3 Weeks to Go

I have already shaved my head once more since that last post. I have also bought a laptop so now I can write better…more conveniently, well when I am moved and less lazy. Today, I colored the little bit of hair that was on my head. Marvelous. I think 2018 will continue to be a year of cut and color, I think. Why not? I am not as attached to the hair it seems; plus there are wigs.

In personal life. I am not a good partner…well I am good in knowing that I think as a partner I need to be alone. That’s hard to break down to someone who loves me and wants to “build” a life with and around me….I might not be the one to do it with though. In 23 days its move time again. Again and finally and at last and really? This one for good-good. No matter after that where I end up, it won’t be back here with the folks – that’s for sure.

This 2018 has been real with relationships…and I mean real-real brutal at times, but also really good. Letting go of those who literally do not want me in their lives. I respect that. As is it’s already a congested sort of existence with the interwebs like totally infringing upon each others lives, so instead of fighting what people want. More importantly also, it is about personal boundaries. I realize I have some of my own, just like the people rejecting me from their lives and well I respect our choices. Not everything is so dramatic though. We hurt people, we make them happy and we just all at the end of it all are learning to exist under one roof in this life. With that said I am 23 days from moving. Still a lot to do and a ton of work in between. It will be well, because it IS well all along.

 

 

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Just talking

Today I possibly get to shave my hair off…again. I hope so.

I’m trying to add a countdown to my blog, so if anyone in the Universe knows how to do this for free without having to upgrade to “business account” on wordpress please do let me know. It was much simpler on blogger I recall.

In other news, looking for gigs ain’t easy. Being an independent freelancing Brands Ambassador has it’s perks…I work when I want and can, as in when I actually get a gig. The downside is the gutwrtetching sitting around waiting and constantly hunting for work. Competition is fierce out there I tell ya. And then the waiting for my money is also not the most thrilling thing in the world. I want my money NOW not 90 days later. Please and thank you. I need as many of these gigs as possible before my real “unemployed” days whilst I’m searching in Berlin will kick off.

Berlin. That place. Still looking for a flat, since everybody including their grandma and their dogs wants to live there we are still struggling to find a roof. There are deadlines. As I don’t want to live in a flat-share again with strangers…I’m not 23 anymore. So there are 90 days to find a new “home”, fingers crossed.

Deadlines. Visa appointment is in a few weeks. 23 days to be precise. I am not sweating it though. I mean I am but like really, what can a girl do? Gather her paperwork and apply…yes, that’s about it.

Anyways, the world is strange. Some people in it are absolutely disgusting. Power is a mindfuck. People should meditate for real to figure out their inner filth so that they don’t pass that stuff on to the rest…they don’t see it that way I must remind myself of this too. In conclusion. Therapy in any way shape and form one can get their hands on is a good activity. I have a virtual/group one later today.

#keepfamiliestogether #immigrationisnotacrime

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I thought of starting some new blog…but let’s continue here

I am lost. Not like totally lost, lost, but lost nevertheless. A theme of my life it seems, though I certainly am not getting nowhere younger. Just more solid around the edges I suppose. In a couple of months I have a flight…for a “new life” with a “partner” but that really is daunting actually. Because with the apartment search there is still no real “place” to move to, nor is it actually “new” because well yeah because again it’s again Berlin. Truth be told though…this is my last time to “live” there. I don’t summon that my life’s timeline is endless in these attempts and well at times one must accept one’s growth and keep it moving. My mega illusions,innocence, and blind trust have faded circa last summer anyways so now I’m more of a sober version of a recovering me. At last, that at least is good.

I cry. A lot. I cry a lot, and sometimes, daily. Well today I didn’t cry yet. Mental anxiety is a real foe I tell ya. It’s a real culprit and an
In a different life. In the one where I could have made the choice and had the inner strength to hold on to something I would marry myself with music. But my timeline is seemingly fading. Some freedoms are calling me to face that well…it’s not always magical after all. I thought I mutated into sorrow a version that I don’t know of me, some foreign object. But I understand now that I must honor me in all forms. And even in the one that has been affected and a result an ONGOING progress of a sum of everything. A whole whopping 30 years full of story lines.

Speaking of which an accumulation of my shit through this timeline has to be shed. Because well, if Berlin is not working out I still ain’t coming back to the folks house. We have also reached an end in my soul and parting ways is the healthiest for everyone to be honest. No animosity, nothing crippling at least but consequential of seeds you plant in relationships with your children do catch up with you. Because, well, they grow up and turn into “adults” someday. My adulthood has been knocking for 10+ years now and well, it certainly has settled itself in house already and I must let it all just soak in. But like on a 24 hours a day basis.

