Girl Interrupted

Sigh. My daily streak of yoga came to a pause yesterday. Already the day before I lagged and did a session right before leaving in the evening only and not as part of the morning routine. Before I left to Cologne I even managed to go for runs, but since back a few days ago, well not really. After making a fool out of myself on Monday with a very public presentation, I went on a bit of a downhill. Reasons: stress, pre-menstrual days, anxiety, anticipation of changes, and of course the break up.

That horrid word at the end which I didn’t really want to utter (I still don’t really out loud) has been having a toll on me. I also see a definite correlation between the pre-menstrual days on my mental health something I really am curious to address with my gyno during a future visit. Also the stress hormones that I have just feel like they replicate at an astounding rate causing my brain to swell and come to a standstill only to be filled with an excruciating amount of gloominess. Part lingering depression part environmental factors my life at this moment doesn’t feel like it’s feeling faring well. Something I have to learn to cope with that’s for sure.  On a total side-note, I was so happy last week at the Ethio restaurant with my friends, the sheer joy and laughter that I was uttering then was so pure. I loved my life and myself in that moment. This is something I want to have on the record for a memory in case I re-read this later. As personal proof that I do still experience real joy which stems from my inner sides.

Anyways, I am accepting that the person I am today is a result of all of the experiences – some very painful ones and long-lasting ones are all part of my journey. And that journey still continues on.

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Things change faster than you can imagine

I just came back to Berlin from a family visit in Frankfurt. It was so different there. I saw people that literally looked like me on the streets, doing jobs that are common, being care free, raising children, living their immigrant and first generation lives – it was much different than here in Berlin. It felt the stares were less – it felt, and I know how to feel that when it is from “the stares” that you get those kinds of feelings. This was a needed thing for my soul. Of course upon return I dove straight into my mini-gig job yesterday. I’m glad today is off day, I’m not up for that everyday.

I already woke up so early in the day today. It is like this here. And I thought that when I wake up then the news I heard yesterday from my best friend might vanish. Sometimes, when I sleep here in this flat some things feel “surreal”, like “am I really here…having worked my ass off to only come here to feel depressed?.” At least this time I know I will be just fine not returning for a while once I leave though, so that’s fine. But that’s not the point either. The point is the father of my closest friend is now dead. A sudden death on Saturday from what I understood. I was speechless when I read the sms with this news. We had just spent last Thursday literally dancing around his kitchen and making plans for the coming weeks of my stay in Berlin after celebrating our win over me getting paid from a little job I did last month when the owner was trying to evade payment. He always is around to lift me up and without Simon really here in Berlin I would have already rotted away emotionally, mentally and physically. It has been a blessing that he exits.

How do you support a friend who has lost his father? Simon is now in his hometown where he said he will be for some time with his family. I wish I could offer him support…any advice on how is much appreciated. I always wondered if people who read my blog would comment too, and at this time it would be very much appreciated.

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Committment

I spent some minutes of the last hour obsessing about the past. A little digital stalking, and then real life questioning “Why did I have to get hurt?” was a culminating question which I uttered in a self-pity moment. Well, the snap out of that was rather sweet. I don’t really feel like knowing the answer whilest it will never make sense to me anyways. On some level I think I did dodge a HUGE bullet in life and that is a good rationale for the past – for the moment. This moment also has been roughly 7 years in the making. “Seven good years” as KK would have said in his Ghanaian English.

Closing chapters is never an easy task. A sense of fear mixed in with anticipation of something new, which could actually surprise you and somehow knock you off your feet as well, is perhaps a point of gratitude. I am not really hanging on to the pain now, actively this has been a work in progress type of thing – to actively actually not only letting go, but also being grateful and understanding that letting go of people is a good thing. For everyone. Especially when you are being let go in the first place. But what I really want to talk about is moving on. After 10 years of connection to Germany I am letting it go, well I’m in the process of it all at the moment. I have decided to actually let it go. Since life is not a dress rehearsal I am gradually coming to an understanding that truthfully you can’t run away from that which haunts you and your biggest internal dreams at all.

Forgive. Believe, and Move Forward

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Does love trump everything….or you might have other needs at hand?

Something to think about that is….

Закончите ли вы отношениа с кемто кого вы любите если вам неподходит его семья? Я имею в виду если вы находите отмосферу с его семьёй гораздо таки холодной? Они не плохие люди но холодость тебе их характера вам не подходит? Я не выросла так что когото не воспринимают в семью с интересом и открытостью сердца. Я не очень близка с родителями но всётаки они очень добрые люди…да они очень открытые и добрые люди и всегда хорошо относились ко всеми людьми которых я пригрлашала в семью. Значит в нашу маленькую семью так сказать.


					
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Minor thoughts league

I’ve been itching to write and now getting to it. Now in other place than the coveted Berlin – I’m doing what Germans do at this time of the year. Spending time in a familial setting, though not my own and borrowed one for the time being it is nice. Though also unsettling at times. It’s vital to know your intentions – can’t really escape those when you are somewhat conscious I think…

Anyways, I’ll keep this post short but right now I am into the moon, astrology, and that kind of connective forces so I am trying to be as open as I can and honest with myself as possible.

 

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2 months & 17 days

People are flakes. Like flakes that just don’t stick. Correction, SOME people are flakes, and those are the ones I want to avoid orbiting around and them around me too. But this s not what I am writing about as a topic. I am here just to write because I have not really let my thoughts in writing here in a while and it’s all overdue.

The past month was eventful. When is my life NOT eventful really? I guess living in Ghana was such a quite time in life that I really in that moment did not realize how hectic the outside aka “western” world really is. It is a hassle to be in this sort of fast paste grind. Too fast, too heartless, too self-absorbed, too judgmental, with too many choices, everything is replaceable, and everything is replaceable too. That’s what it feels like at least. Anyway, I lost my train of thought from too many pauses in the day so this post after all ends at that. Already a little over two months (with an escape) back in Berlin. Life is a journey.

 

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Made it

I made it. I finally did. This journey as many in my life has not been in the making for one day or even month. Usually these have taken years. For this precise one, with this mindset of (still fear and anticipation) being able to be here actually, back here to be precise – well this has taken about 6 years. I am now again living in Berlin. Shredded are the letters in which I said I can not return because of heartbreak and the constant reminders of it as the past still flourishes here in it’s own future. I am back.

In the past two weeks I have gotten my Anmeldung. Moved into temporary/long-term housing, walked the streets & felt the senses of my past, have gone out to 1 dance party (a huge one for me), am cooking at my own place, look forward to my boyfriend visiting me again, and today got a mini-babysitting job. I will also add, diverted a friend-breakup, and generally coping better with anxiety. I am proud of my small and BIG triumphs of my small life.

 

 

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