*watching Sheeba sleep again in person is really a bliss
Two days ago,
I returned back to the “base”, at this point I feel like calling it this way realistically in my life. It was a long journey of two flights and a long car ride. On the second flight, I met a lovely Greek-American girl with whom I had a very heartwarming and lovely conversation exchange during the 6 hour flight. Elena is a beautiful soul. It was very heartwarming actually to bond with someone with such a genuine heart while returning to a country which broke my heart ever since I discovered for myself it’s racist nature.
On the flight I had a nightmare, again about one of my ex’s. The one that was the disastrous one the most. In the dream also was his mother…first time I dreamed of her. It was cleansing actually to have them appear and disappear. I am really on the highest mountain of recovery from that experience of my life.
In other news, the present split is not an easy one either. What a journey that has also been really? 4 years long-distance, dream-stance, real-stance and finish line. I remember consciously thinking “you are can’t be with someone out of fear of being alone, that is not loving them” – among other thoughts and emotions, I have finally decided to let go of that connection also in my life. I have deep love for the person in my life, a different kind *flying over Iceland en route to “home”
than what they want from me. What a blessing that he entered my life and gave me so much love – my dearly beloved Johannes – my heart and soul will always cherish your presence. Tearing up now, especially while listening to Hailu Mergia’s glory.
Man, this time in Berlin was….wow. Kicked my ass really. Debilitating depression creeped up on me again. Old wounds opened up and closed up. New strength resurfaced. Wow. It really was an adventure and growth time. An awakening of sorts.
Of course I have fears still in life. Sometimes I am very afraid. But to be honest, I don’t know I feel also hope of some sort. I am really growing up and that I can’t deny. I might not have emancipated myself to the point where I feel “yes, I’ve personally made it” but to be honest after being a survivor – I actually have. A few years ago I didn’t have the will to live actually – and well there were some actions taken towards that – but I am still here. This is something I have minimized in life’s experience actually, especially after some professional and love blows that experienced afterwards.
After I die please play all these wondrous songs for me and take my ashes back to that home. I often think and feel that music, and dance are something that I am connected to however the real tangible “skills” of producing or playing it I don’t possess. My childhood was volatile, the time when these things could have been obtained…well everyone has a story. I have nonetheless been blessed to attend amazing concerts and my body has felt deep vibrations from musical sounds in this lifetime so I am blessed in spite of any perceived “limitations.”
Sorry. I apologize for leaving the flat not as you have liked.
*this was on my way in Friedrichshain, the last night in Berlin a few days ago