences – some very painful ones and long-lasting ones are all part of my journey. And that journey still continues on.

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Words

I don’t like some words. Particularly any words that use “Black” in them to mean negative/bad things. Words that don’t encompass what really is going on. Words that strip an emotional element from reality. So I will use the following words then. Things end. Directions end. Choices once made end. Certain aspects of relationships end. There it goes its the progression of the end then. That’s the present moment.

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Does love trump everything….or you might have other needs at hand?

Something to think about that is….

Закончите ли вы отношениа с кемто кого вы любите если вам неподходит его семья? Я имею в виду если вы находите отмосферу с его семьёй гораздо таки холодной? Они не плохие люди но холодость тебе их характера вам не подходит? Я не выросла так что когото не воспринимают в семью с интересом и открытостью сердца. Я не очень близка с родителями но всётаки они очень добрые люди…да они очень открытые и добрые люди и всегда хорошо относились ко всеми людьми которых я пригрлашала в семью. Значит в нашу маленькую семью так сказать.


					
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Post op

I am going to do a follow up; a follow up to my last post that is. I made it outside this Monday. I made it out of my flat. I didn’t do it alone. I reached out to my dear friend and said, “I need help, just support to leave my flat.” And there I was anxiously waiting for a response to my plea of support because I had to leave my flat. He dutifully came to me and we made it out of my flat together. We chatted to brake the oddity, he shared with me that I am valid and that I did the right thing to reach out. I am so grateful, with so much sincere gratitude. I have a lot of anxiety which is a part of my life’s journey, yet the amount of love I do have in my life to support me is also big in my life. I have my dear friends, alas not everyone is able to be here for me at all times in the way that I need them, but THERE are people who will be around when I ask. So Simon, thank you for lifting me out.

I think that since this year is ending soon and I am as always in everlasting transitions there sure is a lot of anxiety. And the internalized traumas are also there too. It is a no-brainer that last weekend’s emotional burn out happened. Just like that, as a byproduct of revolving anxiety and environmental factors which led to it. I feel good though right now (also my period is over so probably the hormonal intensity is balancing out) and even though next weeks are again going to be as potentially emotionally packed with anxiety, I have survived last weekend’s blow and well I believe and am hopeful that I can do it again.

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Random relief

Breath baby girl. Breath, in and then let it all out. Yes, out and then a little bit all will come in too.

I really have to let it go. Really. Like for real for real for real for real for real realz! Phew. It always feels so much better just letting the thoughts roll onto my writing. Letting go. Letting it go.

“So ask myself do I let you go or I keep you in the frame of my mind.” ~ Jorja

This world is tiny as FUCK! I know people there and then they know each other from here and meet in place X.

Teddy Pendergrass also said it damn well right! “You can’t hide from yourself” DAMN RIGHT

You can’t hide from yourself no-matter where you go, you will always look at yourself!

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When I met you I didn’t know I found my gem…

Almost three years ago we met on a beach. I was punished for being there. It was a coping space from which I found hard to leave because we met. I met him then and didn’t even know I had it in me to feel that way again while still being the same hurt person. Last summer, I almost lost him. Being stuck in illusions, overwhelmed with realities and stuck in the vortex of the past – I almost lost him. I pushed him away, I ran away, I broke our ways. Then something clicked. I lost my passport, dignity, time, money, phone and illusions of the past. Ghosts that I created and cherished for so long that finally upon seeing the real thing again, I couldn’t deny anymore and appease the coping sense of my mind’s creations that the truth was always there in front of me too. I was not wanted, was told of that frankly after being coddled in heaps of lies. I was hurt deeply. With scars I will carry to my grave or air, perhaps I will be cremated someday…who knows. Yet that too now passed. I am still standing and with love at that. Also, maturity knocked on my shoulders and frankly told me to stop being a wimp and a coward to even myself. Something clicked also when I unwaxed my ears from that sticky yet sweet layer of lies which I held on to so desperately. There was also a heep dash of illusions which were as equally sweet. But more importantly now, I finally heard him – the one who has been with me for the past almost 3 years. And I still hear him more loudly now thankfully too.

Change is not easy. Especially when you gradually or for your whole life wanted something so badly and seemingly find it hard to get to. But then there is also hope. And with hope and honest love I think there is something real to actually get to – a path not only made by being alone yet someone who sees the light in you which you have allowed to become dimmed for yourself to see anymore.

I’ve made grave mistakes. As a result some relations are gone or gravely severed. I am remorseful on my end for causing frictions and dissent. Also I am more accepting of change. Of time passing, of people changing and moving forward even without me in mind.

Ase to my truth, my love for you, and us.

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Own it

For a few hours now a thought of regret, but not like self badgering kind, has been brewing in my mind. Why did I call this guy today? It is quite useless to be honest to have called him. Literally he rejected me and then I fought my way to find out why. Because a. I am a very curious person. b. I am honest in my emotions and intentions (of course here I am ever always improving upon making them as authentic as possible), and c. I was literally fed completely different signals from what was about to smack the living shiz out of me upon being told I was being dumped. Those are just a few things…also I would have never really hurt someone intentionally or deliberately, or in such a calculated way as I was at that time hurt.

I transgress, those things do not matter to be honest. I have suppressed a lot of my intuition when I was in that person and I don’t ever want to do that again. Frankly, after crying for the past 8 months. Four of which have been utterly non stop until just two days ago…I think this is rather out of character for me. The person is alive, thriving in their choices (yes which included dumping me), and

 

I do not want to change my freedom for anything and anyone at the moment. I do not wish to be tied down by any “romantic” relationship especially anything that would make me suppress my true self. I am learning about myself and I love this journey. I am so grateful the break up happened, and today I even feel that the fact that it happened in such a harsh way was a blessing rather than a crippling misfortune for me as I have previously thought. Yes, still I do not think it had to be so cruel as it was, but whatever I am able to look past this and appreciate the lessons that are still pouring in. Today at 12:2am I would have to say that I do not want to have a skype conversation with him on Friday or anytime soon for that matter. I do not really see the need and maybe I will forever miss something about him, yet the fact that it is broken…the bond was broken and our time on earth is limited and that person knows this too shows a lot. I have learned so much about my character, the source of where my jealousy has been coming from and what I need from my partner to help me with in order to cope with these things that clearly this person was a lesson rather than a means to an end in terms of who my partner should be. Something like that. I think the sheer preoccupation with this heartbreak and the person has been a little bit too excessive to be honest. And reaching out, wanting to say something…why? I don’t see the value in it as much as I did before. Not sure…to be honest, so what? It happened I am taking amazing lessons from it all and I would say I don’t really need this person in my life anymore…wow. I did just say that. I saw a light in him that he doesn’t see, but if my light is not seen and considered not essential I accept and move on.

This really is powerful and therapeutic for me to be able to verbalize and rationalize. And I know I might have ups and downs about this but honestly this is a great sense of maturity on my end. Embracing myself the way I come out at each and every moment.

Today is not Friday yet, and frankly there is no need to be bothered with the future. The present is the key, and I want to experience each and every emotion I have at each moment and honor it all.

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My first tattoo will be: “Happiness is an unlimited resource.” I think I want to do it in the languages I speak, or maybe just a combination of foreign letters. Not sure yet.

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