Always Breathing & Getting Up

So, here I am. Always in my thoughts. It is a good thing really. I finished summer camps. They were hard. There was aggression, there was overcoming fears, there was joy. I am proud overall of how well I did. I am an entertainer and a survivor all at the same time I guess.

I miss family. I think sometimes I did not make, or rather not always make the right decisions. But I am doing things. I am always moving. Even when my depression keeps me trapped inside my body, sometimes in bed or even when I am out of it. I forgive myself. Past is past. It doesn’t change, it really is as is. That’s something I am reminded of.

Just had a mini crying session thinking about the past and reflecting on the present. That’s good. I think I hold these things inside a bit sometimes. Being in Berlin also always brings these emotions too. I used to see this place as a limitless ocean of my possibilities. Over the years though this thought dried out, I think now I am at the most end of it all.

I will get up now. I always did and will continue to do.

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Back at it again

Well I am back in Berlin. After a couple of months away from this city and Germany in general I find myself back. Partially, because back in April I bought the ticket already and more importantly because I am offered a summer camp job to teach English to teenagers. That I arranged back while being here last fall through early spring. A job, finally in Germany. I think after 8 years of having a connection to this place, I finally have a job yet no less anxiety. Anxiety is a thing that I carry with me everyday in my life. By now I have accepted it and live with it not in a fight but rather in a triumph of overcoming its crippling paws and releasing myself to happiness. Coping really, while still living a fulfilling and joyful life. That’s what I want at least, and so my journey requires me to not plunder into depression but rather living in spite of it’s sudden comebacks. I fight back in joy.

I realized on the plane here just how exhausting the last months have really been. I have been really working a lot a lot. I was so tired on the plane that i kept falling asleep with an exhaustive feeling. I arrived in Berlin and time/life moved on faster than I could have anticipated it to go. Familiar places, faces, spaces, feelings. My period came on the plane so hormones are in bloom season. Today I slept for the fist time in months until 11am in the morning. Monumental. I am thinking of going to Wiesbaden tomorrow…still thinking about it. Life is a fast paste bitch in a way, well I should not insult her like that. It’s just that my coping mechanisms sometimes feel like they need tune up. Whose don’t though? I suppose we are all trying in one way or another.

I just wanted to write. To see me write my words and thoughts. This feels good. Apparently, I have been on wordpress for the past 10 years…wow. I guess that’s interesting. I guess I am getting older, wise, sweeter. More beautiful. More into who I am supposed to be. 8 years though? That’s a whole lot of time…eeek. Acceptance.

I have slight fear of being alone, but also optimism of the possibility of love. I think I would be better at it the next time around. I have more confidence than fear, somehow. I think I believe this. Either way I am happy that I have had experienced a range of experiences and emotions in that category. So really, it’s all not that bad. In fact life is great.

I will go to sleep now. It’s a good place to call it a day. Although, I will still browse to see some flight tickets for tomorrow.

I love my life, my choices and the people in my life’s journey. I am also very loved. That’s a great feeling to know that I actually have the pleasure of experiencing.

Xoxo to me

 

 

 

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Catching up with Myself

I miss blogging. I mean writing in general. For a few days now I have actually felt this feeling more strongly. I miss writing. The timing is just a bit crammed and seems like not enough of it sadly. Money-making activity now dominates the usage of time.

As an update, my trip to Peru was one of the most memorable and empowering ones in the past maybe even 8 years. I am blessed to have had done it. Both mentally and physically. Bucket list of being able to do a solo-trip can be checked. Though in reality I have no “bucket lists”, these kinds of concepts are not my fore. The trip reminded me of how great I actually am. How open, resilient, warm, adventurous and great of a person I strive to be. And that I do love and love greatly.

Lessons – I am PROUD OF MYSELF!

Fun facts for this week so far: I received a free cupcake on the street, yesterday I found a $20 dollar bill it’s still Friday so maybe some other “awesome things happening unexpectedly” will still pop up in my life this week.

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Thoughts

I came to write here, well because I like this way of relief. Writing. And then I stumbled upon my writings on my blog from some years ago. If anyone is reading my journal/blog here go ahead and re-read a blast from the past titledI myself and…. from

Moving along. I’ve had a good day with my mother today. This is a rarity in our lives. Alas, today is going to be counted as a good day. I also did my nails today. They look fabulous. FABULOUS!

V itoge: I burned some and I gained some. End of the story 🙂

P.S. my dear journal, I have really missed you.

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Back

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*watching Sheeba sleep again in person is really a bliss

 

Two days ago, 

I returned back to the “base”, at this point I feel like calling it this way realistically in my life. It was a long journey of two flights and a long car ride. On the second flight, I met a lovely Greek-American girl with whom I had a very heartwarming and lovely conversation exchange during the 6 hour flight. Elena is a beautiful soul. It was very heartwarming actually to bond with someone with such a genuine heart while returning to a country which broke my heart ever since I discovered for myself it’s racist nature.

