I’m Back

Though really I have written just in different places and spaces. Just went browsing down below to read my previous posts. It’s been a while. Like nearly 4 years while. In that time I have written in other spaces, the most prolonged one being my Peace Corps journals which have now vanished. Gratitude (with sarcasm and a sense of wanting to beat someone up) is given to the forces and circumstances which have led to their loss. Last August en route from Ghana to Berlin. I’m sure the customs at Tegel has enjoyed my private thoughts…fick dich (whoever) for enjoying them. Anyways, no need to get too much into that mood.

I haven’t written in ages online really. I think I’ve written a post not too long ago maybe in November of 2016 on one of my older blogs, but honestly I doubt I’ll go back to that site again. It carries too much of the past. Though my memory might not be too good, and this I do not say lightly, it truly is troubling when I’m exceptionally honest with myself, the point to which I recognize how short my memory is on things – it’s well alarming. Probably something I should look into checking while I have my health insurance before this new American regime continues it’s extermination and terrorization of my Brown existance. It’s the era of resistance. Anyways, it feels good to write actually. It really does.

Also while browsing through some emails an inspiration came to mind. I want to find a creative way to share and explore for myself my 1 year and 9 months in West Africa. A tumultuous experience really which ended in a way of being tossed away…. Perhaps a photo exhibition – with music….Ein Fotoausstellung…..something like that? Yeah? Yeah? I think I should do that….

Art and creativity heal after all, don’t they?

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Words

The typos in my previous post will remain. They are funny actually. Moving along.

Some wisdom tidbits from yesterday “Divine timing – things happen at the right time” and “You are where you are supposed to be. ” And a thought that was in my head about the past……”I am where are am supposed to be and things went with the flow. The last night I spent the time with my ex was just like that. It felt amazing, being serene and calm, not the entire evening but there was a continuous moment when this was going on for – maybe a couple of hours or so. It was very foreign to me feeling this kind of inner peace and dynamic. Maybe I will talk about it some other day. Will you visit me in my dreams today A. ?

It is already Sunday morning. The earliest minutes of the last day of this week. It is already October 27 and November of 2013 is waiting to come out of the corner. Nearly 2 months ago (well we are getting there) I came back after one of the most trans formative experiences of my life. My life in Germany and a very influential and cherished time in Africa. On the 12 of September I finally arrived back in America. It was a long way, not the plane flight itself because that was the quickest part of it all, but booking the ticket and summing the courage to tie up the ends of my life abroad – now that was not easy. Numbers, time, life, moments……

These days I feel the changes. The inner changes in me – I have really stepped through the coveted doors of adulthood. Which is what I really wanted to reach. The inner changes in me are very evident to myself. I can feel, sense, and nearly touch my inner development into the me that I want to be. Catching myself when I am out of line and do not exhibit that which I really am…like the awful frustration that I felt on Friday morning due to some uncontrollable by me factors. I really did go off for several minutes, even maybe for an hour venting my frustration and jamming seemingly unconnected aspects of my life under the same umbrella in order to vent it all out. There was correlation though but not all very objective In the end I felt better but not without a price of having had an audience which might not truly understand that even in my venting mode, I could have a very healthy post self-analysis; part of it being reinforcing it here. I hope my sister will not judge me too much for that Friday moment.

So I just want to have it for the record for myself that I have some fascinating thoughts at times. In which I think of things in an unrestricted way, free and daring. But those moments are not everlasting…though they should be.

Last words before sleep then. Borrowed.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

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Waking up with an lump inside

Sometimes I am tempted to get a palm reading. I like to flirt with the idea that it is actually possible to look into the future before living it. It sure would have been an 

My sister did have a good counter point to this idea though. What if an “idea” from such reading is injected into my psyche and I become obsessed with it? It wouldn’t be an organic way of thinking afterwards I think too, but then again it could be useful. Well at least getting some answers or insight on not specifically the future but at least some answers about the past. But then again the past is long gone, far, far, far away it is. Sometimes this is very prominent in my thinking when I try to recollect some childhood events. It seems fuzzy now having grown up in two very different countries with two different identities.  I had a random memory right now, that I think I used to journal or I would say write sporadically even when I was about 9 or so….back in Moscow. I think. See it’s fuzzy so many years have passed now. 16 years in total. That’s a long time huh? So much has happened in all those years. Chapters closed and opened. Identities left behind and new ones being constructed…something like that. Anyways, maybe I will do a reading of some sort someday. 

My mood is a bit nostalgic and there might be small traces of sadness clogged in my throat. Maybe some tears want to be shed, maybe I am just sensitive, well I always am that’s me. Ok well I dragged on writing this and still listening to Sarah as I am writing this – well some waterworks are fighting to come out a little. But it’s ok, this is me being authentic with myself. This mood though is also brought about by the changing season I think. After I comeback from Berlin, which was already grey and fall like, it was still warm here for weeks. In the past couple of days though it is becoming evident that winter is around the corner. Well at lest the cold winds of fall are here to stay. That’s that.

Think I’ll make a pause here for now. There were thoughts and I’m glad to just write this for now. There is really no one else like me or you other there. We each are a unique versions of ourselves. I am glad we can relate to each other, that’s essential to connections, but we also need to fully embrace our individual uniqueness and accept that fully. I am me and you are you. That’s it for now.  My morning writing session has come to an end. 

Things I don’t fancy about myself include: 

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