When I met you I didn’t know I found my gem…

Almost three years ago we met on a beach. I was punished for being there. It was a coping space from which I found hard to leave because we met. I met him then and didn’t even know I had it in me to feel that way again while still being the same hurt person. Last summer, I almost lost him. Being stuck in illusions, overwhelmed with realities and stuck in the vortex of the past – I almost lost him. I pushed him away, I ran away, I broke our ways. Then something clicked. I lost my passport, dignity, time, money, phone and illusions of the past. Ghosts that I created and cherished for so long that finally upon seeing the real thing again, I couldn’t deny anymore and appease the coping sense of my mind’s creations that the truth was always there in front of me too. I was not wanted, was told of that frankly after being coddled in heaps of lies. I was hurt deeply. With scars I will carry to my grave or air, perhaps I will be cremated someday…who knows. Yet that too now passed. I am still standing and with love at that. Also, maturity knocked on my shoulders and frankly told me to stop being a wimp and a coward to even myself. Something clicked also when I unwaxed my ears from that sticky yet sweet layer of lies which I held on to so desperately. There was also a heep dash of illusions which were as equally sweet. But more importantly now, I finally heard him – the one who has been with me for the past almost 3 years. And I still hear him more loudly now thankfully too.

Change is not easy. Especially when you gradually or for your whole life wanted something so badly and seemingly find it hard to get to. But then there is also hope. And with hope and honest love I think there is something real to actually get to – a path not only made by being alone yet someone who sees the light in you which you have allowed to become dimmed for yourself to see anymore.

I’ve made grave mistakes. As a result some relations are gone or gravely severed. I am remorseful on my end for causing frictions and dissent. Also I am more accepting of change. Of time passing, of people changing and moving forward even without me in mind.

Ase to my truth, my love for you, and us.

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Own it

For a few hours now a thought of regret, but not like self badgering kind, has been brewing in my mind. Why did I call this guy today? It is quite useless to be honest to have called him. Literally he rejected me and then I fought my way to find out why. Because a. I am a very curious person. b. I am honest in my emotions and intentions (of course here I am ever always improving upon making them as authentic as possible), and c. I was literally fed completely different signals from what was about to smack the living shiz out of me upon being told I was being dumped. Those are just a few things…also I would have never really hurt someone intentionally or deliberately, or in such a calculated way as I was at that time hurt.

I transgress, those things do not matter to be honest. I have suppressed a lot of my intuition when I was in that person and I don’t ever want to do that again. Frankly, after crying for the past 8 months. Four of which have been utterly non stop until just two days ago…I think this is rather out of character for me. The person is alive, thriving in their choices (yes which included dumping me), and

 

I do not want to change my freedom for anything and anyone at the moment. I do not wish to be tied down by any “romantic” relationship especially anything that would make me suppress my true self. I am learning about myself and I love this journey. I am so grateful the break up happened, and today I even feel that the fact that it happened in such a harsh way was a blessing rather than a crippling misfortune for me as I have previously thought. Yes, still I do not think it had to be so cruel as it was, but whatever I am able to look past this and appreciate the lessons that are still pouring in. Today at 12:2am I would have to say that I do not want to have a skype conversation with him on Friday or anytime soon for that matter. I do not really see the need and maybe I will forever miss something about him, yet the fact that it is broken…the bond was broken and our time on earth is limited and that person knows this too shows a lot. I have learned so much about my character, the source of where my jealousy has been coming from and what I need from my partner to help me with in order to cope with these things that clearly this person was a lesson rather than a means to an end in terms of who my partner should be. Something like that. I think the sheer preoccupation with this heartbreak and the person has been a little bit too excessive to be honest. And reaching out, wanting to say something…why? I don’t see the value in it as much as I did before. Not sure…to be honest, so what? It happened I am taking amazing lessons from it all and I would say I don’t really need this person in my life anymore…wow. I did just say that. I saw a light in him that he doesn’t see, but if my light is not seen and considered not essential I accept and move on.

This really is powerful and therapeutic for me to be able to verbalize and rationalize. And I know I might have ups and downs about this but honestly this is a great sense of maturity on my end. Embracing myself the way I come out at each and every moment.

Today is not Friday yet, and frankly there is no need to be bothered with the future. The present is the key, and I want to experience each and every emotion I have at each moment and honor it all.

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My first tattoo will be: “Happiness is an unlimited resource.” I think I want to do it in the languages I speak, or maybe just a combination of foreign letters. Not sure yet.

