Breathe and F+* Bomb

You know when you are overwhelmed with the life you have? Yes that is really a thing. When you accumulate experiences and hit that new decade and then you stumble on going forward. Yes, that is also a real thing. How did I end up dicing and chopping for 7 hours a day? Well I suppose it’s life choices, caught up societal structures, and part mix of destiny. Climbing socio-economic ladder is a real thing. Prejudice, discrimination and systemic racism are also a real thing. Journey of immigrant refugee is a real thing also. Hurtful relationships that leave marks are all real too. I suppose all of it is real. And that time is a very unforgiving and moving factor is also oh so real too. Can’t go back. Present is real. Future is imagined and not guaranteed.

Why isn’t my hair coming back the way it was? Why do I have thoughts that are not serving me kindness? Why can’t I seem to force myself into my imagined “past happy self”? Changes. Accumulated experiences.

Sometimes I feel like I am living outside of my consciousnesses. Like, things are happening and have happened to me, but I am only gradually understanding that they did in fact happen, and they do in fact affect me.

I have a partner. A good partner. A partner that listens, encourages and sees my spark which I suppose I have also allowed to get dimmed. Strange. I know he has his own difficulties….I hope they are not bigger than mine to be honest. I can’t carry a load for someone else to be honest. My own is a soulfull to overcome it feels.

I have so many thoughts as I dice and chop at work that today I had to leave. Right on time. Just like that. Finish shift, done what was done, and out of the door. My thoughts swirling in my mind, accumulating like those avocados, I need to write. I need to write better. To learn to express myself better to speak my own narrative. To tell MY story on MY terms.

Yesterday I had the honor of meeting Ms. Sybrina Fulton, the surviving mother of Trayvon Martin. She has a book Rest in Power – she tells her own narrative, her own life story and speaks for her murdered son from a perspective of a mother who birthed and nurtured this precious young man who was killed by hatered. I realize now that at the time of his murder and the followed state sanction injustice in trial, I was not as aware of the systemic racism of America yet as I was still floating in my own safety bubbles. What a different understanding I have now really. And knowledge too. The knowledge that is kept from us by the same state that is still unable to process that our oppression will not continue to be accepted. Our ancestors have empowered us an continue to empower us to rise up and will continue to see us forward until the giants fully grasp that no your racism will NOT be our norm. Ms. Fulton echoed Ms. Mamie Till joining her path of bereaved mother. How sick is that? The legacy of white American violence to be precise.

Good breathes. Seemingly no F+% bombs dropped.

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Not happy – confessions of the late 20’s

Yes, I have not been happy for a very long time. In a way that feels rather surreal even. The shift happened, I had acknowledged it a while back and now what? Well it becomes your reality. Depression. Yes, those are cyclical, also admittedly so. I’ve shied away from writing these thoughts also out of laziness too. Now I guess, I could pat myself on the back for finally doing it. Admitting these things a little bit more louder.

Yet again I find myself in Germany. For what? Love, escape, longing, search and assertion of privileges. I used to be so cool and feel that way too, where is that woman now? We change, things change, life changes.

I guess I am still somewhat cool, a little battered and emotionally dull and numb but somewhat and somehow still not all is lost. This is the last year of the 20s after all too.

 

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Waking up

I just woke up from a nap after feeling extremely tired. I think I have not really slept very well in days now. On Tuesday I was an election officer and slept for about 4 hours before reporting to duty at 5:00 am after an 8 hour shift at my job. It was an exciting day but with a surge of an energy level that went up and down. I think I have been tired since then. I do need to sleep better though, this is nothing new to me. 

I just woke up a few moments ago and sat up on my bed with a sense of need to reflect on “what if we lived our lives with a deeply rooted knowledge and confidence that everything would work out?” That all the things that we are doubtful of would literally work out and be clear as if a red carpet to walk on was laid in front of us to walk on with utter confidence?” And we took our steps on it with the assurance and unwavering faith that things will make sense one way or another. All the doubts that we had just would be answered therefore we should walk with confidence in everything we do. What if…???

