Made it

I made it. I finally did. This journey as many in my life has not been in the making for one day or even month. Usually these have taken years. For this precise one, with this mindset of (still fear and anticipation) being able to be here actually, back here to be precise – well this has taken about 6 years. I am now again living in Berlin. Shredded are the letters in which I said I can not return because of heartbreak and the constant reminders of it as the past still flourishes here in it’s own future. I am back.

In the past two weeks I have gotten my Anmeldung. Moved into temporary/long-term housing, walked the streets & felt the senses of my past, have gone out to 1 dance party (a huge one for me), am cooking at my own place, look forward to my boyfriend visiting me again, and today got a mini-babysitting job. I will also add, diverted a friend-breakup, and generally coping better with anxiety. I am proud of my small and BIG triumphs of my small life.

 

 

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single digits days to go…

In 9 days I am off on a very long journey to fortress Europe yet again. I have actually been going there nearly every year since 2011. That’s a long time. I’m a bit anxious now anticipating some last days of work, the longest having been today.

During my 15 hour work day shift today¬† I realized, that I actually thought that I would spend my mid 20’s dancing and prancing about life. Instead it did not really turn out that way at all. I thought dating a DJ was going to be an endless way of partying and my dancing loving self would be on a high from spontaneous dance parties that were a brief commodity of my life. That didn’t go as planned. One day I was given an apartment of my “dreams” the next few days I was told to get out because I was no longer wanted…liked, missed, was too thin and attractive because after all another desirable woman was already lined up and I was taking up unwelcomed space. That’s how that went. Alles hatt grade nicht geklappt.

I am anxious going back to Berlin. And especially in the winter time. The time I knew to have broken my heart and much of precious innocence. Yet, I also feel that the piecing together I have been doing in the past 6 years of myself, in spite of everything happening in my life has not been too shabby. Life is a “mig” (my Russian influence) and well I think I’m coping better with letting go and letting myself be. My own way.

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A wondering sheep indeed

Oh man. Life. What a life it has been indeed. I have lived with depression for the good part of my adult life now and I have been a true survivor really. Environmental, relationship based, and societal based triggers have been a great cause of these depressions. Family, society, changes, falls and rises in my life have been the culprits.

That’s not really what I want to write about tho’. I’m happy. I’m angry at times and maybe sad for myself at even more times – thought not really deeply. Mostly thought I am grateful and happy. I have had interesting and deep experiences in life. They have been rough – imagine that being said with a West African accent – hahha. Rooooouuuuuuf o. But nonetheless beautiful o too. Like one day I will talk about that Peace Corps life – the institutional education that I got in white supremacy and unchecked and baseless white privilege breeding ground.¬† On day o. And that baptism in the double consciousness that lead to. One day o.

Until that day thou gratitude rules and those thoughts will continue to brew. Today and tomorrow.

Axe,

I love me. When I do that I love further.

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Gratitude in simplicity

At this very moment I am in deep gratitude. In the feeling of deep gratitude for the events of today, the connections with new and establishing friends, the work that I am given, the body that endures and flourishes, the sister that I adore. I was trying to find my journal to jot these things into, however it seemed to nowhere to be found and I didn’t want my thoughts to vanish – the intensity of the gratitude to be diminished to be exact. It can’t be anyway, but I did want to have it in writing as soon as possible. Thank you – I give gratitude to the energy, the force, the particles and molecules, the chemistries, natures behavior for this day. The 27th of August, the last days of this year’s “perceived summer timeline.” Being in gratitude is soothing. Amen – that is my prayer, not over-zealously and actually without the traces of a propaganda-ted religious path but rather a spiritual yearning to embrace the ordinary miracles of the day. I felt. I could feel, receive, cherish – I could feel.

I hope to sleep better today, as I have broke into the work mode after several off days in a row and anxiously returning to work this past early morning. I hope to fly in my dreams tonight, to soar and feel – emotions and sensations of positive vibrations. Beautiful. My voice is powerful, necessary, precious. I am an embodiment of my own joy. Amen. Amen. Amen.

