Not happy – confessions of the late 20’s

Yes, I have not been happy for a very long time. In a way that feels rather surreal even. The shift happened, I had acknowledged it a while back and now what? Well it becomes your reality. Depression. Yes, those are cyclical, also admittedly so. I’ve shied away from writing these thoughts also out of laziness too. Now I guess, I could pat myself on the back for finally doing it. Admitting these things a little bit more louder.

Yet again I find myself in Germany. For what? Love, escape, longing, search and assertion of privileges. I used to be so cool and feel that way too, where is that woman now? We change, things change, life changes.

I guess I am still somewhat cool, a little battered and emotionally dull and numb but somewhat and somehow still not all is lost. This is the last year of the 20s after all too.

 

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Drowning while already drowned

Exhale. I have been wanting to write since my return now and couldn’t and didn’t while having used the excuse of having the laptop being repaired by my sister. She did and now I felt that excusing myself was a bit too much. Besides, I couldn’t sleep anymore. It’s jet lag I suppose.

My grandmother is dead. Both of my grandparents on father’s side now are deceased. I remember the craziness of February 4th when I woke up still in daze from my other slumber of having the feeling that I’ve drowned already from “failure” to imminently being told that she is not well. I meddled in booking the trip to see her and not wanting my father to be alone….it’s such a painful journey, then I finally faced the consequence of having to face an even slimmer bank account after an unexpected expense of purchasing the unplanned ticket for a flight coming up in a few hours….it was done.

The plane ride. I didn’t truthfully know what to feel. If I could feel even really. We got through it. Surreal. Then we arrived. Just like that, BAAM a different setting again. Warm weather, not bullshit of racist choking dogma, a country full of brown and black people again. Again….

It hit me that grandmother was already dead when riding in the car. Before that I was still naive in a way and unknowing of what was happening. Then I got it. It is utterly too late. She already passed away. Though we arrived on the most fastest flight possible, grandmother’s flesh was already empty and her soul and body warmth never to be witnessed by my father nor I again. Not here anymore at least. I remember vaguely not looking out of the car windows anymore during that ride, a feeling of not caring and knowing where I was going (I don’t know the city of Addis like that anyways) and just feeling that it was irrelevant anyways. Then we arrived. People, so many people who were crying and screaming. Then the wooden box. Grandma inside but I was unable to see her anymore as she was shut closed. The same room with the table holding her straight in the living room which I vowed and looked forward to visiting soon. How did I not recognize that 5 years almost passed since that promise was last made? What the fuck is the point question, crossed my mind again…at least began to pop up it’s seeds in my mind at that moment.

I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t go and touch the casket. It felt like a blur. I never touched grandma for the last time before she was whisked into the graveyard, a day later. I remember losing breath and nearly collapsing at the church site after the burial when the claustrophobia of so many people and and a hike to get to the church in the sun finally caught up with me. I had to kneel down, with stamina I gasped but did not faint. I was panicking. My aunt allowed me the space and I was able to get out of the crowd to sit down away from it. I remember sleeping later after that for some hours.

Grandmother is gone now.

 

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Own it

For a few hours now a thought of regret, but not like self badgering kind, has been brewing in my mind. Why did I call this guy today? It is quite useless to be honest to have called him. Literally he rejected me and then I fought my way to find out why. Because a. I am a very curious person. b. I am honest in my emotions and intentions (of course here I am ever always improving upon making them as authentic as possible), and c. I was literally fed completely different signals from what was about to smack the living shiz out of me upon being told I was being dumped. Those are just a few things…also I would have never really hurt someone intentionally or deliberately, or in such a calculated way as I was at that time hurt.

I transgress, those things do not matter to be honest. I have suppressed a lot of my intuition when I was in that person and I don’t ever want to do that again. Frankly, after crying for the past 8 months. Four of which have been utterly non stop until just two days ago…I think this is rather out of character for me. The person is alive, thriving in their choices (yes which included dumping me), and

 

I do not want to change my freedom for anything and anyone at the moment. I do not wish to be tied down by any “romantic” relationship especially anything that would make me suppress my true self. I am learning about myself and I love this journey. I am so grateful the break up happened, and today I even feel that the fact that it happened in such a harsh way was a blessing rather than a crippling misfortune for me as I have previously thought. Yes, still I do not think it had to be so cruel as it was, but whatever I am able to look past this and appreciate the lessons that are still pouring in. Today at 12:2am I would have to say that I do not want to have a skype conversation with him on Friday or anytime soon for that matter. I do not really see the need and maybe I will forever miss something about him, yet the fact that it is broken…the bond was broken and our time on earth is limited and that person knows this too shows a lot. I have learned so much about my character, the source of where my jealousy has been coming from and what I need from my partner to help me with in order to cope with these things that clearly this person was a lesson rather than a means to an end in terms of who my partner should be. Something like that. I think the sheer preoccupation with this heartbreak and the person has been a little bit too excessive to be honest. And reaching out, wanting to say something…why? I don’t see the value in it as much as I did before. Not sure…to be honest, so what? It happened I am taking amazing lessons from it all and I would say I don’t really need this person in my life anymore…wow. I did just say that. I saw a light in him that he doesn’t see, but if my light is not seen and considered not essential I accept and move on.

