Chill

The Russian Soul of an African & American me. I really think this is why I am able to empathize and have hunger for the world and it’s people. This is something I am convinced of I have in me.

Peace Corps in many ways I think you are calling me more than I thought I was ready for when I began to pursue you again back in September. I am still fresh in the application process with an interview happening hopefully as early as January, but something tells me it was not all in vain and by an accident that I pressed the send button before I was ready to submit my application two months ago.

I crave to be believed in and supported to pursue something very big in my life. I need it. I ask the Universe to unveil that which is destined for me to grow with and from.

I have also conteplated for months now to just write the X. YES I KNOW THE CONVENTIONAL BULLSHIT stuff that you shouldn’t, yadda, yadda, yadda stuff. But I am me, and I am unafraid to live by my truth. Plus falling flat on my face has showed me that I am resilient, kind, generous, still loving and very much unique in my own ways. Plus yesterday it already made me feel much better after literally months of what felt like growing a mini ball of sadness even inside my body. Let him laugh, or just erase the messages. I am shamelessly unashamed and what the heck do I have to lose in being brave? Nothing. For when you bare it all you are prepared to be naked and that I mean by being naked in your soul. The other nakedness has already been shared.

Perhaps because “the point is to free yourself from what cost your heart even more…” and that is the love which was shared some distant days ago….

In the meantime I am banning myself from facebook for at least two days. Wow.

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Serving others (with gratitude and hunger) Serves Me

Another day has already begun. Days can begin with heavy thoughts and sensations sometime, but then you can re-focus on what is more important and the weight becomes less burdensome. I think this is called maturity or Divine Timing in people’s lives, when we can recognize these things from having paid attention to life’s daily lessons.

Also, today some years ago a very special woman was born. She grew to touch the lives of many and also my own. Today as always I extend my love to her through the distance of time and space as she is far away in Germany. I am grateful for her being and being in my life from an early age. Happy Birthday Susichka. You are a friend, a mother, a muse, a source of strength, joy, inspiration, and aspiration in my life. I am infinitely grateful for you in this world and your genuine spirit which you share so generously.

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“Giving to others through service is simply recognizing what you do best in any given moment and offering that as a gift to someone else.”

As the day goes on I will carry on today’s mediation core lesson “Serving others serves me.” Yes, this is my prayer. Always has been and I know will continue on to  however long my life will continue to go on. How do you serve you ask? By being yourself. Yes, by being the authentic, real genuine you. Understanding your own unique talent and sharing that with others. Are you a great hug giver, listener, mathematician, singer, writer, lover, cleaner and many other things? Yes, I am sure you are. I know I am a very loving, dedicated, genuinely sincere person who is imperfect and finds perfection in that. I see the imperfections of others too and love them dearly. I am blessed to have my doubts, confidence, fears, hopes and gratitude. I always have been and am hungry to exchange, share, give and receive. These things and more. Finding my purpose sharing it with others and receiving from the universe. That is me.

Today is the last day with my hair as well. A new journey is going to begin tomorrow. One of the best compliments I received was yesterday which went like this “You like change, I can see that in you.” Yes I embrace change and am on a continuous journey to embrace change without fear but pure anticipation and gratitude that it always brings, while being my authentic self.

I wish you all a wondrous day. In spite of dull and tough moments during the day which are bound to happen remember (and I will do the same very consciously and actively, I promise to myself); we can serve by simply and most importantly being the real wonderful ourselves, which we already are and can continue to uncover for as long as we are breathing in this world. And recognizing those whom we love and admire is a gift and yet another service which we receive. I am deeply grateful for everything.

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That I was insanely emotionally brave – even if 6,727 kilometers or 4, 170 miles away

This was a draft from days ago…….

I quite often now think about how I want to remember having had lived my life. When I am dead and no longer physically or emotionally here in this world to be remembered by. I want people to know that I truly took emotional “risks” though I wish they were fully acknowledged as having “had lived your own, true, pure truth” out for the world and people to see. I want that more than anything when I am dead.

To bask in the knowledge that I took the scary path of being real, vulnerable and free to share what I feel deeply without pretentiousness and or malicious or calculated intent. That I was brave and believed so strongly in being real and living truthfully and authentically from the inside out as opposed to the outside in. That I let my inner god and soul live out here also in this world and among very hurt people who are glazed over by the superficiality of it all. The outside pressures to be something we are not and wasting our lives building and living out in a way that is not authentic to our inner selves. The commonly “lucky ones” as it is labeled within our society, reach this by having a “mid life crisis” to reach this point. Where they reach a point in life when they question everything they have had done and how that measures up to their real emotions and thoughts and hopes and personal fulfillment. This happens most commonly in their mid 40’s that it should take this long of leading a life heading towards a “path” that is not consistent with their inner truth which they fight to ignore or hide because being vulnerable and facing it all seems like a daunting and unwelcome event in our world. I think that the lucky ones find a right partnership, friendships and family dynamics that support a continuous safe space for all of this. Others may never find this and must always do this alone, but actually no they don’t have to do it alone I think there is always an opportunity to be surrounded by the like minded people and the supportive messages that will support this type of approach to life. This is a mater of bravery then and belief in others, the inner trust that they are worthy of your undying loyalty and belief in them.

