Girl Interrupted

Sigh. My daily streak of yoga came to a pause yesterday. Already the day before I lagged and did a session right before leaving in the evening only and not as part of the morning routine. Before I left to Cologne I even managed to go for runs, but since back a few days ago, well not really. After making a fool out of myself on Monday with a very public presentation, I went on a bit of a downhill. Reasons: stress, pre-menstrual days, anxiety, anticipation of changes, and of course the break up.

That horrid word at the end which I didn’t really want to utter (I still don’t really out loud) has been having a toll on me. I also see a definite correlation between the pre-menstrual days on my mental health something I really am curious to address with my gyno during a future visit. Also the stress hormones that I have just feel like they replicate at an astounding rate causing my brain to swell and come to a standstill only to be filled with an excruciating amount of gloominess. Part lingering depression part environmental factors my life at this moment doesn’t feel like it’s feeling faring well. Something I have to learn to cope with that’s for sure.  On a total side-note, I was so happy last week at the Ethio restaurant with my friends, the sheer joy and laughter that I was uttering then was so pure. I loved my life and myself in that moment. This is something I want to have on the record for a memory in case I re-read this later. As personal proof that I do still experience real joy which stems from my inner sides.

Anyways, I am accepting that the person I am today is a result of all of the experiences – some very painful ones and long-lasting ones are all part of my journey. And that journey still continues on.

3 Weeks to Go

I have already shaved my head once more since that last post. I have also bought a laptop so now I can write better…more conveniently, well when I am moved and less lazy. Today, I colored the little bit of hair that was on my head. Marvelous. I think 2018 will continue to be a year of cut and color, I think. Why not? I am not as attached to the hair it seems; plus there are wigs.

In personal life. I am not a good partner…well I am good in knowing that I think as a partner I need to be alone. That’s hard to break down to someone who loves me and wants to “build” a life with and around me….I might not be the one to do it with though. In 23 days its move time again. Again and finally and at last and really? This one for good-good. No matter after that where I end up, it won’t be back here with the folks – that’s for sure.

This 2018 has been real with relationships…and I mean real-real brutal at times, but also really good. Letting go of those who literally do not want me in their lives. I respect that. As is it’s already a congested sort of existence with the interwebs like totally infringing upon each others lives, so instead of fighting what people want. More importantly also, it is about personal boundaries. I realize I have some of my own, just like the people rejecting me from their lives and well I respect our choices. Not everything is so dramatic though. We hurt people, we make them happy and we just all at the end of it all are learning to exist under one roof in this life. With that said I am 23 days from moving. Still a lot to do and a ton of work in between. It will be well, because it IS well all along.

 

 

Just talking

Today I possibly get to shave my hair off…again. I hope so.

I’m trying to add a countdown to my blog, so if anyone in the Universe knows how to do this for free without having to upgrade to “business account” on wordpress please do let me know. It was much simpler on blogger I recall.

In other news, looking for gigs ain’t easy. Being an independent freelancing Brands Ambassador has it’s perks…I work when I want and can, as in when I actually get a gig. The downside is the gutwrtetching sitting around waiting and constantly hunting for work. Competition is fierce out there I tell ya. And then the waiting for my money is also not the most thrilling thing in the world. I want my money NOW not 90 days later. Please and thank you. I need as many of these gigs as possible before my real “unemployed” days whilst I’m searching in Berlin will kick off.

Berlin. That place. Still looking for a flat, since everybody including their grandma and their dogs wants to live there we are still struggling to find a roof. There are deadlines. As I don’t want to live in a flat-share again with strangers…I’m not 23 anymore. So there are 90 days to find a new “home”, fingers crossed.

Deadlines. Visa appointment is in a few weeks. 23 days to be precise. I am not sweating it though. I mean I am but like really, what can a girl do? Gather her paperwork and apply…yes, that’s about it.

Anyways, the world is strange. Some people in it are absolutely disgusting. Power is a mindfuck. People should meditate for real to figure out their inner filth so that they don’t pass that stuff on to the rest…they don’t see it that way I must remind myself of this too. In conclusion. Therapy in any way shape and form one can get their hands on is a good activity. I have a virtual/group one later today.

#keepfamiliestogether #immigrationisnotacrime

When I met you I didn’t know I found my gem…

Almost three years ago we met on a beach. I was punished for being there. It was a coping space from which I found hard to leave because we met. I met him then and didn’t even know I had it in me to feel that way again while still being the same hurt person. Last summer, I almost lost him. Being stuck in illusions, overwhelmed with realities and stuck in the vortex of the past – I almost lost him. I pushed him away, I ran away, I broke our ways. Then something clicked. I lost my passport, dignity, time, money, phone and illusions of the past. Ghosts that I created and cherished for so long that finally upon seeing the real thing again, I couldn’t deny anymore and appease the coping sense of my mind’s creations that the truth was always there in front of me too. I was not wanted, was told of that frankly after being cuddled in heaps of lies. I was hurt deeply. With scars I will carry to my grave or air, perhaps I will be cremated someday…who knows. Yet that too now passed. I am still standing and with love at that. Also, maturity knocked on my shoulders and frankly told me to stop being a wimp and a coward to even myself. Something clicked also when I unwaxed my ears from that sticky yet sweet layer of lies which I held on to so desperately. There was also a heap dash of illusions which were as equally sweet. But more importantly now, I finally heard him – the one who has been with me for nearly 3 years. And I still hear him more loudly now thankfully too.

