When there is love

I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my hand to enjoy life from, but sure have been blessed with the silver spoons shared with me by others to enjoy life with. My recent trip to Colorado was one of those examples. In conventional words a blessing and a gift from a friend in the form of time and memories for my lifetime.

Sometimes you step into a journey and you don’t even know that you took the first step. All the days were just like that. Cheesy, I know. But so many important moments were exchanged and developed from scratch. He created a world for us and it was incredible. I have not felt this in years and on the trip felt the connection from within again. My connection with my own intuition. On this trip there were series of events that revealed themselves from my inner wishes. The Universe gave me so many gifts to cherish in those moments. A reminder and an ushering of return to self connection.

Finding my own rainbow – Reflecting on my personal character

Today I am having an off day. I am craving off days in my own room, which is a shared residential space at the moment, and I really feel good. I am spending time alone in my room. I even meddled in trying on some of my clothing and sorted through things that MUST be returned to the store. The time in a woman’s life when she is off her period really is a blessing. The hormonal balance at the moment is empowering. That’s a side note information for the record.

I will be taking a vacation in a few days. Prior to that I look forward to having my “last work day” from the summer project actually. I feel like since March to date, I have worked the most time of my entire life. I mean I suppose that’s how you accelerate paying off a huge debt – by working hard. I come from not a wealthy family – a working family who make life work though. I was going to put myself in a boxed definition of “lower middle class” but boxing yourself with classifications strips you from your individuality I think. Your individual thinking about yourself.

During the quarantine in my state I worked my ass off. I literally worked often more than 80 hours a week. Labor intense work. Going out in my car and making things work kind of job. Since customer service skills and grind are my top qualities I think personally, that’s why employed during the entire process. I went out each day and found work and made it each day to go out there and re-motivate myself for the next, and next, and the next day. I paid off my entire student debt of over $22,000* between April – July during the 2020 COVID-19 quarantine period.  I used to think that I had to have an office job with daily schedule to achieve it in the past – I have confirmed to myself that no. The strength of my grit has powerful potential. I need to reflect on the grit of my character more often actually to achieve this and the level of motivation that I have which I certainly underestimate – but also recognize more than ever as well. It’s funny, when I hear or watch people recall quarantine as a time of being at home, I can’t relate to it. My parents did not stop working and stay home and neither did I. We have worked a lot and continue to do so. For my parents I wish that they will stop working in the coming years as they have paid a heavy price of capitalist and displaced price tag. For me I need a break. Though I have worked since the age of probably 7, these past months really have been exceptionally grinding. I think its probably the compactness of seeing my financial goal being met so rapidly that adds to the intensity and the feeling that I have been working for years. As I have really, and each and every thing I have done in life, i.e. live in Germany twice between 2018-2019, numerous travels abroad and stays there, purchasing a car (in cash – shout out to my “Ice Queen”, trying to take financially of everyday expenses independently etc, these past months in contrast with the stagnation of independence of movement and injection of fear on a global level really feels intense.

And really, before I get all sidetracked on the web, as I have already since beginning to write this post, I just want to leave it here for me to re-read again someday. I love you, a shoutout to myself !

*Gratitude has to be given to my parents for providing an environment for this to happen. I am not in denial of this by no means. DO NOT GET STUDENT DEBT.

Oneness – because Music matters

Because Music matters! Black Lives Matter and I just want to dedicate this post to a talented artist who also happens to be my uncle! Go check out Tsegaye B. Selassie’s new video and show some love. Lasta Sound also has a lot of great other songs. As I always say because I really believe it “lyrics matter”! Check out the new single “Oneness”  and support the message of resilience, pride and love.

Calming my nerves

I am so glad that I have written all these years. I just browsed through some of my writings in this blog and it is helping to ease my anxiety. It is period days, and my anxiety is a bit on a scheduled run at the moment. I really was feeling anxious and restless, perhaps also because I came not long ago home from socializing. I need a break. I actually think that I need a break. Not a break with other people but a break just to rest on my own. Maybe I ought to book a hotel room for a couple of days and just stay there closed in and rest. Alone. Just rest alone. I need this moment I think, I think in fact it could do me a lot of good. This thought will be kept in the loop of possible actions. Kelly Stamps – a youtube blogger whom I thoroughly enjoy watching – reminded me that this was something that I have always wanted to do actually. She also have helped me to vicariously reminisce about my own experiences in Peru doing just that – hopping through different places of residence. Oh solo trip, it’s a true cliche that EVERY woman should do this at least once in their remembered lifetime.

Reminiscing

I was feeding Sheeba downstairs and instantly had thoughts which I wanted to run and record here. Today I have had feelings of intense gratitude, these feelings actually did not just come today rather I have been frequently visited by these sensations quite often lately. And I mean intense gratitude. Like the sense that makes me emotional and just stop in awe and feel deeply. I am also feeling actual love for my parents. The realization that I actually love them….in spite of many hardship things that can overwhelm anyone, especially a child who grew up with a lot of violence. But that really is besides the point now.

Phew, was writing and then again got carried away by music. Today is a shuffle through 90’s hip hop. Always get distracted by music. A great distraction to have.

