It was a rough evening yesterday. The kind where you are still harboring resentment towards your mother and then you scream it out and let her know that she never delivered in a way that you needed her to all your life. The laissze faire attitude towards parenting and lack of taking responsibility that the emotional well being of your child, no matter how old she is now, has something to do with your way of upbringing her which does and will affect her. I am not a mother and perhaps never will be but I am a child of one. There are always emotional footprints of all relationships we are part of. In any case, I do not feel all glorious about the way I said these things and would like to apologize for the delivery but still stand by what I think. I could have had a better mother if she only tried….
Besides that I think that we women have to deal with a lot of hormonal factors that affect our emotions on daily basis. I think my period is due very soon and I am yet again wrapped a bit by the emotional blanket of sometimes uncontrollable sensitivity and sadness. To top it all off perhaps I will never understand why this breakup had to be so painful. I think I could have learned my lessons in a way that was more soothing to the heart and had less toxicity. It just feels like garbage dumped into my heart, soul, and mind that could have also been thrown in a bin – because I like cleanliness and could have put things there calmly too. And the notion that people often say time heals all wounds actually never had a good taste in my mouth. Instead I can resonate better with that it does get easier as your self awareness and confidence grows during the time of healing. Because for me it has been already close to 5 months and some days seem like it was day one. Perhaps it is a combination of time, space, and personal development during this time that will heal everything. I know it is a process because I see and feel it all the time. There are triggers and sometimes factors beyond my own control that pull things backward or make a hold up – but overall I know there is constant progress because that is what I decided for myself I want. Going forward while living in the present and not being stuck and overwhelmed by the past. But this is work and requires, in my opinion a lot of vulnerability, what may seem sometimes crazy talks with yourself, some type of courage, a lot of gratitude and self forgiveness. Although there are a lot more elements in the healing soup – these are just a few. I’m working on it.
As life is uncontrollable and small things just happen to make you feel just a tab bit better; a few moments ago I opened my email browser and saw someone by the name “Robin” liked my blog. This persons shares the name of my first love and the young man that will forever mean so much to be that only my soul can speak of it while my words will utterly fail me. This is a small moment of gratitude to the universe for this random moment of positive and kind emotional relief.
It is Sunday. Next week promises to be as packed as I make it out to be. Though I only have one personal event (yes because I still plan on doing a hair chop soon), one volunteer initiative, training session for my tutoring certification and uggghhh yes 8 (minus one break) days of work straight. A moment here to pause and be grateful for everything once again in my life. I still have an active mind, an ache for continues personal development, dedication and devotion to causes greater than myself, zest for life, shelter, food, life! I have it all really. And I will heal and continue on this roller coaster of life until my time also comes to leave this universe.