Change is not easy. Especially when you gradually or for your whole life wanted something so badly and seemingly find it hard to get to. But then there is also hope. And with hope and honest love I think there is something real to actually get to – a path not only made by being alone yet with someone who sees the light in you which you have allowed to become dimmed for yourself to see anymore.

I’ve made grave mistakes. As a result some relations are gone or gravely severed. I am remorseful on my end for causing frictions and dissent. Also I am more accepting of change. Of time passing, of people changing and moving forward even without me in mind.

Ase to my truth, my love for you, and us.

I miss writing, I miss me when I used to write…I’m writing now

Long title. But today I felt like actually coming through and sitting down to actually write. Write, write, to write, to say something to say my words out loud on the screen, this screen – our screen.

I feel better. This morning I dragged myself out of bed, feeling sorry for myself. Critical of myself and yet determined to change up my hair. So it is changed. Yet again. Like me. Like all of me that keeps changing and changing and coming up with more things to change. The 5 minute journal that my sister gifted me 3 years ago finally found it’s birth last night. I started to write there for the first time. My new journal for 2018. Will this year be better? I think so. Honestly. I don’t feel as “only numb” but thawed in many ways finally….eventually.

My hair is giving me life. I woke up this morning determined to change it yet again and now I did. And to think that 3+ years ago I thought I would just keep going with that “curly revival” and never touch it. Funny. My hair died when my innocence was being crushed yet again in Ghana 1 year ago actually. Or going on 2 actually already?Time….this thing of time which just drifts farther and farther away is a strange thing.

Last summer finally I began to grasp that time is a rapid thing. A thing that never stood still even when my ordinary days in Ghana felt like eternities in passing. One day had 48 hours it seemed. I was wrong. People moved on in other parts, broke down, found new things, made new people and prices went up and changed. As I had changed so did they…and the places that I knew too. Prices went up, Berlin boomed and continues to boom and kind of also push me away. Or I would say repelling actually…something like that.

I’m talking to him now as he called. Long-distance requires respect of time differences. And this post came to a holt and I only now realizing that it was 3 days ago when I first began to write it (yes it is now the 11th and I’m back to finish it). He called and then my writing stopped. When someone is talking to you, listen, give them your full attention or at least try.

So now it is Thursday, and I am going soon back to my old university for a job orientation. Albeit not the kind of job I thought I would be doing on that campus after spending thousands of dollars on my education there, but alas I am content! I just hope as I wrote in my journal this morning I won’t be too overwhelmed and too proud to work in the food industry after my education and “other” pursuits and failures. It’s all part of my journey, and as I wrote in my journal today I hope to respect it and the pace at which my life takes to get to my true independence. Which is my lifelong dream for myself. Humble.

….

It happened. I was at work and was harboring a feeling of wanting to run away. This happened last year a couple of months before I went to Europe. It happened again today. I think it is the growing anxiety of many things. The coming of end of the year 2013 which at some points in trying to describe it leaves me speechless. Like now…..no words to really describe it all.

Confused? No this is beyond confusion. I set out to do the meditations and one day at work wrote a note that at the end of it I want some kind of resolution to be reached in dealing with what happened in June. It is officially December 1 and the last day of the 21 day Meditation series. Shit. 

I don’t even recognize 100% the girl who looks at me back in the mirror. Seems even my “big chop” is being trumped by this uneasy, and maybe confusing feeling growing within me. How did I get to this point? How did I get myself emotionally to this point in my life? Should I freak out and panic? I think I have a little bit of that going on already anyways, just really trying to keep it all under some sort of control. I am turning 26 next week. I booked a trip to NYC, the first trip since being back from Europe also for next weekend. Can I handle it all? The list of outstanding things that I must do and am a little bit paralyzed to finalize seems to be crippling me down too. But no one makes me do these things. I am the pusher of it all. Yes, this is a freak out moment. I don’t know how else to describe it. 

Ok. I tried to take my mind off of things for a moment. It helped. I have a headache now. I don’t think the “how” and “why” questions help at all. I know the don’t. This is how things are that is all I must accept. It’s ok to have intense moments like these. I did not stop doing anything since being back from Europe. I just kept pressing the gas pedal on living. I think this all makes sense. It’s a heavy season with lot’s of baggage. It is all alright. I am alright. 

I love that I have writing to go to when it gets this heavy, because it has been even hard to write which is is my form of therapy to say the least. Deep breath in and a long one out. Life continues. I am still blessed and endlessly grateful. Fear, hurt, doubt and anything else that is not inspirational will not hold me down. Yet I am allowed to bow my head down at moments when they are proving to be hard. Resilience.