On the flight I had a nightmare, again about one of my ex’s. The one that was the disastrous one the most. In the dream also was his mother…first time I dreamed of her. It was cleansing actually to have them appear and disappear. I am really on the highest mountain of recovery from that experience of my life.

In other news, the present split is not an easy one either. What a journey that has also been really? 4 years long-distance, dream-stance, real-stance and finish line. I remember consciously thinking “you are can’t be with someone out of fear of being alone, that is not loving them” – among other thoughts and emotions, I have finally decided to let go of that connection also in my life. I have deep love for the person in my life, a different kind IMG_3065*flying over Iceland en route to “home”

than what they want from me. What a blessing that he entered my life and gave me so much love – my dearly beloved Johannes – my heart and soul will always cherish your presence. Tearing up now, especially while listening to Hailu Mergia’s glory

Man, this time in Berlin was….wow. Kicked my ass really. Debilitating depression creeped up on me again. Old wounds opened up and closed up. New strength resurfaced. Wow. It really was an adventure and growth time. An awakening of sorts.

Of course I have fears still in life. Sometimes I am very afraid. But to be honest, I don’t know I feel also hope of some sort. I am really growing up and that I can’t deny. I might not have emancipated myself to the point where I feel “yes, I’ve personally made it” but to be honest after being a survivor – I actually have. A few years ago I didn’t have the will to live actually – and well there were some actions taken towards that – but I am still here. This is something I have minimized in life’s experience actually, especially after some professional and love blows that experienced afterwards.

After I die please play all these wondrous songs for me and take my ashes back to that home. I often think and feel that music, and dance are something that I am connected to however the real tangible “skills” of producing or playing it I don’t possess. My childhood was volatile, the time when these things could have been obtained…well everyone has a story. I have nonetheless been blessed to attend amazing concerts and my body has felt deep vibrations from musical sounds in this lifetime so I am blessed in spite of any perceived “limitations.”

Sorry. I apologize for leaving the flat not as you have liked.

 

IMG_3058*this was on my way in Friedrichshain, the last night in Berlin a few days ago

 

 

 

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Girl Interrupted

Sigh. My daily streak of yoga came to a pause yesterday. Already the day before I lagged and did a session right before leaving in the evening only and not as part of the morning routine. Before I left to Cologne I even managed to go for runs, but since back a few days ago, well not really. After making a fool out of myself on Monday with a very public presentation, I went on a bit of a downhill. Reasons: stress, pre-menstrual days, anxiety, anticipation of changes, and of course the break up.

That horrid word at the end which I didn’t really want to utter (I still don’t really out loud) has been having a toll on me. I also see a definite correlation between the pre-menstrual days on my mental health something I really am curious to address with my gyno during a future visit. Also the stress hormones that I have just feel like they replicate at an astounding rate causing my brain to swell and come to a standstill only to be filled with an excruciating amount of gloominess. Part lingering depression part environmental factors my life at this moment doesn’t feel like it’s feeling faring well. Something I have to learn to cope with that’s for sure.  On a total side-note, I was so happy last week at the Ethio restaurant with my friends, the sheer joy and laughter that I was uttering then was so pure. I loved my life and myself in that moment. This is something I want to have on the record for a memory in case I re-read this later. As personal proof that I do still experience real joy which stems from my inner sides.

Anyways, I am accepting that the person I am today is a result of all of the experiences – some very painful ones and long-lasting ones are all part of my journey. And that journey still continues on.

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Things change faster than you can imagine

I just came back to Berlin from a family visit in Frankfurt. It was so different there. I saw people that literally looked like me on the streets, doing jobs that are common, being care free, raising children, living their immigrant and first generation lives – it was much different than here in Berlin. It felt the stares were less – it felt, and I know how to feel that when it is from “the stares” that you get those kinds of feelings. This was a needed thing for my soul. Of course upon return I dove straight into my mini-gig job yesterday. I’m glad today is off day, I’m not up for that everyday.

I already woke up so early in the day today. It is like this here. And I thought that when I wake up then the news I heard yesterday from my best friend might vanish. Sometimes, when I sleep here in this flat some things feel “surreal”, like “am I really here…having worked my ass off to only come here to feel depressed?.” At least this time I know I will be just fine not returning for a while once I leave though, so that’s fine. But that’s not the point either. The point is the father of my closest friend is now dead. A sudden death on Saturday from what I understood. I was speechless when I read the sms with this news. We had just spent last Thursday literally dancing around his kitchen and making plans for the coming weeks of my stay in Berlin after celebrating our win over me getting paid from a little job I did last month when the owner was trying to evade payment. He always is around to lift me up and without Simon really here in Berlin I would have already rotted away emotionally, mentally and physically. It has been a blessing that he exits.

How do you support a friend who has lost his father? Simon is now in his hometown where he said he will be for some time with his family. I wish I could offer him support…any advice on how is much appreciated. I always wondered if people who read my blog would comment too, and at this time it would be very much appreciated.

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