Then I begin my conversations with you, that you never get to hear…..So I have these thoughts of how I am “the one”, that same “one” that you have let go right now because frankly neither one of us is ready for what we both could have built together. I personally know that I need some time on my own only for me. And for you this time also means perhaps chasing other women. I do not like the sound of it, the feel of it, the idea of it, nothing really of that I like but, also I respect and truly believe that if I need my space you need yours as well.

It seems like a storm is out there. The first day of a new month. Second to last month of this year. I just had an intense thought of you. I browsed through my photos from the gift photo shoot that my roommate gifted me. I see how I was consumed with thoughts of you. How much if you had only known I don’t think your heart could not have had opened up to me. I think I really have fallen for that soul of yours which you have not yet gotten to know yourself, and my love even from such a huge distance of 6, 170 kilometers sends you nothing but positive wishes. You had asked me once what “love is” and I think through this entire journey I have been exploring what it means myself. Sometimes love is quiet, patient, tender, raw, and bare. Utterly vulnerable and humbled by the circumstance.

I felt something for you from the first moment I saw you in that kitchen in Berlin. The very moment I stepped out into the kitchen after doing make up, I knew I was in some sort of trouble because I was not emotionally equipped for a “relationship” at the time. I truly believe that I see in you, your traces of your authentic self which you do not see yourself. My confidence in this should not alarm or scare you, instead I wish for it to cover you with comfort sense of security, specialness and love. Also the confidence in knowing that you, it is YOU who has this from another person who in reality is a complete stranger to you, yet her soul has found also a familiar thread of love and comfort in you for her too. I liked to watch you when you sat by your computer and stared at your screen so obsessively focused on something that you were working on. I sensed your insecurities and I felt the tightness of your lips reflecting the rope you place around your hear to protect it. There was something in that reservness that makes me pay attention to you and feel a sense of loyalty and solidarity because I see it, acknowledge it and deeply cherish it because it is emotional gold that I can notice in the way I do.  I noticed in you what you hide and perhaps neglect yourself to notice. Silence for now.

And then life forever moves forward. Well no not forever but we move forward while appreciating the present time.

 

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Just yesterday I was thinking and I think saw the original image of “Rosie the Riveter” figure with the famous slogan ”We Can Do It!” by J. Howard Miller. And as I have become utterly intrigued, and continuously inspired by the great blog Urbanbushbabes I just moments ago stumbled upon the post in which Cipriana (what a beautiful name, isn’t it?) recreated the image and applied it towards our Natural Hair Movement! Brilliant on so many levels. I have myself been contemplating what this movement means for us  the women of color. Gorgeous in all hues with absolutely astonishingly beautifully diverse hair textures, shapes, and volumes. My beauty standards have absolutely been undergoing a really big transformation these days, I have mentioned this before and I will continue to reinforce this realization further.

I am also toying with my own hair. I took out yet another braid out yet again. And gave myself a “cut” to achieve a shorter style. If there were no monetary constraints and NYC was not a bit far and did not require about two days off from work for me, I think my hair would have been cut already. But I am awful at planning trips as they give me some sort of anxiety and the money is a little tight right now. Plus, I do admit that I am having fun cutting my “braids” off in small installments. ImageIt’s actually really fun. So I will wait for the right moment and so far I am still shooting for the first week of December to embark on my natural hair journey with a big chop. Though I think I have been transitioning for a while now without even realizing it. 

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Since I am currently floating between two households as I am readjusting to my life back in the States from Berlin and the lack of my cozy and stable room of my own there, it is always a treat to come to a room of my own. In a rare moment when I watch the television, I watched yet another episode of Super Soul Sunday on OWN. A recorded show of course. As India Arie pointed out during her interview with Oprah – “Super Soul Sunday is the best show on television.” I think that’s what she said, maybe she was referring to the entire channel – on both counts of which she is supported by me. I am absolutely convinced that Super Soul Sunday is the best television show on television because it is genuine, uplifting, raw, spiritual and very real. It is genuine in the topics…it speaks directly to my intellect and soul. I am very grateful it is here and now.

So India did say a lot of things that also spoke directly to my soul. I just love the candid conversations in this show and how the guests “go there!” to open up and share their truths.

Life is beautiful. And so are these and many other affirmations.

“I am not  your expectations, no, no,

I am not my hair.

I am not this skin.

I am a Soul that lives within”

“Be clear about your intention and the Universe will meet you wherever you are

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On Serving….

“Service to others is the rent you pay for a room here on this Earth.”

— Shirley Chisholm
 
There is absolutely something healing and orgasmic about being of service and giving gratitude in this life. I am really grateful for feeling this and many new waves of gratifying moments in my life’s journey and at this stage. 
 
Last night I chopped off yet another portion of my braided hair. The feeling of short hair is feeling really right these days. 
 
November 11th will mark yet another opportunity to dive into the quietness and reflective gift of guided meditation. If you have not not signed up please try it out, you might find this very soothing to your own soul.
 
And speaking of time. November 7th is already here….2013 is gearing up for it’s farewell I am sure. 
 
Time. Life. Self. 
 
Giving gratitude is the constant. 
 
 
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