Tick Tock it’s time for the 2020 Clock

My last posting thoughts here for 2019, at least from the Eastern Time standpoint. I went for a short hike/walk in a park nearby. Did grocery and vision board prep shopping. Cleaned the headlight from my car. Did my yearly review ritual, listened to music. Dolled myself up and now will go eat and ring in 2020 with mum and sister at home. Well, they say it’s a 10 year recap…I literally have lived and died some and resurected in this timeframe. That’s in a nutshell what I got to say about the periods from 2010-the coming of 2020.

Happy Western New Year. This year alone, I celebrated two New Years in a country of my birth and now in a country of my upbringing. I am blessed and I manifest more blessings and allignments for myself and healing for the world.

Xoxo from 2019 to my precious self in 2020. See ya soon Queen.

Post op

I am going to do a follow up; a follow up to my last post that is. I made it outside this Monday. I made it out of my flat. I didn’t do it alone. I reached out to my dear friend and said, “I need help, just support to leave my flat.” And there I was anxiously waiting for a response to my plea of support because I had to leave my flat. He dutifully came to me and we made it out of my flat together. We chatted to brake the oddity, he shared with me that I am valid and that I did the right thing to reach out. I am so grateful, with so much sincere gratitude. I have a lot of anxiety which is a part of my life’s journey, yet the amount of love I do have in my life to support me is also big in my life. I have my dear friends, alas not everyone is able to be here for me at all times in the way that I need them, but THERE are people who will be around when I ask. So Simon, thank you for lifting me out.

I think that since this year is ending soon and I am as always in everlasting transitions there sure is a lot of anxiety. And the internalized traumas are also there too. It is a no-brainer that last weekend’s emotional burn out happened. Just like that, as a byproduct of revolving anxiety and environmental factors which led to it. I feel good though right now (also my period is over so probably the hormonal intensity is balancing out) and even though next weeks are again going to be as potentially emotionally packed with anxiety, I have survived last weekend’s blow and well I believe and am hopeful that I can do it again.

When I met you I didn’t know I found my gem…

Almost three years ago we met on a beach. I was punished for being there. It was a coping space from which I found hard to leave because we met. I met him then and didn’t even know I had it in me to feel that way again while still being the same hurt person. Last summer, I almost lost him. Being stuck in illusions, overwhelmed with realities and stuck in the vortex of the past – I almost lost him. I pushed him away, I ran away, I broke our ways. Then something clicked. I lost my passport, dignity, time, money, phone and illusions of the past. Ghosts that I created and cherished for so long that finally upon seeing the real thing again, I couldn’t deny anymore and appease the coping sense of my mind’s creations that the truth was always there in front of me too. I was not wanted, was told of that frankly after being cuddled in heaps of lies. I was hurt deeply. With scars I will carry to my grave or air, perhaps I will be cremated someday…who knows. Yet that too now passed. I am still standing and with love at that. Also, maturity knocked on my shoulders and frankly told me to stop being a wimp and a coward to even myself. Something clicked also when I unwaxed my ears from that sticky yet sweet layer of lies which I held on to so desperately. There was also a heap dash of illusions which were as equally sweet. But more importantly now, I finally heard him – the one who has been with me for nearly 3 years. And I still hear him more loudly now thankfully too.

Change is not easy. Especially when you gradually or for your whole life wanted something so badly and seemingly find it hard to get to. But then there is also hope. And with hope and honest love I think there is something real to actually get to – a path not only made by being alone yet with someone who sees the light in you which you have allowed to become dimmed for yourself to see anymore.

I’ve made grave mistakes. As a result some relations are gone or gravely severed. I am remorseful on my end for causing frictions and dissent. Also I am more accepting of change. Of time passing, of people changing and moving forward even without me in mind.

Ase to my truth, my love for you, and us.