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11 minutes

So I did it. I called my A* (I hat the term “ex” so I will use his first initial from now on) who is all the way in Lueneburg or Magdeburg right now. I didn’t quite probe into the details of his whereabouts, but it was clear he was at Weihnachtsmarkt! Oh German Christmas markets, how I miss you. The sheer aura of Christmas being all around you…I miss that. It is utterly different here in D.C. – well I just quickly googled and apparently there is a Downtown Holiday Market which started on November 29 and will end on December 23. Umm lame, well kind of lame because a Christmas market should be kept up all day long and inject a true spirit of the winter holidays. I personally have not seen this market yet and seemingly won’t because it ends tomorrow at 8pm and I have to work at 6:00 so no way of getting there before hand. I must go to work today too. Anyway, I also youtubed the videos put up on this market in D.C. and actually they are featuring some very cool vendors, so there you have it. In any case, I like the authentic German Christmas Markets – they are aesthetically more beautiful. The spirit of the holiday is so much stronger in Germany from my personal observation. Or maybe being a child of a diaspora with a very mixed up traditional core contributes to my assessment of it all as well. I am sure that can’t be discounted.

Yes. I called my him. Every time I talk to my friends about my relationship with him, which happens very rarely since I have reduced my communication let alone talking about him with anyone ever since I came back from Europe, something happens. All over again. Well the feelings are always there but I do get influenced by what my friends say sometimes. Long after that momentum of a conversation expires, the influential bug remains. Also being a hormonal lady that I can be, sometimes I do take chances. I did take one this morning. Since yesterday I also got one more reinforcement of my belief that life should be accepted as is – I decided that one should face the fear and go for it. I mean he could not pick up, being that he is in Europe and then I wouldn’t have to talk to him. But he did. First he picked up and I realized he can’t hear me very well. He is so

Maybe I am like a little girl who is in love with a semi/big boy who is just a dream? Maybe when I was 24 I met my imperfect soulmate and he did not realize yet that I am his woman for life yet? Haha, maybe you should not take life so serious and nor yourself in it? It’s funny in a way, and I am smiling shyly now. Though in the past 4 months a ton of tears have been shed. I mean a TON! I smile now gently at myself, but there is something in meeting someone who influences you I guess. I was so shy when on the second attempt we finally could hear one another. Maybe this call will mean nothing to him as the day goes on, maybe it will tingle him a little bit in his heart ? I know for sure though that I know him in a way that I don’t think he even knows himself yet. Did I sound strange or “crazy” in that sentence? Maybe, but I don’t care! In fact I embrace what I feel and the way I think, period! After minor blah, blah, blah talk with awful communication signal, mainly because I don’t think he could hear me well – I summoned the courage to say “I miss you” and later on “we should skype next week”. He said “yes, sure when?”, and I responded in a hasty way because I didn’t know what else to say “let me look in my calendar…how about next Friday?” The response was “ok, I will shoot you an email for the time.” Something like that. It lasted all 11 minutes and 10 seconds. Sometimes being courageous and going with your gut feeling lasts that long. Embracing that moment in your daily life when you go for it.

I don’t think I want to be with him now, so I am not disillusioned by things like that. The break up helped me grow as a person in numerous ways. It is not possible to describe the real feelings that I have about this. My girlfriend whom I have been craving to see for such a long time now, and with whom I had a very difficult time reconnecting when I got back reached out in the morning to me yesterday. From then on, days that went with me actually missing all of my friends and being lonely as a result just like that were replenished. Yesterday, I got a chance not only to meet her, but also go to the city with another girlfriend of mine and facilitating a reunion of that girlfriend with my sister as well. So all in all, life is just awesome like that. You wish for something with good intentions and put out into the universe. Then you must be open to receive when it is given. I got my girlfriends and our candid and soulful talks, a wonderful time with my sister and friends in the city I like at times, as a result. Gratitude.

As with A* I will just in the same fashion take it day by day, moment by moment. Sadness and small joys as it comes. Life happens for a reason.

 

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A blind moment

I just hit a car. A neighbor’s car while parallel parking. Thanks to the universe though it really is only a scratch and the reaction from the owner was more than comforting. It’s deeper than the accident though, especially considering why it happened.