This really is powerful and therapeutic for me to be able to verbalize and rationalize. And I know I might have ups and downs about this but honestly this is a great sense of maturity on my end. Embracing myself the way I come out at each and every moment.

Today is not Friday yet, and frankly there is no need to be bothered with the future. The present is the key, and I want to experience each and every emotion I have at each moment and honor it all.

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My first tattoo will be: “Happiness is an unlimited resource.” I think I want to do it in the languages I speak, or maybe just a combination of foreign letters. Not sure yet.

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11 minutes

So I did it. I called my A* (I hat the term “ex” so I will use his first initial from now on) who is all the way in Lueneburg or Magdeburg right now. I didn’t quite probe into the details of his whereabouts, but it was clear he was at Weihnachtsmarkt! Oh German Christmas markets, how I miss you. The sheer aura of Christmas being all around you…I miss that. It is utterly different here in D.C. – well I just quickly googled and apparently there is a Downtown Holiday Market which started on November 29 and will end on December 23. Umm lame, well kind of lame because a Christmas market should be kept up all day long and inject a true spirit of the winter holidays. I personally have not seen this market yet and seemingly won’t because it ends tomorrow at 8pm and I have to work at 6:00 so no way of getting there before hand. I must go to work today too. Anyway, I also youtubed the videos put up on this market in D.C. and actually they are featuring some very cool vendors, so there you have it. In any case, I like the authentic German Christmas Markets – they are aesthetically more beautiful. The spirit of the holiday is so much stronger in Germany from my personal observation. Or maybe being a child of a diaspora with a very mixed up traditional core contributes to my assessment of it all as well. I am sure that can’t be discounted.

Yes. I called my him. Every time I talk to my friends about my relationship with him, which happens very rarely since I have reduced my communication let alone talking about him with anyone ever since I came back from Europe, something happens. All over again. Well the feelings are always there but I do get influenced by what my friends say sometimes. Long after that momentum of a conversation expires, the influential bug remains. Also being a hormonal lady that I can be, sometimes I do take chances. I did take one this morning. Since yesterday I also got one more reinforcement of my belief that life should be accepted as is – I decided that one should face the fear and go for it. I mean he could not pick up, being that he is in Europe and then I wouldn’t have to talk to him. But he did. First he picked up and I realized he can’t hear me very well. He is so

Maybe I am like a little girl who is in love with a semi/big boy who is just a dream? Maybe when I was 24 I met my imperfect soulmate and he did not realize yet that I am his woman for life yet? Haha, maybe you should not take life so serious and nor yourself in it? It’s funny in a way, and I am smiling shyly now. Though in the past 4 months a ton of tears have been shed. I mean a TON! I smile now gently at myself, but there is something in meeting someone who influences you I guess. I was so shy when on the second attempt we finally could hear one another. Maybe this call will mean nothing to him as the day goes on, maybe it will tingle him a little bit in his heart ? I know for sure though that I know him in a way that I don’t think he even knows himself yet. Did I sound strange or “crazy” in that sentence? Maybe, but I don’t care! In fact I embrace what I feel and the way I think, period! After minor blah, blah, blah talk with awful communication signal, mainly because I don’t think he could hear me well – I summoned the courage to say “I miss you” and later on “we should skype next week”. He said “yes, sure when?”, and I responded in a hasty way because I didn’t know what else to say “let me look in my calendar…how about next Friday?” The response was “ok, I will shoot you an email for the time.” Something like that. It lasted all 11 minutes and 10 seconds. Sometimes being courageous and going with your gut feeling lasts that long. Embracing that moment in your daily life when you go for it.

I don’t think I want to be with him now, so I am not disillusioned by things like that. The break up helped me grow as a person in numerous ways. It is not possible to describe the real feelings that I have about this. My girlfriend whom I have been craving to see for such a long time now, and with whom I had a very difficult time reconnecting when I got back reached out in the morning to me yesterday. From then on, days that went with me actually missing all of my friends and being lonely as a result just like that were replenished. Yesterday, I got a chance not only to meet her, but also go to the city with another girlfriend of mine and facilitating a reunion of that girlfriend with my sister as well. So all in all, life is just awesome like that. You wish for something with good intentions and put out into the universe. Then you must be open to receive when it is given. I got my girlfriends and our candid and soulful talks, a wonderful time with my sister and friends in the city I like at times, as a result. Gratitude.

