Going there…

Yesterday I wrote about how I am just numb, and have been rather on the numbness train for a while now. It comes in waves, it came in big swoops a few years ago, now it’s better. I mean, more importantly than saying this out loud (or typing and sharing about this numbness) I am happy to actually feel better about admitting it is a path to empowerment and healing and shows reflection. Yep

Also I am realizing more and more, and more with progression of my time on this planet, through my lived experiences that Racism is strong, vile and it’s crippling. Yes, it’ crippling.  I mean really crippling. Compounded by learning more and more about how it actually affects you too is rather uneasy – that’s lightly said.

The existance thus of the Brown and Black body in this type of environment is truthfully a form of resilience and out most power! Yes, power, the kind of power that this racist world doesn’t want you to overcome.

Some thoughts.

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Drowning while already drowned

Exhale. I have been wanting to write since my return now and couldn’t and didn’t while having used the excuse of having the laptop being repaired by my sister. She did and now I felt that excusing myself was a bit too much. Besides, I couldn’t sleep anymore. It’s jet lag I suppose.

My grandmother is dead. Both of my grandparents on father’s side now are deceased. I remember the craziness of February 4th when I woke up still in daze from my other slumber of having the feeling that I’ve drowned already from “failure” to imminently being told that she is not well. I meddled in booking the trip to see her and not wanting my father to be alone….it’s such a painful journey, then I finally faced the consequence of having to face an even slimmer bank account after an unexpected expense of purchasing the unplanned ticket for a flight coming up in a few hours….it was done.

The plane ride. I didn’t truthfully know what to feel. If I could feel even really. We got through it. Surreal. Then we arrived. Just like that, BAAM a different setting again. Warm weather, not bullshit of racist choking dogma, a country full of brown and black people again. Again….

It hit me that grandmother was already dead when riding in the car. Before that I was still naive in a way and unknowing of what was happening. Then I got it. It is utterly too late. She already passed away. Though we arrived on the most fastest flight possible, grandmother’s flesh was already empty and her soul and body warmth never to be witnessed by my father nor I again. Not here anymore at least. I remember vaguely not looking out of the car windows anymore during that ride, a feeling of not caring and knowing where I was going (I don’t know the city of Addis like that anyways) and just feeling that it was irrelevant anyways. Then we arrived. People, so many people who were crying and screaming. Then the wooden box. Grandma inside but I was unable to see her anymore as she was shut closed. The same room with the table holding her straight in the living room which I vowed and looked forward to visiting soon. How did I not recognize that 5 years almost passed since that promise was last made? What the fuck is the point question, crossed my mind again…at least began to pop up it’s seeds in my mind at that moment.

I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t go and touch the casket. It felt like a blur. I never touched grandma for the last time before she was whisked into the graveyard, a day later. I remember losing breath and nearly collapsing at the church site after the burial when the claustrophobia of so many people and and a hike to get to the church in the sun finally caught up with me. I had to kneel down, with stamina I gasped but did not faint. I was panicking. My aunt allowed me the space and I was able to get out of the crowd to sit down away from it. I remember sleeping later after that for some hours.

Grandmother is gone now.

 

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I’m Back

Though really I have written just in different places and spaces. Just went browsing down below to read my previous posts. It’s been a while. Like nearly 4 years while. In that time I have written in other spaces, the most prolonged one being my Peace Corps journals which have now vanished. Gratitude (with sarcasm and a sense of wanting to beat someone up) is given to the forces and circumstances which have led to their loss. Last August en route from Ghana to Berlin. I’m sure the customs at Tegel has enjoyed my private thoughts…fick dich (whoever) for enjoying them. Anyways, no need to get too much into that mood.

I haven’t written in ages online really. I think I’ve written a post not too long ago maybe in November of 2016 on one of my older blogs, but honestly I doubt I’ll go back to that site again. It carries too much of the past. Though my memory might not be too good, and this I do not say lightly, it truly is troubling when I’m exceptionally honest with myself, the point to which I recognize how short my memory is on things – it’s well alarming. Probably something I should look into checking while I have my health insurance before this new American regime continues it’s extermination and terrorization of my Brown existance. It’s the era of resistance. Anyways, it feels good to write actually. It really does.

Also while browsing through some emails an inspiration came to mind. I want to find a creative way to share and explore for myself my 1 year and 9 months in West Africa. A tumultuous experience really which ended in a way of being tossed away…. Perhaps a photo exhibition – with music….Ein Fotoausstellung…..something like that? Yeah? Yeah? I think I should do that….

Art and creativity heal after all, don’t they?

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Chill

The Russian Soul of an African & American me. I really think this is why I am able to empathize and have hunger for the world and it’s people. This is something I am convinced of I have in me.

Peace Corps in many ways I think you are calling me more than I thought I was ready for when I began to pursue you again back in September. I am still fresh in the application process with an interview happening hopefully as early as January, but something tells me it was not all in vain and by an accident that I pressed the send button before I was ready to submit my application two months ago.

