Going there…

Yesterday I wrote about how I am just numb, and have been rather on the numbness train for a while now. It comes in waves, it came in big swoops a few years ago, now it’s better. I mean, more importantly than saying this out loud (or typing and sharing about this numbness) I am happy to actually feel better about admitting it is a path to empowerment and healing and shows reflection. Yep

Also I am realizing more and more, and more with progression of my time on this planet, through my lived experiences that Racism is strong, vile and it’s crippling. Yes, it’ crippling.  I mean really crippling. Compounded by learning more and more about how it actually affects you too is rather uneasy – that’s lightly said.

The existance thus of the Brown and Black body in this type of environment is truthfully a form of resilience and out most power! Yes, power, the kind of power that this racist world doesn’t want you to overcome.

Some thoughts.

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Not happy – confessions of the late 20’s

Yes, I have not been happy for a very long time. In a way that feels rather surreal even. The shift happened, I had acknowledged it a while back and now what? Well it becomes your reality. Depression. Yes, those are cyclical, also admittedly so. I’ve shied away from writing these thoughts also out of laziness too. Now I guess, I could pat myself on the back for finally doing it. Admitting these things a little bit more louder.

Yet again I find myself in Germany. For what? Love, escape, longing, search and assertion of privileges. I used to be so cool and feel that way too, where is that woman now? We change, things change, life changes.

I guess I am still somewhat cool, a little battered and emotionally dull and numb but somewhat and somehow still not all is lost. This is the last year of the 20s after all too.

 

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Own it

For a few hours now a thought of regret, but not like self badgering kind, has been brewing in my mind. Why did I call this guy today? It is quite useless to be honest to have called him. Literally he rejected me and then I fought my way to find out why. Because a. I am a very curious person. b. I am honest in my emotions and intentions (of course here I am ever always improving upon making them as authentic as possible), and c. I was literally fed completely different signals from what was about to smack the living shiz out of me upon being told I was being dumped. Those are just a few things…also I would have never really hurt someone intentionally or deliberately, or in such a calculated way as I was at that time hurt.

I transgress, those things do not matter to be honest. I have suppressed a lot of my intuition when I was in that person and I don’t ever want to do that again. Frankly, after crying for the past 8 months. Four of which have been utterly non stop until just two days ago…I think this is rather out of character for me. The person is alive, thriving in their choices (yes which included dumping me), and

 

I do not want to change my freedom for anything and anyone at the moment. I do not wish to be tied down by any “romantic” relationship especially anything that would make me suppress my true self. I am learning about myself and I love this journey. I am so grateful the break up happened, and today I even feel that the fact that it happened in such a harsh way was a blessing rather than a crippling misfortune for me as I have previously thought. Yes, still I do not think it had to be so cruel as it was, but whatever I am able to look past this and appreciate the lessons that are still pouring in. Today at 12:2am I would have to say that I do not want to have a skype conversation with him on Friday or anytime soon for that matter. I do not really see the need and maybe I will forever miss something about him, yet the fact that it is broken…the bond was broken and our time on earth is limited and that person knows this too shows a lot. I have learned so much about my character, the source of where my jealousy has been coming from and what I need from my partner to help me with in order to cope with these things that clearly this person was a lesson rather than a means to an end in terms of who my partner should be. Something like that. I think the sheer preoccupation with this heartbreak and the person has been a little bit too excessive to be honest. And reaching out, wanting to say something…why? I don’t see the value in it as much as I did before. Not sure…to be honest, so what? It happened I am taking amazing lessons from it all and I would say I don’t really need this person in my life anymore…wow. I did just say that. I saw a light in him that he doesn’t see, but if my light is not seen and considered not essential I accept and move on.

This really is powerful and therapeutic for me to be able to verbalize and rationalize. And I know I might have ups and downs about this but honestly this is a great sense of maturity on my end. Embracing myself the way I come out at each and every moment.

Today is not Friday yet, and frankly there is no need to be bothered with the future. The present is the key, and I want to experience each and every emotion I have at each moment and honor it all.

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My first tattoo will be: “Happiness is an unlimited resource.” I think I want to do it in the languages I speak, or maybe just a combination of foreign letters. Not sure yet.

