I just woke up from a nap after feeling extremely tired. I think I have not really slept very well in days now. On Tuesday I was an election officer and slept for about 4 hours before reporting to duty at 5:00 am after an 8 hour shift at my job. It was an exciting day but with a surge of an energy level that went up and down. I think I have been tired since then. I do need to sleep better though, this is nothing new to me.
I just woke up a few moments ago and sat up on my bed with a sense of need to reflect on “what if we lived our lives with a deeply rooted knowledge and confidence that everything would work out?” That all the things that we are doubtful of would literally work out and be clear as if a red carpet to walk on was laid in front of us to walk on with utter confidence?” And we took our steps on it with the assurance and unwavering faith that things will make sense one way or another. All the doubts that we had just would be answered therefore we should walk with confidence in everything we do. What if…???
I think of him very often. I think of him maybe too often, though who is to say? I admitted to myself that I am not ready to date or develop interest in any new men because I need to take as however long as I need to do whatever it is that I need to do. I am awry about putting a label on this process because it would reduce it to something too simplified and too small. I do miss intimacy in it’s various forms. Sexual too but I also know that I was never interested in sex for the sake of sex. My sexuality peaks in it’s form, reflection, and style when I am with a person for whom I have a strong emotional interest and a connection to. This is my style of intimacy, more than physical penetration basically. I like to melt in emotion and I am unapologetic about that either.
You know I am on a mission, on a quest, on a journey. People can call it many ways. I have always been the kind of person that is a seeker of some truth that is there and must be found. The truth about myself, the truth about my life, the truth about this journey. That is who I am. Unapologetic seeker of this truth. In recent years I realized also that the truth really is internal. Our true selves are within us, our true life reveals itself from the discovery and upbringing this “self” is ours to make. That we are responsible for our happiness and lives and fulfillment. This one though, I somehow had known from an early age. I think right this moment though, I am startled by the sense that maybe I am developing some sense of fearlessness which then will lead to the “freedom” to be myself. Maybe? I don’t really know. Maybe this is my pep-talk to myself or something like that. It is astonishing to realize the urgency of it all though, because we live only one lifetime. Only one time we live this particular life. Only once we are this person (ever evolving person at that) undergoing this particular journey.
When I have children, if I am blessed with this in my lifetime I want to teach them if only by showing some core things. To love themselves, be authentic and strong in that, have faith in themselves and love for themselves to share with others, to seek gratitude, calmness, confidence, peace and to be able to learn these things because you as a parent embody this and they look up to you for affirmation and example. That is why I cannot have children yet, that is why I say I am not ready yet because I am still questing to embody these things myself. I felt the need to write this out to have clarity on where I stand on this in lieu of conversations on motherhood and parenting that have been taking these days with my sister and aunt. I like candid conversations that leave you with realizations on where you stand and want to go.
I think this is it for now.