Not happy – confessions of the late 20’s

Yes, I have not been happy for a very long time. In a way that feels rather surreal even. The shift happened, I had acknowledged it a while back and now what? Well it becomes your reality. Depression. Yes, those are cyclical, also admittedly so. I’ve shied away from writing these thoughts also out of laziness too. Now I guess, I could pat myself on the back for finally doing it. Admitting these things a little bit more louder.

Yet again I find myself in Germany. For what? Love, escape, longing, search and assertion of privileges. I used to be so cool and feel that way too, where is that woman now? We change, things change, life changes.

I guess I am still somewhat cool, a little battered and emotionally dull and numb but somewhat and somehow still not all is lost. This is the last year of the 20s after all too.

 

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Waking up

I just woke up from a nap after feeling extremely tired. I think I have not really slept very well in days now. On Tuesday I was an election officer and slept for about 4 hours before reporting to duty at 5:00 am after an 8 hour shift at my job. It was an exciting day but with a surge of an energy level that went up and down. I think I have been tired since then. I do need to sleep better though, this is nothing new to me. 

I just woke up a few moments ago and sat up on my bed with a sense of need to reflect on “what if we lived our lives with a deeply rooted knowledge and confidence that everything would work out?” That all the things that we are doubtful of would literally work out and be clear as if a red carpet to walk on was laid in front of us to walk on with utter confidence?” And we took our steps on it with the assurance and unwavering faith that things will make sense one way or another. All the doubts that we had just would be answered therefore we should walk with confidence in everything we do. What if…???

I think of him very often. I think of him maybe too often, though who is to say? I admitted to myself that I am not ready to date or develop interest in any new men because I need to take as however long as I need to do whatever it is that I need to do. I am awry about putting a label on this process because it would reduce it to something too simplified and too small. I do miss intimacy in it’s various forms. Sexual too but I also know that I was never interested in sex for the sake of sex. My sexuality peaks in it’s form, reflection, and style when I am with a person for whom I have a strong emotional interest and a connection to. This is my style of intimacy, more than physical penetration basically. I like to melt in emotion and I am unapologetic about that either. 

You know I am on a mission, on a quest, on a journey. People can call it many ways. I have always been the kind of person that is a seeker of some truth that is there and must be found. The truth about myself, the truth about my life, the truth about this journey. That is who I am. Unapologetic seeker of this truth. In recent years I realized also that the truth really is internal. Our true selves are within us, our true life reveals itself from the discovery and upbringing this “self” is ours to make. That we are responsible for our happiness and lives and fulfillment. This one though, I somehow had known from an early age. I think right this moment though, I am startled by the sense that maybe I am developing some sense of fearlessness which then will lead to the “freedom” to be myself. Maybe? I don’t really know. Maybe this is my pep-talk to myself or something like that. It is astonishing to realize the urgency of it all though, because we live only one lifetime. Only one time we live this particular life. Only once we are this person (ever evolving person at that) undergoing this particular journey. 

When I have children, if I am blessed with this in my lifetime I want to teach them if only by showing some core things. To love themselves, be authentic and strong in that, have faith in themselves and love for themselves to share with others, to seek gratitude, calmness, confidence, peace and to be able to learn these things because you as a parent embody this and they look up to you for affirmation and example. That is why I cannot have children yet, that is why I say I am not ready yet because I am still questing to embody these things myself. I felt the need to write this out to have clarity on where I stand on this in lieu of conversations on motherhood and parenting that have been taking these days with my sister and aunt. I like candid conversations that leave you with realizations on where you stand and want to go.

I think this is it for now.

 

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Just yesterday I was thinking and I think saw the original image of “Rosie the Riveter” figure with the famous slogan ”We Can Do It!” by J. Howard Miller. And as I have become utterly intrigued, and continuously inspired by the great blog Urbanbushbabes I just moments ago stumbled upon the post in which Cipriana (what a beautiful name, isn’t it?) recreated the image and applied it towards our Natural Hair Movement! Brilliant on so many levels. I have myself been contemplating what this movement means for us  the women of color. Gorgeous in all hues with absolutely astonishingly beautifully diverse hair textures, shapes, and volumes. My beauty standards have absolutely been undergoing a really big transformation these days, I have mentioned this before and I will continue to reinforce this realization further.

I am also toying with my own hair. I took out yet another braid out yet again. And gave myself a “cut” to achieve a shorter style. If there were no monetary constraints and NYC was not a bit far and did not require about two days off from work for me, I think my hair would have been cut already. But I am awful at planning trips as they give me some sort of anxiety and the money is a little tight right now. Plus, I do admit that I am having fun cutting my “braids” off in small installments. ImageIt’s actually really fun. So I will wait for the right moment and so far I am still shooting for the first week of December to embark on my natural hair journey with a big chop. Though I think I have been transitioning for a while now without even realizing it. 

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Since I am currently floating between two households as I am readjusting to my life back in the States from Berlin and the lack of my cozy and stable room of my own there, it is always a treat to come to a room of my own. In a rare moment when I watch the television, I watched yet another episode of Super Soul Sunday on OWN. A recorded show of course. As India Arie pointed out during her interview with Oprah – “Super Soul Sunday is the best show on television.” I think that’s what she said, maybe she was referring to the entire channel – on both counts of which she is supported by me. I am absolutely convinced that Super Soul Sunday is the best television show on television because it is genuine, uplifting, raw, spiritual and very real. It is genuine in the topics…it speaks directly to my intellect and soul. I am very grateful it is here and now.

So India did say a lot of things that also spoke directly to my soul. I just love the candid conversations in this show and how the guests “go there!” to open up and share their truths.

Life is beautiful. And so are these and many other affirmations.

“I am not  your expectations, no, no,

I am not my hair.

I am not this skin.

I am a Soul that lives within”

“Be clear about your intention and the Universe will meet you wherever you are

Aside