As with A* I will just in the same fashion take it day by day, moment by moment. Sadness and small joys as it comes. Life happens for a reason.

 

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Chill

The Russian Soul of an African & American me. I really think this is why I am able to empathize and have hunger for the world and it’s people. This is something I am convinced of I have in me.

Peace Corps in many ways I think you are calling me more than I thought I was ready for when I began to pursue you again back in September. I am still fresh in the application process with an interview happening hopefully as early as January, but something tells me it was not all in vain and by an accident that I pressed the send button before I was ready to submit my application two months ago.

I crave to be believed in and supported to pursue something very big in my life. I need it. I ask the Universe to unveil that which is destined for me to grow with and from.

I have also conteplated for months now to just write the X. YES I KNOW THE CONVENTIONAL BULLSHIT stuff that you shouldn’t, yadda, yadda, yadda stuff. But I am me, and I am unafraid to live by my truth. Plus falling flat on my face has showed me that I am resilient, kind, generous, still loving and very much unique in my own ways. Plus yesterday it already made me feel much better after literally months of what felt like growing a mini ball of sadness even inside my body. Let him laugh, or just erase the messages. I am shamelessly unashamed and what the heck do I have to lose in being brave? Nothing. For when you bare it all you are prepared to be naked and that I mean by being naked in your soul. The other nakedness has already been shared.

Perhaps because “the point is to free yourself from what cost your heart even more…” and that is the love which was shared some distant days ago….

In the meantime I am banning myself from facebook for at least two days. Wow.

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A blind moment

I just hit a car. A neighbor’s car while parallel parking. Thanks to the universe though it really is only a scratch and the reaction from the owner was more than comforting. It’s deeper than the accident though, especially considering why it happened.

I always had a very vivid imagination. I knew it, even if I did not show it per se in terms of manifesting it into some sort of artistic product. I don’t know how to play any instruments. I think I can sing but I am in no way a singer by any means. I don’t really draw, though I enjoy it though. I do write though and think a lot. In my imagination I always think of one thing, then another, then third and stories are made, even if they are never told. I write. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes it is hard to express in words…or should I say quick enough to write everything down. Though even looking back at the start of this paragraph alone I can see I am lying even to myself. Too many “I don’ts here. Just last night I was driving in my car to work and had an out loud conversation with no one to listen to in German. I don’t speak German…scratch that. I do! I have recorded some dancing sessions of myself as I was moved by the music to express what my soul and mind were feeling at the moment. I am not trained in any type of dance, yet I have always danced – the music always moves me. I have recorded freestyle songs for only but myself just last months ago. I am artistic…whatever that means. I am creative I know this. Yet I transgress. The accident.

I hit the car. I did not even see it. Not for a moment did I see it. How could that be? Simple. I was in another world, consumed by the pain that I feel inside which in reality has never been dealt with to the point that it needs too. You can’t escape some things, no matter how much you try. Trust me. I declared to my mother that I am not surprised yet still affected each and every time I do not hear a positive thing of “Ok, well that plan sounds interesting, now hear me out on what I think?” I never outwardly lived the pain that I feel inside. The feeling that I am not good enough to be loved by my own parents. Just once to be told, “Look, you are very different from us…we see it, but we love you no matter what.” I don’t need money – I just need a hug. A sense that you love me enough to just say, “We don’t believe in this personally, but if you do then there must something you feel and we love you enough to think it is not a crazy thought.” I am asking for a lot? I forgave the abuse…yes it was a torturous abuse that I did not deserve by any means. No one can justify it, because I was not raised in the same environment they were therefore to me I can only describe it as “abuse”, not cultural norm.  No child in any culture deserves that. Yet I am grateful to the clarity to accept this and not be forever crippled by all of the surreal cruelty towards me during my childhood. I feel for that little girl though still. She is still in me. She is often confused but stays very silent about it all. I did not chose to be a child of a diaspora. I did not chose to be affected in all the ways that I was and become who I am now fully. I did not chose to be so colorfully creative in my thoughts. Or did I? Do I? I think I am doing much better this time around. Shit. Last time I was hit with this situation of uncovering the wounds I fell into the big D. Yes, I came out of it. What seemed like alone. But I did. I won’t go down that path again. It was a very dark, hopeless, consuming and exhausting path of self disintegration. If I did not vow before, I vow now to never go down that path again. Never. I will cry it all out, make a full of myself talking and writing about my struggles, but never go down that path again. It was an awful place to be.  I better write about this then feel anger or self pity. That is the medicine; to still think and bring it out rather than let it rot inside.

I am proud of me really. Even if I accept that I myself am a bit weird. I just need a hug. I just need my mother’s hug.

So yes, hi my name is________ and I have mommy issues.

Anyways more is cried out than can be written.

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