I always had a very vivid imagination. I knew it, even if I did not show it per se in terms of manifesting it into some sort of artistic product. I don’t know how to play any instruments. I think I can sing but I am in no way a singer by any means. I don’t really draw, though I enjoy it though. I do write though and think a lot. In my imagination I always think of one thing, then another, then third and stories are made, even if they are never told. I write. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes it is hard to express in words…or should I say quick enough to write everything down. Though even looking back at the start of this paragraph alone I can see I am lying even to myself. Too many “I don’ts here. Just last night I was driving in my car to work and had an out loud conversation with no one to listen to in German. I don’t speak German…scratch that. I do! I have recorded some dancing sessions of myself as I was moved by the music to express what my soul and mind were feeling at the moment. I am not trained in any type of dance, yet I have always danced – the music always moves me. I have recorded freestyle songs for only but myself just last months ago. I am artistic…whatever that means. I am creative I know this. Yet I transgress. The accident.

I hit the car. I did not even see it. Not for a moment did I see it. How could that be? Simple. I was in another world, consumed by the pain that I feel inside which in reality has never been dealt with to the point that it needs too. You can’t escape some things, no matter how much you try. Trust me. I declared to my mother that I am not surprised yet still affected each and every time I do not hear a positive thing of “Ok, well that plan sounds interesting, now hear me out on what I think?” I never outwardly lived the pain that I feel inside. The feeling that I am not good enough to be loved by my own parents. Just once to be told, “Look, you are very different from us…we see it, but we love you no matter what.” I don’t need money – I just need a hug. A sense that you love me enough to just say, “We don’t believe in this personally, but if you do then there must something you feel and we love you enough to think it is not a crazy thought.” I am asking for a lot? I forgave the abuse…yes it was a torturous abuse that I did not deserve by any means. No one can justify it, because I was not raised in the same environment they were therefore to me I can only describe it as “abuse”, not cultural norm.  No child in any culture deserves that. Yet I am grateful to the clarity to accept this and not be forever crippled by all of the surreal cruelty towards me during my childhood. I feel for that little girl though still. She is still in me. She is often confused but stays very silent about it all. I did not chose to be a child of a diaspora. I did not chose to be affected in all the ways that I was and become who I am now fully. I did not chose to be so colorfully creative in my thoughts. Or did I? Do I? I think I am doing much better this time around. Shit. Last time I was hit with this situation of uncovering the wounds I fell into the big D. Yes, I came out of it. What seemed like alone. But I did. I won’t go down that path again. It was a very dark, hopeless, consuming and exhausting path of self disintegration. If I did not vow before, I vow now to never go down that path again. Never. I will cry it all out, make a full of myself talking and writing about my struggles, but never go down that path again. It was an awful place to be.  I better write about this then feel anger or self pity. That is the medicine; to still think and bring it out rather than let it rot inside.

I am proud of me really. Even if I accept that I myself am a bit weird. I just need a hug. I just need my mother’s hug.

So yes, hi my name is________ and I have mommy issues.

Anyways more is cried out than can be written.

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….

It happened. I was at work and was harboring a feeling of wanting to run away. This happened last year a couple of months before I went to Europe. It happened again today. I think it is the growing anxiety of many things. The coming of end of the year 2013 which at some points in trying to describe it leaves me speechless. Like now…..no words to really describe it all.

Confused? No this is beyond confusion. I set out to do the meditations and one day at work wrote a note that at the end of it I want some kind of resolution to be reached in dealing with what happened in June. It is officially December 1 and the last day of the 21 day Meditation series. Shit. 

I don’t even recognize 100% the girl who looks at me back in the mirror. Seems even my “big chop” is being trumped by this uneasy, and maybe confusing feeling growing within me. How did I get to this point? How did I get myself emotionally to this point in my life? Should I freak out and panic? I think I have a little bit of that going on already anyways, just really trying to keep it all under some sort of control. I am turning 26 next week. I booked a trip to NYC, the first trip since being back from Europe also for next weekend. Can I handle it all? The list of outstanding things that I must do and am a little bit paralyzed to finalize seems to be crippling me down too. But no one makes me do these things. I am the pusher of it all. Yes, this is a freak out moment. I don’t know how else to describe it. 

Ok. I tried to take my mind off of things for a moment. It helped. I have a headache now. I don’t think the “how” and “why” questions help at all. I know the don’t. This is how things are that is all I must accept. It’s ok to have intense moments like these. I did not stop doing anything since being back from Europe. I just kept pressing the gas pedal on living. I think this all makes sense. It’s a heavy season with lot’s of baggage. It is all alright. I am alright. 

I love that I have writing to go to when it gets this heavy, because it has been even hard to write which is is my form of therapy to say the least. Deep breath in and a long one out. Life continues. I am still blessed and endlessly grateful. Fear, hurt, doubt and anything else that is not inspirational will not hold me down. Yet I am allowed to bow my head down at moments when they are proving to be hard. Resilience. 

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