Post op

I am going to do a follow up; a follow up to my last post that is. I made it outside this Monday. I made it out of my flat. I didn’t do it alone. I reached out to my dear friend and said, “I need help, just support to leave my flat.” And there I was anxiously waiting for a response to my plea of support because I had to leave my flat. He dutifully came to me and we made it out of my flat together. We chatted to brake the oddity, he shared with me that I am valid and that I did the right thing to reach out. I am so grateful, with so much sincere gratitude. I have a lot of anxiety which is a part of my life’s journey, yet the amount of love I do have in my life to support me is also big in my life. I have my dear friends, alas not everyone is able to be here for me at all times in the way that I need them, but THERE are people who will be around when I ask. So Simon, thank you for lifting me out.

I think that since this year is ending soon and I am as always in everlasting transitions there sure is a lot of anxiety. And the internalized traumas are also there too. It is a no-brainer that last weekend’s emotional burn out happened. Just like that, as a byproduct of revolving anxiety and environmental factors which led to it. I feel good though right now (also my period is over so probably the hormonal intensity is balancing out) and even though next weeks are again going to be as potentially emotionally packed with anxiety, I have survived last weekend’s blow and well I believe and am hopeful that I can do it again.

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An invisible beast

I’m sad. I have not left my flat yesterday and today I thought I would. Now still here, still indoors. I had an urge to ask for help, but everyone has their own lives. And after all what do you say, please pick me up I don’t feel well? I need help to leave my flat? After all I am past the adulting age – I am an adult. Sometimes I am so ashamed of it. I am so ashamed that I am unable to win some days against the crippling depression.

I am even looking quite nice actually, albeit visible. I sometimes want to be invisible, so that I could just be outside and no one staring, or even just looking and such. Yesterday I should have left the flat, I really should have, but I didn’t – I physically could not. And after that comes crashing guilt the next day, more pressure like I feel right now. Right this moment which pushed me to write because I knew my tears were coming to blind me. What do the tears do anyways? They fall, but am I getting any relief at all from their falling? Probably not at all, or maybe?

Why can’t I exit this flat? Why can’t I exit? I have given myself several excuses and leeways, like waiting until it is dark. Now it is dark although it is only 4pm in the evening and yet still my body, dressed nicely to mask the anxiety and depression I am tormented inside with, I can’t seems to leave.

I wish there was a hotline to call your friends or someone nearby to say just “please come and help me leave my flat” I really need your support now. I just need someone to come and help me make the step to exit.

I can’t, the tears are now smudging my beautifully masked face – I think I’ve been defeated.

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Happy Birthday

Dear me, I want to wish you a great day. A really, really, really great day. You have packed it with things to do and I hope that at each of those moments you remember how incredibly resilient, courageous, generous, and genuine you have been on your journey. You have also reflected and reflect on your shortcomings and for that I honor you too.

You keep coming a long way from long ways in your journey.

Happy Birthday, even if it is still all too new.

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2 months & 17 days

People are flakes. Like flakes that just don’t stick. Correction, SOME people are flakes, and those are the ones I want to avoid orbiting around and them around me too. But this s not what I am writing about as a topic. I am here just to write because I have not really let my thoughts in writing here in a while and it’s all overdue.

The past month was eventful. When is my life NOT eventful really? I guess living in Ghana was such a quite time in life that I really in that moment did not realize how hectic the outside aka “western” world really is. It is a hassle to be in this sort of fast paste grind. Too fast, too heartless, too self-absorbed, too judgmental, with too many choices, everything is replaceable, and everything is replaceable too. That’s what it feels like at least. Anyway, I lost my train of thought from too many pauses in the day so this post after all ends at that. Already a little over two months (with an escape) back in Berlin. Life is a journey.

 

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Made it

I made it. I finally did. This journey as many in my life has not been in the making for one day or even month. Usually these have taken years. For this precise one, with this mindset of (still fear and anticipation) being able to be here actually, back here to be precise – well this has taken about 6 years. I am now again living in Berlin. Shredded are the letters in which I said I can not return because of heartbreak and the constant reminders of it as the past still flourishes here in it’s own future. I am back.

In the past two weeks I have gotten my Anmeldung. Moved into temporary/long-term housing, walked the streets & felt the senses of my past, have gone out to 1 dance party (a huge one for me), am cooking at my own place, look forward to my boyfriend visiting me again, and today got a mini-babysitting job. I will also add, diverted a friend-breakup, and generally coping better with anxiety. I am proud of my small and BIG triumphs of my small life.

 

 

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single digits days to go…

In 9 days I am off on a very long journey to fortress Europe yet again. I have actually been going there nearly every year since 2011. That’s a long time. I’m a bit anxious now anticipating some last days of work, the longest having been today.

During my 15 hour work day shift today¬† I realized, that I actually thought that I would spend my mid 20’s dancing and prancing about life. Instead it did not really turn out that way at all. I thought dating a DJ was going to be an endless way of partying and my dancing loving self would be on a high from spontaneous dance parties that were a brief commodity of my life. That didn’t go as planned. One day I was given an apartment of my “dreams” the next few days I was told to get out because I was no longer wanted…liked, missed, was too thin and attractive because after all another desirable woman was already lined up and I was taking up unwelcomed space. That’s how that went. Alles hatt grade nicht geklappt.

I am anxious going back to Berlin. And especially in the winter time. The time I knew to have broken my heart and much of precious innocence. Yet, I also feel that the piecing together I have been doing in the past 6 years of myself, in spite of everything happening in my life has not been too shabby. Life is a “mig” (my Russian influence) and well I think I’m coping better with letting go and letting myself be. My own way.

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A wondering sheep indeed

Oh man. Life. What a life it has been indeed. I have lived with depression for the good part of my adult life now and I have been a true survivor really. Environmental, relationship based, and societal based triggers have been a great cause of these depressions. Family, society, changes, falls and rises in my life have been the culprits.

That’s not really what I want to write about tho’. I’m happy. I’m angry at times and maybe sad for myself at even more times – thought not really deeply. Mostly thought I am grateful and happy. I have had interesting and deep experiences in life. They have been rough – imagine that being said with a West African accent – hahha. Rooooouuuuuuf o. But nonetheless beautiful o too. Like one day I will talk about that Peace Corps life – the institutional education that I got in white supremacy and unchecked and baseless white privilege breeding ground.¬† On day o. And that baptism in the double consciousness that lead to. One day o.

Until that day thou gratitude rules and those thoughts will continue to brew. Today and tomorrow.

Axe,

I love me. When I do that I love further.

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