Almost three years ago we met on a beach. I was punished for being there. It was a coping space from which I found hard to leave because we met. I met him then and didn’t even know I had it in me to feel that way again while still being the same hurt person. Last summer, I almost lost him. Being stuck in illusions, overwhelmed with realities and stuck in the vortex of the past – I almost lost him. I pushed him away, I ran away, I broke our ways. Then something clicked. I lost my passport, dignity, time, money, phone and illusions of the past. Ghosts that I created and cherished for so long that finally upon seeing the real thing again, I couldn’t deny anymore and appease the coping sense of my mind’s creations that the truth was always there in front of me too. I was not wanted, was told of that frankly after being coddled in heaps of lies. I was hurt deeply. With scars I will carry to my grave or air, perhaps I will be cremated someday…who knows. Yet that too now passed. I am still standing and with love at that. Also, maturity knocked on my shoulders and frankly told me to stop being a wimp and a coward to even myself. Something clicked also when I unwaxed my ears from that sticky yet sweet layer of lies which I held on to so desperately. There was also a heep dash of illusions which were as equally sweet. But more importantly now, I finally heard him – the one who has been with me for the past almost 3 years. And I still hear him more loudly now thankfully too.
Change is not easy. Especially when you gradually or for your whole life wanted something so badly and seemingly find it hard to get to. But then there is also hope. And with hope and honest love I think there is something real to actually get to – a path not only made by being alone yet someone who sees the light in you which you have allowed to become dimmed for yourself to see anymore.
I’ve made grave mistakes. As a result some relations are gone or gravely severed. I am remorseful on my end for causing frictions and dissent. Also I am more accepting of change. Of time passing, of people changing and moving forward even without me in mind.
Ase to my truth, my love for you, and us.