Axe to the glory of the Universe. Blessed be the night.

I smile in closing.

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3 Weeks to Go

I have already shaved my head once more since that last post. I have also bought a laptop so now I can write better…more conveniently, well when I am moved and less lazy. Today, I colored the little bit of hair that was on my head. Marvelous. I think 2018 will continue to be a year of cut and color, I think. Why not? I am not as attached to the hair it seems; plus there are wigs.

In personal life. I am not a good partner…well I am good in knowing that I think as a partner I need to be alone. That’s hard to break down to someone who loves me and wants to “build” a life with and around me….I might not be the one to do it with though. In 23 days its move time again. Again and finally and at last and really? This one for good-good. No matter after that where I end up, it won’t be back here with the folks – that’s for sure.

This 2018 has been real with relationships…and I mean real-real brutal at times, but also really good. Letting go of those who literally do not want me in their lives. I respect that. As is it’s already a congested sort of existence with the interwebs like totally infringing upon each others lives, so instead of fighting what people want. More importantly also, it is about personal boundaries. I realize I have some of my own, just like the people rejecting me from their lives and well I respect our choices. Not everything is so dramatic though. We hurt people, we make them happy and we just all at the end of it all are learning to exist under one roof in this life. With that said I am 23 days from moving. Still a lot to do and a ton of work in between. It will be well, because it IS well all along.

 

 

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Who do I become?

I shaved my hair and it is growing back. Well it is still not what I expect it to be, but maybe something I will accept it. We shall see. In the meantime I am still in the wigs and headwraps zone when it comes to work. I’m glad I also have my clippers too as there is no telling as to when I will cut it all off again. This whole hair thing is actually my self acceptance journey on its own.

Today I watched an interview with Danai Gurira, who is amazing human being. If you didn’t know like myself until today, do yourself a favor and get to know her. She is a role model which I am adding to my list of people I need to know of in my life. She shared her story in the story and asked a question which she asked herself as she was forging her path. Who do I become? That right there has now been on my mind for a few hours. Who do I actually become in this life? My life. Taking it further, how do I take all the shit that has happened and apply it to only forge me forward and forge together what I am destined for along with the alignment of my inner particles of who I am?

This is what I am thinking of at the moment.

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Just talking

Today I possibly get to shave my hair off…again. I hope so.

I’m trying to add a countdown to my blog, so if anyone in the Universe knows how to do this for free without having to upgrade to “business account” on wordpress please do let me know. It was much simpler on blogger I recall.

In other news, looking for gigs ain’t easy. Being an independent freelancing Brands Ambassador has it’s perks…I work when I want and can, as in when I actually get a gig. The downside is the gutwrtetching sitting around waiting and constantly hunting for work. Competition is fierce out there I tell ya. And then the waiting for my money is also not the most thrilling thing in the world. I want my money NOW not 90 days later. Please and thank you. I need as many of these gigs as possible before my real “unemployed” days whilst I’m searching in Berlin will kick off.

Berlin. That place. Still looking for a flat, since everybody including their grandma and their dogs wants to live there we are still struggling to find a roof. There are deadlines. As I don’t want to live in a flat-share again with strangers…I’m not 23 anymore. So there are 90 days to find a new “home”, fingers crossed.

Deadlines. Visa appointment is in a few weeks. 23 days to be precise. I am not sweating it though. I mean I am but like really, what can a girl do? Gather her paperwork and apply…yes, that’s about it.

Anyways, the world is strange. Some people in it are absolutely disgusting. Power is a mindfuck. People should meditate for real to figure out their inner filth so that they don’t pass that stuff on to the rest…they don’t see it that way I must remind myself of this too. In conclusion. Therapy in any way shape and form one can get their hands on is a good activity. I have a virtual/group one later today.

#keepfamiliestogether #immigrationisnotacrime

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