single digits days to go…

In 9 days I am off on a very long journey to fortress Europe yet again. I have actually been going there nearly every year since 2011. That’s a long time. I’m a bit anxious now anticipating some last days of work, the longest having been today.

During my 15 hour work day shift today  I realized, that I actually thought that I would spend my mid 20’s dancing and prancing about life. Instead it did not really turn out that way at all. I thought dating a DJ was going to be an endless way of partying and my dancing loving self would be on a high from spontaneous dance parties that were a brief commodity of my life. That didn’t go as planned. One day I was given an apartment of my “dreams” the next few days I was told to get out because I was no longer wanted…liked, missed, was too thin and attractive because after all another desirable woman was already lined up and I was taking up unwelcomed space. That’s how that went. Alles hatt grade nicht geklappt.

I am anxious going back to Berlin. And especially in the winter time. The time I knew to have broken my heart and much of precious innocence. Yet, I also feel that the piecing together I have been doing in the past 6 years of myself, in spite of everything happening in my life has not been too shabby. Life is a “mig” (my Russian influence) and well I think I’m coping better with letting go and letting myself be. My own way.

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A wondering sheep indeed

Oh man. Life. What a life it has been indeed. I have lived with depression for the good part of my adult life now and I have been a true survivor really. Environmental, relationship based, and societal based triggers have been a great cause of these depressions. Family, society, changes, falls and rises in my life have been the culprits.

That’s not really what I want to write about tho’. I’m happy. I’m angry at times and maybe sad for myself at even more times – thought not really deeply. Mostly thought I am grateful and happy. I have had interesting and deep experiences in life. They have been rough – imagine that being said with a West African accent – hahha. Rooooouuuuuuf o. But nonetheless beautiful o too. Like one day I will talk about that Peace Corps life – the institutional education that I got in white supremacy and unchecked and baseless white privilege breeding ground.  On day o. And that baptism in the double consciousness that lead to. One day o.

Until that day thou gratitude rules and those thoughts will continue to brew. Today and tomorrow.

Axe,

I love me. When I do that I love further.

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Random relief

Breath baby girl. Breath, in and then let it all out. Yes, out and then a little bit all will come in too.

I really have to let it go. Really. Like for real for real for real for real for real realz! Phew. It always feels so much better just letting the thoughts roll onto my writing. Letting go. Letting it go.

“So ask myself do I let you go or I keep you in the frame of my mind.” ~ Jorja

This world is tiny as FUCK! I know people there and then they know each other from here and meet in place X.

Teddy Pendergrass also said it damn well right! “You can’t hide from yourself” DAMN RIGHT

You can’t hide from yourself no-matter where you go, you will always look at yourself!

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I’m Back

Though really I have written just in different places and spaces. Just went browsing down below to read my previous posts. It’s been a while. Like nearly 4 years while. In that time I have written in other spaces, the most prolonged one being my Peace Corps journals which have now vanished. Gratitude (with sarcasm and a sense of wanting to beat someone up) is given to the forces and circumstances which have led to their loss. Last August en route from Ghana to Berlin. I’m sure the customs at Tegel has enjoyed my private thoughts…fick dich (whoever) for enjoying them. Anyways, no need to get too much into that mood.

I haven’t written in ages online really. I think I’ve written a post not too long ago maybe in November of 2016 on one of my older blogs, but honestly I doubt I’ll go back to that site again. It carries too much of the past. Though my memory might not be too good, and this I do not say lightly, it truly is troubling when I’m exceptionally honest with myself, the point to which I recognize how short my memory is on things – it’s well alarming. Probably something I should look into checking while I have my health insurance before this new American regime continues it’s extermination and terrorization of my Brown existance. It’s the era of resistance. Anyways, it feels good to write actually. It really does.

Also while browsing through some emails an inspiration came to mind. I want to find a creative way to share and explore for myself my 1 year and 9 months in West Africa. A tumultuous experience really which ended in a way of being tossed away…. Perhaps a photo exhibition – with music….Ein Fotoausstellung…..something like that? Yeah? Yeah? I think I should do that….

Art and creativity heal after all, don’t they?

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Brand new Day

“Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart. ”  —Native American Proverb

Last couple of days have been not easy. At all. Usually this happens a week before my period kicks in. An emotional prelude engulfs me. This time though this is not the case. I know why I am feeling this way now. The meditation really digs in and everything around just becomes that much more intense.