I’m shaving my hair btw. Amazon promises a Thursday delivery date. I’m taking the clippers to my head then in a few days it seems.

It was so hard. So, so, so hard. When I look at old pictures of me then in Ghana, especially with Kiska. I feel how hard it was. How do you ever go back to being “you” when “you” pushed your boundaries and “your known to yourself, self” to parts “you” knew nothing about? I mean I pushed and pushed, until I did’t know what was pushing and for what. So a year + a lifetime of post recovery is not surprising after all.

Aight ya’ll let me go live my life a bit.

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Yo

Where is life spear heading to? Like for real? The glossy Instagram photos of people I follow is sometimes overwhelming. I mean I am balancing overwhelming senses and controlled calmness each time I a looking at these IG statuses.

Last night I had an active dream of being lost inside a building while unable and being not helped by people to find a path to get over to the next building it was connected to in my dream. The passage way was nowhere to be found. When I woke up this morning I googled some interpretations of being lost in a dream were. The common thread is that they represent experiencing anxiety and feeling at a crossroads, or lost in life. Check mark right there for me indeed.

Gone are the good old days of my free spirit self. Anyways, I’m rusty and the weather is bipolar around these bits too.

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Random relief

Breath baby girl. Breath, in and then let it all out. Yes, out and then a little bit all will come in too.

I really have to let it go. Really. Like for real for real for real for real for real realz! Phew. It always feels so much better just letting the thoughts roll onto my writing. Letting go. Letting it go.

“So ask myself do I let you go or I keep you in the frame of my mind.” ~ Jorja

This world is tiny as FUCK! I know people there and then they know each other from here and meet in place X.

Teddy Pendergrass also said it damn well right! “You can’t hide from yourself” DAMN RIGHT

You can’t hide from yourself no-matter where you go, you will always look at yourself!

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When I met you I didn’t know I found my gem…

Almost three years ago we met on a beach. I was punished for being there. It was a coping space from which I found hard to leave because we met. I met him then and didn’t even know I had it in me to feel that way again while still being the same hurt person. Last summer, I almost lost him. Being stuck in illusions, overwhelmed with realities and stuck in the vortex of the past – I almost lost him. I pushed him away, I ran away, I broke our ways. Then something clicked. I lost my passport, dignity, time, money, phone and illusions of the past. Ghosts that I created and cherished for so long that finally upon seeing the real thing again, I couldn’t deny anymore and appease the coping sense of my mind’s creations that the truth was always there in front of me too. I was not wanted, was told of that frankly after being coddled in heaps of lies. I was hurt deeply. With scars I will carry to my grave or air, perhaps I will be cremated someday…who knows. Yet that too now passed. I am still standing and with love at that. Also, maturity knocked on my shoulders and frankly told me to stop being a wimp and a coward to even myself. Something clicked also when I unwaxed my ears from that sticky yet sweet layer of lies which I held on to so desperately. There was also a heep dash of illusions which were as equally sweet. But more importantly now, I finally heard him – the one who has been with me for the past almost 3 years. And I still hear him more loudly now thankfully too.

Change is not easy. Especially when you gradually or for your whole life wanted something so badly and seemingly find it hard to get to. But then there is also hope. And with hope and honest love I think there is something real to actually get to – a path not only made by being alone yet someone who sees the light in you which you have allowed to become dimmed for yourself to see anymore.

I’ve made grave mistakes. As a result some relations are gone or gravely severed. I am remorseful on my end for causing frictions and dissent. Also I am more accepting of change. Of time passing, of people changing and moving forward even without me in mind.

Ase to my truth, my love for you, and us.

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Not happy – confessions of the late 20’s

Yes, I have not been happy for a very long time. In a way that feels rather surreal even. The shift happened, I had acknowledged it a while back and now what? Well it becomes your reality. Depression. Yes, those are cyclical, also admittedly so. I’ve shied away from writing these thoughts also out of laziness too. Now I guess, I could pat myself on the back for finally doing it. Admitting these things a little bit more louder.

Yet again I find myself in Germany. For what? Love, escape, longing, search and assertion of privileges. I used to be so cool and feel that way too, where is that woman now? We change, things change, life changes.

I guess I am still somewhat cool, a little battered and emotionally dull and numb but somewhat and somehow still not all is lost. This is the last year of the 20s after all too.

 

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