Long title. But today I felt like actually coming through and sitting down to actually write. Write, write, to write, to say something to say my words out loud on the screen, this screen – our screen.
I feel better. This morning I dragged myself out of bed, feeling sorry for myself. Critical of myself and yet determined to change up my hair. So it is changed. Yet again. Like me. Like all of me that keeps changing and changing and coming up with more things to change. The 5 minute journal that my sister gifted me 3 years ago finally found it’s birth last night. I started to write there for the first time. My new journal for 2018. Will this year be better? I think so. Honestly. I don’t feel as “only numb” but thawed in many ways finally….eventually.
My hair is giving me life. I woke up this morning determined to change it yet again and now I did. And to think that 3+ years ago I thought I would just keep going with that “curly revival” and never touch it. Funny. My hair died when my innocence was being crushed yet again in Ghana 1 year ago actually. Or going on 2 actually already?Time….this thing of time which just drifts farther and farther away is a strange thing.
Last summer finally I began to grasp that time is a rapid thing. A thing that never stood still even when my ordinary days in Ghana felt like eternities in passing. One day had 48 hours it seemed. I was wrong. People moved on in other parts, broke down, found new things, made new people and prices went up and changed. As I had changed so did they…and the places that I knew too. Prices went up, Berlin boomed and continues to boom and kind of also push me away. Or I would say repelling actually…something like that.
I’m talking to him now as he called. Long-distance requires respect of time differences. And this post came to a holt and I only now realizing that it was 3 days ago when I first began to write it (yes it is now the 11th and I’m back to finish it). He called and then my writing stopped. When someone is talking to you, listen, give them your full attention or at least try.
So now it is Thursday, and I am going soon back to my old university for a job orientation. Albeit not the kind of job I thought I would be doing on that campus after spending thousands of dollars on my education there, but alas I am content! I just hope as I wrote in my journal this morning I won’t be too overwhelmed and too proud to work in the food industry after my education and “other” pursuits and failures. It’s all part of my journey, and as I wrote in my journal today I hope to respect it and the pace at which my life takes to get to my true independence. Which is my lifelong dream for myself. Humble.