I embody the notion that 20’s are a time of profound self-exploration. I hope many chose to do this in their lives and not waste this precious period in their lives. I am a living proof of that. I have never been shy of recognizing my uniqueness (but nor a stranger to forgetting it at times) in that I have always sought to figure out who is it that I am and what is it that I am born to do? My purpose and personal truth in other words. The biggest change over the years has been in that I have realized that there is not only one or the other: we are made to discover ourselves and also build ourselves into the beings we want to be and are. Many of the enlightened people in this world define these things differently. Recently Paulo Cuelho’s words on Personal Legends, World’s Biggest Lie, Soul of the World, and a reminder that “when you want something all of Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” have been reinforcing the many lessons I have been learning in my life’s journey and continue to learn. I finally got around to reading The Alchemist. It is my reading companion at the moment. Something tells me that this book will be re-read by me many more times after I finish the first round.

A relationship with yourself is the core for everything. The way we love ourselves will trickle into how we love others. I am a ferocious lover who gives shamelessly while exposing myself to being vulnerable. I believe in myself at the core, my soul believes in my true self. What a blessing. I watched Oprah’s interview with Tina Turner and Patti Labelle a while back and both of them said they have always believed in themselves in spite of many trials and tribulations. I am picking up my pieces of last year’s and this year’s event.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahr Dar, Ethiopia.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahir Dar, Ethiopia.

I do not indulge in other people’s sorrows nor do I need to use people in any way to uplift me. I hope to master the art of genuine forgiveness. I do though reach out when I need to feel the love and support. I did today. And the Universe also reached out to me too. From Germany and from America. A girl is blessed.

And it is officially November 20th. Another day live, how can I not be grateful?

I give gratitude in my “Gratitude Journal.” One of the best advice I can give you this year is to start jotting down someplace specific things you are grateful for. It is amazing for the Soul, Body, and Mind.

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Sat. Chit. Ananda. – Life in a Concious State

Yes I have to learn to sleep better. Well the night before I sort of got a bit overjoyed with dancing and watching my very cherished recorded shows. I succumb to watching very few hours of television which I have with years increasingly abandoned. I am ferociously selective about what I spend my time on watch. These days it is the OWN network, with Super Soul Sunday talks, and random but very enriching selections of shows. Conclusions from last night: I must take on dance lessons or rent a studio to simply go and dance occasionally, Ms. Patty Labelle is amazing and Black Girls and Women Rock. And most importantly I am beyond blessed to have been born a brown woman. Period. My exploration of self and femininity has been tremendously enriched by millions of daily events and happenings. I am infinitely blessed. Needless to say one thing led to another and I stayed up way too long and did not get proper sleep. Yet it was all worth it.

Then dreams were strange too, but their strangeness no longer alarms me. I have a vivid imaginations to say the least. I think there was a robbery involved, potentially a scene from my last relationship and something else. The memory is already faded. I woke up twice, hit the alarm twice more and woke up 20 minutes in time for my bus ride to work. So I thought….of course the notoriously reliable bus has left 10 or so minutes before it’s scheduled time. My day began with a bump. I got a ride to the next bus and hopped on gladly. I cherish this moment of stillness and reflection that bus rides offer. Call me strange, but I find therapy in this.

On the bus ride, there was an intense moment of feeling life in a very conscious way going on when I was caught by a little girl looking at me. We smiled at each other and felt serene. My thoughts then took me to gratitude. I sincerely felt my powerfulness in being awake to what living means. Being in the present, free from the past, and un-expecting of the future. Of course I believe in striving to and having a goal for the future, but how it unveils should not be suffocated by our expectations. I felt all that and more and some tears just dripped for a moment. My consciousness and self felt intense sense of serenity, gratitude, and humbleness by everything around. The people on the bus, the views out of the windows, the going to work, the struggles, the optimism, the gift of life and my personal greatness. I am so powerful, not in a pompous way but in a way that should be utterly acknowledged first and foremost by myself. Work began with many bumps today but at the end of the day and as I am writing with the laptop in my laps way past my bedtime; I am still eternally grateful for everything.

I should sleep now. Meditation day 4 will usher me into sleep and in a few hours my first gig as an ESOL teacher.

 

Namaste.

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