I think of him very often. I think of him maybe too often, though who is to say? I admitted to myself that I am not ready to date or develop interest in any new men because I need to take as however long as I need to do whatever it is that I need to do. I am awry about putting a label on this process because it would reduce it to something too simplified and too small. I do miss intimacy in it’s various forms. Sexual too but I also know that I was never interested in sex for the sake of sex. My sexuality peaks in it’s form, reflection, and style when I am with a person for whom I have a strong emotional interest and a connection to. This is my style of intimacy, more than physical penetration basically. I like to melt in emotion and I am unapologetic about that either. 

You know I am on a mission, on a quest, on a journey. People can call it many ways. I have always been the kind of person that is a seeker of some truth that is there and must be found. The truth about myself, the truth about my life, the truth about this journey. That is who I am. Unapologetic seeker of this truth. In recent years I realized also that the truth really is internal. Our true selves are within us, our true life reveals itself from the discovery and upbringing this “self” is ours to make. That we are responsible for our happiness and lives and fulfillment. This one though, I somehow had known from an early age. I think right this moment though, I am startled by the sense that maybe I am developing some sense of fearlessness which then will lead to the “freedom” to be myself. Maybe? I don’t really know. Maybe this is my pep-talk to myself or something like that. It is astonishing to realize the urgency of it all though, because we live only one lifetime. Only one time we live this particular life. Only once we are this person (ever evolving person at that) undergoing this particular journey. 

When I have children, if I am blessed with this in my lifetime I want to teach them if only by showing some core things. To love themselves, be authentic and strong in that, have faith in themselves and love for themselves to share with others, to seek gratitude, calmness, confidence, peace and to be able to learn these things because you as a parent embody this and they look up to you for affirmation and example. That is why I cannot have children yet, that is why I say I am not ready yet because I am still questing to embody these things myself. I felt the need to write this out to have clarity on where I stand on this in lieu of conversations on motherhood and parenting that have been taking these days with my sister and aunt. I like candid conversations that leave you with realizations on where you stand and want to go.

I think this is it for now.

 

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Just yesterday I was thinking and I think saw the original image of “Rosie the Riveter” figure with the famous slogan ”We Can Do It!” by J. Howard Miller. And as I have become utterly intrigued, and continuously inspired by the great blog Urbanbushbabes I just moments ago stumbled upon the post in which Cipriana (what a beautiful name, isn’t it?) recreated the image and applied it towards our Natural Hair Movement! Brilliant on so many levels. I have myself been contemplating what this movement means for us  the women of color. Gorgeous in all hues with absolutely astonishingly beautifully diverse hair textures, shapes, and volumes. My beauty standards have absolutely been undergoing a really big transformation these days, I have mentioned this before and I will continue to reinforce this realization further.

I am also toying with my own hair. I took out yet another braid out yet again. And gave myself a “cut” to achieve a shorter style. If there were no monetary constraints and NYC was not a bit far and did not require about two days off from work for me, I think my hair would have been cut already. But I am awful at planning trips as they give me some sort of anxiety and the money is a little tight right now. Plus, I do admit that I am having fun cutting my “braids” off in small installments. ImageIt’s actually really fun. So I will wait for the right moment and so far I am still shooting for the first week of December to embark on my natural hair journey with a big chop. Though I think I have been transitioning for a while now without even realizing it. 

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Since I am currently floating between two households as I am readjusting to my life back in the States from Berlin and the lack of my cozy and stable room of my own there, it is always a treat to come to a room of my own. In a rare moment when I watch the television, I watched yet another episode of Super Soul Sunday on OWN. A recorded show of course. As India Arie pointed out during her interview with Oprah – “Super Soul Sunday is the best show on television.” I think that’s what she said, maybe she was referring to the entire channel – on both counts of which she is supported by me. I am absolutely convinced that Super Soul Sunday is the best television show on television because it is genuine, uplifting, raw, spiritual and very real. It is genuine in the topics…it speaks directly to my intellect and soul. I am very grateful it is here and now.

So India did say a lot of things that also spoke directly to my soul. I just love the candid conversations in this show and how the guests “go there!” to open up and share their truths.

Life is beautiful. And so are these and many other affirmations.

“I am not  your expectations, no, no,

I am not my hair.

I am not this skin.

I am a Soul that lives within”

“Be clear about your intention and the Universe will meet you wherever you are

Aside