I crave to be believed in and supported to pursue something very big in my life. I need it. I ask the Universe to unveil that which is destined for me to grow with and from.

I have also conteplated for months now to just write the X. YES I KNOW THE CONVENTIONAL BULLSHIT stuff that you shouldn’t, yadda, yadda, yadda stuff. But I am me, and I am unafraid to live by my truth. Plus falling flat on my face has showed me that I am resilient, kind, generous, still loving and very much unique in my own ways. Plus yesterday it already made me feel much better after literally months of what felt like growing a mini ball of sadness even inside my body. Let him laugh, or just erase the messages. I am shamelessly unashamed and what the heck do I have to lose in being brave? Nothing. For when you bare it all you are prepared to be naked and that I mean by being naked in your soul. The other nakedness has already been shared.

Perhaps because “the point is to free yourself from what cost your heart even more…” and that is the love which was shared some distant days ago….

In the meantime I am banning myself from facebook for at least two days. Wow.

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….

It happened. I was at work and was harboring a feeling of wanting to run away. This happened last year a couple of months before I went to Europe. It happened again today. I think it is the growing anxiety of many things. The coming of end of the year 2013 which at some points in trying to describe it leaves me speechless. Like now…..no words to really describe it all.

Confused? No this is beyond confusion. I set out to do the meditations and one day at work wrote a note that at the end of it I want some kind of resolution to be reached in dealing with what happened in June. It is officially December 1 and the last day of the 21 day Meditation series. Shit. 

I don’t even recognize 100% the girl who looks at me back in the mirror. Seems even my “big chop” is being trumped by this uneasy, and maybe confusing feeling growing within me. How did I get to this point? How did I get myself emotionally to this point in my life? Should I freak out and panic? I think I have a little bit of that going on already anyways, just really trying to keep it all under some sort of control. I am turning 26 next week. I booked a trip to NYC, the first trip since being back from Europe also for next weekend. Can I handle it all? The list of outstanding things that I must do and am a little bit paralyzed to finalize seems to be crippling me down too. But no one makes me do these things. I am the pusher of it all. Yes, this is a freak out moment. I don’t know how else to describe it. 

Ok. I tried to take my mind off of things for a moment. It helped. I have a headache now. I don’t think the “how” and “why” questions help at all. I know the don’t. This is how things are that is all I must accept. It’s ok to have intense moments like these. I did not stop doing anything since being back from Europe. I just kept pressing the gas pedal on living. I think this all makes sense. It’s a heavy season with lot’s of baggage. It is all alright. I am alright. 

I love that I have writing to go to when it gets this heavy, because it has been even hard to write which is is my form of therapy to say the least. Deep breath in and a long one out. Life continues. I am still blessed and endlessly grateful. Fear, hurt, doubt and anything else that is not inspirational will not hold me down. Yet I am allowed to bow my head down at moments when they are proving to be hard. Resilience. 

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Random thoughts

This is it. Life does not stop, no wait it does but only when you are dead. At least the kind of life that we know IN any case, the point is this is the last day of the month. November 30. 

The holiday season has been proving to be quite heavy for me. I get it now. It’s ok, there is no self judgement in that. I’m healing and it might take a long time too and that is also ok. Self judgment is not part of my lifestyle…at least intentionally. It creeps up on me at times but I like to think that I tame that monster efficiently whenever I can. 

Last week I walked my talk. The hair did get chopped. The liberation of it all was indescribable as in literally I do not have the words to describe it. It was a feeling and IS a feeling that found a new tenancy within my soul, my whole being. My new tapered fro is my new love. My best friend left me a voicemail complimenting me that I look very “Purple Rainish” a.k.a. Prince like! Yes I will take that one. Overall the love on my hair has been very nice to hear, the support is very appreciated and cherished. Above all I think it is obvious also to people that it is not only about hair. It’s much deeper than that. It is for me. I did this for the little girl in me that grew up with tough self-thoughts and skewed self-image which was affected by her surroundings. I did it for my present self who is becoming into a woman. And I did it for my future self who will someday become a mother to children who will undoubtedly look up to me. In a nutshell something like that. Something like that while so much more. At the moment I do not want to see a single straight hair coming out of my head. Straighteners step away! There is something fascinating though in seeing your face more vividly sans hair in the way….this is a big bag to talk about. 

In the past couple of days I have been waking up with a mixed array of feelings. Mostly heavy once and throughout the day it has been roller coaster kind of situation. I think I am in mourning. For people and feelings of last year, this year…lifetime? Not sure it is hard to explain. I haven’t meditated yesterday and need to catch up. The challenge is going to be over in 2 days! Ughhh I’m going to miss it. Really. I’m glad my sister is recording the sessions so that  could revisit them over and over again. They are really deep and soul wrenching like really deep! Not so easy to handle but very helpful and rich as well. I guess that’s also life in a nutshell – sweet and sour, heavy and light!