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11 minutes

So I did it. I called my A* (I hat the term “ex” so I will use his first initial from now on) who is all the way in Lueneburg or Magdeburg right now. I didn’t quite probe into the details of his whereabouts, but it was clear he was at Weihnachtsmarkt! Oh German Christmas markets, how I miss you. The sheer aura of Christmas being all around you…I miss that. It is utterly different here in D.C. – well I just quickly googled and apparently there is a Downtown Holiday Market which started on November 29 and will end on December 23. Umm lame, well kind of lame because a Christmas market should be kept up all day long and inject a true spirit of the winter holidays. I personally have not seen this market yet and seemingly won’t because it ends tomorrow at 8pm and I have to work at 6:00 so no way of getting there before hand. I must go to work today too. Anyway, I also youtubed the videos put up on this market in D.C. and actually they are featuring some very cool vendors, so there you have it. In any case, I like the authentic German Christmas Markets – they are aesthetically more beautiful. The spirit of the holiday is so much stronger in Germany from my personal observation. Or maybe being a child of a diaspora with a very mixed up traditional core contributes to my assessment of it all as well. I am sure that can’t be discounted.

Yes. I called my him. Every time I talk to my friends about my relationship with him, which happens very rarely since I have reduced my communication let alone talking about him with anyone ever since I came back from Europe, something happens. All over again. Well the feelings are always there but I do get influenced by what my friends say sometimes. Long after that momentum of a conversation expires, the influential bug remains. Also being a hormonal lady that I can be, sometimes I do take chances. I did take one this morning. Since yesterday I also got one more reinforcement of my belief that life should be accepted as is – I decided that one should face the fear and go for it. I mean he could not pick up, being that he is in Europe and then I wouldn’t have to talk to him. But he did. First he picked up and I realized he can’t hear me very well. He is so

Maybe I am like a little girl who is in love with a semi/big boy who is just a dream? Maybe when I was 24 I met my imperfect soulmate and he did not realize yet that I am his woman for life yet? Haha, maybe you should not take life so serious and nor yourself in it? It’s funny in a way, and I am smiling shyly now. Though in the past 4 months a ton of tears have been shed. I mean a TON! I smile now gently at myself, but there is something in meeting someone who influences you I guess. I was so shy when on the second attempt we finally could hear one another. Maybe this call will mean nothing to him as the day goes on, maybe it will tingle him a little bit in his heart ? I know for sure though that I know him in a way that I don’t think he even knows himself yet. Did I sound strange or “crazy” in that sentence? Maybe, but I don’t care! In fact I embrace what I feel and the way I think, period! After minor blah, blah, blah talk with awful communication signal, mainly because I don’t think he could hear me well – I summoned the courage to say “I miss you” and later on “we should skype next week”. He said “yes, sure when?”, and I responded in a hasty way because I didn’t know what else to say “let me look in my calendar…how about next Friday?” The response was “ok, I will shoot you an email for the time.” Something like that. It lasted all 11 minutes and 10 seconds. Sometimes being courageous and going with your gut feeling lasts that long. Embracing that moment in your daily life when you go for it.

I don’t think I want to be with him now, so I am not disillusioned by things like that. The break up helped me grow as a person in numerous ways. It is not possible to describe the real feelings that I have about this. My girlfriend whom I have been craving to see for such a long time now, and with whom I had a very difficult time reconnecting when I got back reached out in the morning to me yesterday. From then on, days that went with me actually missing all of my friends and being lonely as a result just like that were replenished. Yesterday, I got a chance not only to meet her, but also go to the city with another girlfriend of mine and facilitating a reunion of that girlfriend with my sister as well. So all in all, life is just awesome like that. You wish for something with good intentions and put out into the universe. Then you must be open to receive when it is given. I got my girlfriends and our candid and soulful talks, a wonderful time with my sister and friends in the city I like at times, as a result. Gratitude.

As with A* I will just in the same fashion take it day by day, moment by moment. Sadness and small joys as it comes. Life happens for a reason.

 

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Life in the Now…the only way it happens

No this is not going to be sexy, yet unapollogitically real and what I am developing in myself to be the alpha of attraction. Though it might seem like just a case of a toe nail which fell out months ago and now regrew. In the summertime I think, if I recall correctly, towards the end of it I had to admit that one of my toenails, and I mean the entire nail, had to come out because it was decaying and simply hanging on for it’s life…well most likely death. It died a while ago and needed to come out. My inner ego felt so much shame and unsexiness from the thought of losing it and the thought of “will it ever grow back” kept me delaying from just putting the sucker out of misery and giving maybe a chance for a new nail to grow out. I did eventually when I came back to the States and just forgot about the nail for the most part and have come accustomed to the fact that yeah, I lost a toenail before the age of 30, so what?

