Made it

I made it. I finally did. This journey as many in my life has not been in the making for one day or even month. Usually these have taken years. For this precise one, with this mindset of (still fear and anticipation) being able to be here actually, back here to be precise – well this has taken about 6 years. I am now again living in Berlin. Shredded are the letters in which I said I can not return because of heartbreak and the constant reminders of it as the past still flourishes here in it’s own future. I am back.

In the past two weeks I have gotten my Anmeldung. Moved into temporary/long-term housing, walked the streets & felt the senses of my past, have gone out to 1 dance party (a huge one for me), am cooking at my own place, look forward to my boyfriend visiting me again, and today got a mini-babysitting job. I will also add, diverted a friend-breakup, and generally coping better with anxiety. I am proud of my small and BIG triumphs of my small life.

 

 

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3 Weeks to Go

I have already shaved my head once more since that last post. I have also bought a laptop so now I can write better…more conveniently, well when I am moved and less lazy. Today, I colored the little bit of hair that was on my head. Marvelous. I think 2018 will continue to be a year of cut and color, I think. Why not? I am not as attached to the hair it seems; plus there are wigs.

In personal life. I am not a good partner…well I am good in knowing that I think as a partner I need to be alone. That’s hard to break down to someone who loves me and wants to “build” a life with and around me….I might not be the one to do it with though. In 23 days its move time again. Again and finally and at last and really? This one for good-good. No matter after that where I end up, it won’t be back here with the folks – that’s for sure.

This 2018 has been real with relationships…and I mean real-real brutal at times, but also really good. Letting go of those who literally do not want me in their lives. I respect that. As is it’s already a congested sort of existence with the interwebs like totally infringing upon each others lives, so instead of fighting what people want. More importantly also, it is about personal boundaries. I realize I have some of my own, just like the people rejecting me from their lives and well I respect our choices. Not everything is so dramatic though. We hurt people, we make them happy and we just all at the end of it all are learning to exist under one roof in this life. With that said I am 23 days from moving. Still a lot to do and a ton of work in between. It will be well, because it IS well all along.

 

 

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Fear is trumping. I sense such good inner vibes of strength and calmness in me. Fear is a bad wolf which should not be invited to any dinners; really avoid at all costs. I suppose fearlessness with humility and trust in the Universe is a healing power which I chose to cultivate instead.

I would say I am poor, yet I do not starve. My health insurance is soon to be gone, yet I see venues to have the care I nee right now.

I said something very frank to my mother this morning. That we don’t have and never really did have much to talk about in general but it doesn’t mean I hate her. It is just how our relationship over the years unraveled. I am really learning to be content with that.

There are themed entries I would love to write about my experience in Berlin from my perspective which encompasses a very intricate self-identity. And another one on hair. My hair journey.

Now on to the daily tasks. These are mental notes for drafts.

Now

Aside

Soulful Sunday

It was a rough evening yesterday. The kind where you are still harboring resentment towards your mother and then you scream it out and let her know that she never delivered in a way that you needed her to all your life. The laissze faire attitude towards parenting and lack of taking responsibility that the emotional well being of your child, no matter how old she is now, has something to do with your way of upbringing her which does and will affect her. I am not a mother and perhaps never will be but I am a child of one. There are always emotional footprints of all relationships we are part of. In any case, I do not feel all glorious about the way I said these things and would like to apologize for the delivery but still stand by what I think. I could have had a better mother if she only tried….

Besides that I think that we women have to deal with a lot of hormonal factors that affect our emotions on daily basis. I think my period is due very soon and I am yet again wrapped a bit by the emotional blanket of sometimes uncontrollable sensitivity and sadness. To top it all off perhaps I will never understand why this breakup had to be so painful. I think I could have learned my lessons in a way that was more soothing to the heart and had less toxicity. It just feels like garbage dumped into my heart, soul, and mind that could have also been thrown in a bin – because I like cleanliness and could have put things there calmly too. And the notion that people often say time heals all wounds actually never had a good taste in my mouth. Instead I can resonate better with that it does get easier as your self awareness and confidence grows during the time of healing. Because for me it has been already close to 5 months and some days seem like it was day one. Perhaps it is a combination of time, space, and personal development during this time that will heal everything. I know it is a process because I see and feel it all the time. There are triggers and sometimes factors beyond my own control that pull things backward or make a hold up – but overall I know there is constant progress because that is what I decided for myself I want. Going forward while living in the present and not being stuck and overwhelmed by the past. But this is work and requires, in my opinion a lot of vulnerability, what may seem sometimes crazy talks with yourself, some type of courage, a lot of gratitude and self forgiveness. Although there are a lot more elements in the healing soup – these are just a few. I’m working on it.

As life is uncontrollable and small things just happen to make you feel just a tab bit better; a few moments ago I opened my email browser and saw someone by the name “Robin” liked my blog. This persons shares the name of my first love and the young man that will forever mean so much to be that only my soul can speak of it while my words will utterly fail me. This is a small moment of gratitude to the universe for this random moment of positive and kind emotional relief.

It is Sunday. Next week promises to be as packed as I make it out to be. Though I only have one personal event (yes because I still plan on doing a hair chop soon), one volunteer initiative, training session for my tutoring certification and uggghhh yes 8 (minus one break) days of work straight. A moment here to pause and be grateful for everything once again in my life. I still have an active mind, an ache for continues personal development, dedication and devotion to causes greater than myself, zest for life, shelter, food, life! I have it all really. And I will heal and continue on this roller coaster of life until my time also comes to leave this universe.

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