I think I’m just learning to love myself. For real this time around. I thought I always did, yes I do in a way but there is a path to still undergo for real self-love and a compassionate relationship with myself. In all forms. I’ll go meditate now. Seizing the moment at it’s inception is always a good thing.  

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Life in the Now…the only way it happens

No this is not going to be sexy, yet unapollogitically real and what I am developing in myself to be the alpha of attraction. Though it might seem like just a case of a toe nail which fell out months ago and now regrew. In the summertime I think, if I recall correctly, towards the end of it I had to admit that one of my toenails, and I mean the entire nail, had to come out because it was decaying and simply hanging on for it’s life…well most likely death. It died a while ago and needed to come out. My inner ego felt so much shame and unsexiness from the thought of losing it and the thought of “will it ever grow back” kept me delaying from just putting the sucker out of misery and giving maybe a chance for a new nail to grow out. I did eventually when I came back to the States and just forgot about the nail for the most part and have come accustomed to the fact that yeah, I lost a toenail before the age of 30, so what?

Then today I found the old nail which I saved because pulling it out was a shocking experience at the time. Then I looked back and my foot and saw that the poor toe which has given me the sense of lost femininity after all, did not give up on me. In fact it grew out for itself a new toenail as I have seemingly missed to notice it’s resilience to live. I acknowledge it now. It may not look perfect and feminine nor sexy to some, but to me it is me and mine and I am proud for it’s resilience. I am happy to know that my body is able and showing me in it’s own way that it is here for me. And this toenail in particular showed me that I need to have pride and faith in my body because it is my temple and it is here for me. And yes, of course I thought to myself instantly that if the nail grew out then so obviously will my hair after my chop. And why the heck am I waiting so long to do it all. Is the stalling necessary really just like I stalled with acceptance that my toenail was decaying and long dead and had to be fully pulled out? Is this whole, only in NYC can a good hairstylist be found that could give me a BC that I will be satisfied with and I must wait till the fist week of December to go with this all are perfecty orchestrated excuses of stallment and fear? Because look my toe said I will live even when you were afraid of me not coming back to life and accepting my procrastination for taking action. Some moments throughout the day I feel that I am stalling with cutting my hair. For me yes, I admit openly the hair has been a struggle. The use of chemicals for years, which I chose to do was based not on healthy reasons but rather on deeply rooted and complex personal factors. Not a focus here nor now. But since we are on the ever so poignant “self-love-acceptance-freedom” topic, I will share that I don’t shave my legs now. Nor have I shaven my underarms for weeks and I love the hairiness. My hairiness! Yes, I am unapologetic about my self-love.

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Moments before I even sat down to write any of this I was browsing the net and doing my admin tasks for the day, when I experienced a suffocating moment of self-pity and sorrow. It just woosh and splashed over me. There was a trigger of course. Then I stopped and just observed my predicament in that moment. The pain was enormous. I traveled in time in the span of milliseconds to the “breakup” thoughts and it was horrid. But when I stopped to calm myself and simply comfort me; I realized that it was the ego that was hurt not me. I am more than fine. I am me and rejoicing. I honestly hope and wish for my ex to be happy and fulfilled from the break up, from tossing me away by rejecting my body and my soul. True story. Both those things were told to me to be reason for the breakup. Now it takes a lot of work to deal with this, but I would not change it for anything in the world. The experience is my journey and I am humbled by it all. I became more aware of life, my life, in gratitude of this moment I am still going with the sense of it all. It has been and is one of the most empowering moments of my young life thus far. I am truly on my terms planting the seeds of my character, values, and countless other things one needs in life. That moment then passed and a new one took over.

К чему же то я всё таки об этом мямлю вдруг? 

I got a call from my aunt and uncle from NYC who are here in D.C. area. What? That was completely random. And now after work I will go to see them and we will have a PJ sleepover at their hotel room to reconnect and I get to re-bond with my lovely little cousins whom I have not seen in years now. Life is precisely this. A collection of moments that need to be lived as they happen. Real time, now!

And through all of these moments I comfort myself. I ferociously appreciate all that I have, the love that I have received and keep receiving in life. I meditate. These random moments are life. Life that is happening right now, in this moment.

It’s more than a coincidence that the events of today already have been reinforcing the message and lessons of meditation I did this morning.

Resilient Me

In life, it is fairly certain that we will each experience difficult and challenging passages. Within each of these moments we are given a special seed of opportunity, a gift. Many times, this point of view can be difficult to embrace in the midst of what appears to be a setback. Today, we spend our time together opening our minds and hearts to the blessings that come to us in disguise.

In the stillness of meditation we begin to gently release ego thoughts connected with success and failure. We begin to trust the movement of life knowing that the universe has much grander plans for us than we could ever fathom. Each step along the path of life, regardless of the destination, is an exciting part of the adventure. The moments themselves are the gift, the journey itself, the rich reward.

Our centering thought for today is:

A gift resides in every moment.

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