Then today I found the old nail which I saved because pulling it out was a shocking experience at the time. Then I looked back and my foot and saw that the poor toe which has given me the sense of lost femininity after all, did not give up on me. In fact it grew out for itself a new toenail as I have seemingly missed to notice it’s resilience to live. I acknowledge it now. It may not look perfect and feminine nor sexy to some, but to me it is me and mine and I am proud for it’s resilience. I am happy to know that my body is able and showing me in it’s own way that it is here for me. And this toenail in particular showed me that I need to have pride and faith in my body because it is my temple and it is here for me. And yes, of course I thought to myself instantly that if the nail grew out then so obviously will my hair after my chop. And why the heck am I waiting so long to do it all. Is the stalling necessary really just like I stalled with acceptance that my toenail was decaying and long dead and had to be fully pulled out? Is this whole, only in NYC can a good hairstylist be found that could give me a BC that I will be satisfied with and I must wait till the fist week of December to go with this all are perfecty orchestrated excuses of stallment and fear? Because look my toe said I will live even when you were afraid of me not coming back to life and accepting my procrastination for taking action. Some moments throughout the day I feel that I am stalling with cutting my hair. For me yes, I admit openly the hair has been a struggle. The use of chemicals for years, which I chose to do was based not on healthy reasons but rather on deeply rooted and complex personal factors. Not a focus here nor now. But since we are on the ever so poignant “self-love-acceptance-freedom” topic, I will share that I don’t shave my legs now. Nor have I shaven my underarms for weeks and I love the hairiness. My hairiness! Yes, I am unapologetic about my self-love.

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Moments before I even sat down to write any of this I was browsing the net and doing my admin tasks for the day, when I experienced a suffocating moment of self-pity and sorrow. It just woosh and splashed over me. There was a trigger of course. Then I stopped and just observed my predicament in that moment. The pain was enormous. I traveled in time in the span of milliseconds to the “breakup” thoughts and it was horrid. But when I stopped to calm myself and simply comfort me; I realized that it was the ego that was hurt not me. I am more than fine. I am me and rejoicing. I honestly hope and wish for my ex to be happy and fulfilled from the break up, from tossing me away by rejecting my body and my soul. True story. Both those things were told to me to be reason for the breakup. Now it takes a lot of work to deal with this, but I would not change it for anything in the world. The experience is my journey and I am humbled by it all. I became more aware of life, my life, in gratitude of this moment I am still going with the sense of it all. It has been and is one of the most empowering moments of my young life thus far. I am truly on my terms planting the seeds of my character, values, and countless other things one needs in life. That moment then passed and a new one took over.

К чему же то я всё таки об этом мямлю вдруг? 

I got a call from my aunt and uncle from NYC who are here in D.C. area. What? That was completely random. And now after work I will go to see them and we will have a PJ sleepover at their hotel room to reconnect and I get to re-bond with my lovely little cousins whom I have not seen in years now. Life is precisely this. A collection of moments that need to be lived as they happen. Real time, now!

And through all of these moments I comfort myself. I ferociously appreciate all that I have, the love that I have received and keep receiving in life. I meditate. These random moments are life. Life that is happening right now, in this moment.

It’s more than a coincidence that the events of today already have been reinforcing the message and lessons of meditation I did this morning.

Resilient Me

In life, it is fairly certain that we will each experience difficult and challenging passages. Within each of these moments we are given a special seed of opportunity, a gift. Many times, this point of view can be difficult to embrace in the midst of what appears to be a setback. Today, we spend our time together opening our minds and hearts to the blessings that come to us in disguise.

In the stillness of meditation we begin to gently release ego thoughts connected with success and failure. We begin to trust the movement of life knowing that the universe has much grander plans for us than we could ever fathom. Each step along the path of life, regardless of the destination, is an exciting part of the adventure. The moments themselves are the gift, the journey itself, the rich reward.

Our centering thought for today is:

A gift resides in every moment.

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