On the musings of my mind

Do you ever think about the next time you will be naked with someone again? I sometimes do. A few horny dreams later, I’m still thinking about the next intimate moment. I don’t get into bed with a guy easily. My “sex” adventures have ended in relationships. Anyways, I just think of these things sometimes. Though I think the idea of settling solo also is not not an option. I don’t need 1 night stands. I only want a meaningful, passionate, committed relationship. That’s been my motto in a world of contradictions. I mean really, I want to be with someone who elevates me – not a crutch – someone who wants that too. To be in deep love with someone who elevates them. I don’t believe anymore that you have to have “everything” figured out alone. I do believe you should work on yourself though, help yourself to be the happy and healthy version of you, before coming with someone. BUT not that you have to have LIFE figured out completely. After all, let’s get real. Life is a series of events, a lot that are out of our control, and gazillion of thoughts just raging through your mind. And then there are things like depression, anxiety and limited memory to name a few internal factors…phew.

Universe let us find each other the day we are BOTH ready to meet.

Lyrics matter….

On love in life….

When a relationship ends, a romantic one to be exact, it is not your responsibility to heal the person you left. Removing yourself from a relationship that did not work out is a huge step. You also gave up a dream of sorts, you know. But truly the person hurting from your decision has to take a responsibility for their own healing and choose it firmly.

I was heartbroken and annihilated once. I though I would never come out of that state and love again per se. The journey took me a whole 7 years to get my healing. Because not even consciously, I held on and relived my misery, pain, and trauma over and over again. Then I gradually changed. It was hard, it is hard, very, very, very hard. I don’t try to make sense of the “intention” of the other person anymore above my own healing. I think that helps. No bad vibes. I am not like them and therefore I can’t relate ever. I never want to relate to being that dishonest by any means.

That’s why in this end of a relationship I know my intent is even now to heal not only for me but for my former partner. He is a genuine person, above all I value that the most. He will heal, I removed myself from his path to happiness, I sure hope that he can soon allow himself to move forward to benefit from any future love he can receive, build and nurture with the right person. This has been weighing on my spirit for a few days. It’s good to let it out.

Shit, I don’t even know if I have anymore left in me to feel that vulnerable again to fall in love…you know I am also healing. I know that I have traces though, of wanting to give love, but now is the time to be alone. To continue to love myself to not be needy or lost in another person, but fully fall deeply n love with myself to extend that with another.

In other news, my hair is not growing…my scalp is dandruff. Not sexy, I know. Help? I guess I need to help myself. Killing myself over making money to leave behind the unnerving traces of my former life was not easy. It’s done now. That’s something that I should remember.

I guess I’ll close out this post here.

 

Blank

Parts of my mind feel like a blank. A blank slate? No, more like a blank sheet. What do I put on it? Do I have anything to place on it either? Tired? Burned out? Empty? Not sure, these are negative words and have somehow negative connotations. I think I’m just drawn out a bit. Also period. This is a post from yesterday but today is a new day.

Before going to sleep I want to take a moment to honor myself. To honor my hardworking spirit, my undying committment to myself and my true testament. I am proud of myself for reaching this far. Reaching over and bringing myself forward in spite of obstacles, hardships, failures and self-doubt. Today marks the day I officially was informed that my student loans of 10 years have been paid off. To be exact I paid them nearly all off in just 2 months time! YES in spite of dealing with a police abuse case and dealing with COVID-19 paralysis I went out into the world, set a goal to achieve and freed myself from my student debt burden. Over $20, 000 are as a result paid off in 2 months.

My true testament is to my body, soul,

Joined in May 2009

That’s the date I guess I joined this blogging space. Dates matter.

It is 4:24am and I am fully awake. My work doesn’t start until 4 more hours from now, but I don’t force sleep where it is not found anymore.

Next milestone 40’s… With a face of a 20 something year old (today) it’s strange to think of that, but realistic and healthy. My mother is funny, we had a comical moment of boding, which is rare, yesterday where she said “from now on everything goes downhill.” I must admire her sarcastic and gloomy outlook on aging. It was funny how she proceeded to describe that our lifetimes are filled with going upwards (growing in life) and then sliding downwards (aging) right after. There are tidbits in what she is saying but not everything is a gloom.

What is next though? I finished with the biggest burden and goal of my lifetime thus far (loans) a few days ago. Something that I thought before was unattainable to accomplish or rather rendered more time and more earning capacity (i.e. some sort of a stable and mainstream employment scheme) to actually achieve. In the end I learned number one it is fully taking control of your abilities, grinding (which I am a pro at – I am self-aware with confidence that I am one of the most hardworking people I know), focusing and doing! I worked tirelessly to get to that finish line. And then I find myself at this very finish line that I wanted to reach. I think it is imperative to take a reflective moment for someone like myself who doesn’t do this often to acknowledge the strength and admirable quality of my character. I guess this is what self-love looks like. Loving yourself for the things you do and who you are at your core.

 

Been meaning to write…

The title is such a tag line in my head. I have been meaning and thinking of writing yet NOT actually doing it. The only thing I have consistently been forcing myself to do is work. I work a lot. A lot a lot. Too much really.

What next then? After the loan repayment? Will there be any love in the future?

 

Why am I working so much physically and avoiding to do the other things so that I don’t have to do this physical labor for the rest of my life?