….

It happened. I was at work and was harboring a feeling of wanting to run away. This happened last year a couple of months before I went to Europe. It happened again today. I think it is the growing anxiety of many things. The coming of end of the year 2013 which at some points in trying to describe it leaves me speechless. Like now…..no words to really describe it all.

Confused? No this is beyond confusion. I set out to do the meditations and one day at work wrote a note that at the end of it I want some kind of resolution to be reached in dealing with what happened in June. It is officially December 1 and the last day of the 21 day Meditation series. Shit. 

I don’t even recognize 100% the girl who looks at me back in the mirror. Seems even my “big chop” is being trumped by this uneasy, and maybe confusing feeling growing within me. How did I get to this point? How did I get myself emotionally to this point in my life? Should I freak out and panic? I think I have a little bit of that going on already anyways, just really trying to keep it all under some sort of control. I am turning 26 next week. I booked a trip to NYC, the first trip since being back from Europe also for next weekend. Can I handle it all? The list of outstanding things that I must do and am a little bit paralyzed to finalize seems to be crippling me down too. But no one makes me do these things. I am the pusher of it all. Yes, this is a freak out moment. I don’t know how else to describe it. 

Ok. I tried to take my mind off of things for a moment. It helped. I have a headache now. I don’t think the “how” and “why” questions help at all. I know the don’t. This is how things are that is all I must accept. It’s ok to have intense moments like these. I did not stop doing anything since being back from Europe. I just kept pressing the gas pedal on living. I think this all makes sense. It’s a heavy season with lot’s of baggage. It is all alright. I am alright. 

I love that I have writing to go to when it gets this heavy, because it has been even hard to write which is is my form of therapy to say the least. Deep breath in and a long one out. Life continues. I am still blessed and endlessly grateful. Fear, hurt, doubt and anything else that is not inspirational will not hold me down. Yet I am allowed to bow my head down at moments when they are proving to be hard. Resilience. 

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Random thoughts

This is it. Life does not stop, no wait it does but only when you are dead. At least the kind of life that we know IN any case, the point is this is the last day of the month. November 30. 

The holiday season has been proving to be quite heavy for me. I get it now. It’s ok, there is no self judgement in that. I’m healing and it might take a long time too and that is also ok. Self judgment is not part of my lifestyle…at least intentionally. It creeps up on me at times but I like to think that I tame that monster efficiently whenever I can. 

Last week I walked my talk. The hair did get chopped. The liberation of it all was indescribable as in literally I do not have the words to describe it. It was a feeling and IS a feeling that found a new tenancy within my soul, my whole being. My new tapered fro is my new love. My best friend left me a voicemail complimenting me that I look very “Purple Rainish” a.k.a. Prince like! Yes I will take that one. Overall the love on my hair has been very nice to hear, the support is very appreciated and cherished. Above all I think it is obvious also to people that it is not only about hair. It’s much deeper than that. It is for me. I did this for the little girl in me that grew up with tough self-thoughts and skewed self-image which was affected by her surroundings. I did it for my present self who is becoming into a woman. And I did it for my future self who will someday become a mother to children who will undoubtedly look up to me. In a nutshell something like that. Something like that while so much more. At the moment I do not want to see a single straight hair coming out of my head. Straighteners step away! There is something fascinating though in seeing your face more vividly sans hair in the way….this is a big bag to talk about. 

In the past couple of days I have been waking up with a mixed array of feelings. Mostly heavy once and throughout the day it has been roller coaster kind of situation. I think I am in mourning. For people and feelings of last year, this year…lifetime? Not sure it is hard to explain. I haven’t meditated yesterday and need to catch up. The challenge is going to be over in 2 days! Ughhh I’m going to miss it. Really. I’m glad my sister is recording the sessions so that  could revisit them over and over again. They are really deep and soul wrenching like really deep! Not so easy to handle but very helpful and rich as well. I guess that’s also life in a nutshell – sweet and sour, heavy and light!

I think I’m just learning to love myself. For real this time around. I thought I always did, yes I do in a way but there is a path to still undergo for real self-love and a compassionate relationship with myself. In all forms. I’ll go meditate now. Seizing the moment at it’s inception is always a good thing.  

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Serving others (with gratitude and hunger) Serves Me

Another day has already begun. Days can begin with heavy thoughts and sensations sometime, but then you can re-focus on what is more important and the weight becomes less burdensome. I think this is called maturity or Divine Timing in people’s lives, when we can recognize these things from having paid attention to life’s daily lessons.

Also, today some years ago a very special woman was born. She grew to touch the lives of many and also my own. Today as always I extend my love to her through the distance of time and space as she is far away in Germany. I am grateful for her being and being in my life from an early age. Happy Birthday Susichka. You are a friend, a mother, a muse, a source of strength, joy, inspiration, and aspiration in my life. I am infinitely grateful for you in this world and your genuine spirit which you share so generously.

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“Giving to others through service is simply recognizing what you do best in any given moment and offering that as a gift to someone else.”

As the day goes on I will carry on today’s mediation core lesson “Serving others serves me.” Yes, this is my prayer. Always has been and I know will continue on to  however long my life will continue to go on. How do you serve you ask? By being yourself. Yes, by being the authentic, real genuine you. Understanding your own unique talent and sharing that with others. Are you a great hug giver, listener, mathematician, singer, writer, lover, cleaner and many other things? Yes, I am sure you are. I know I am a very loving, dedicated, genuinely sincere person who is imperfect and finds perfection in that. I see the imperfections of others too and love them dearly. I am blessed to have my doubts, confidence, fears, hopes and gratitude. I always have been and am hungry to exchange, share, give and receive. These things and more. Finding my purpose sharing it with others and receiving from the universe. That is me.

Today is the last day with my hair as well. A new journey is going to begin tomorrow. One of the best compliments I received was yesterday which went like this “You like change, I can see that in you.” Yes I embrace change and am on a continuous journey to embrace change without fear but pure anticipation and gratitude that it always brings, while being my authentic self.

I wish you all a wondrous day. In spite of dull and tough moments during the day which are bound to happen remember (and I will do the same very consciously and actively, I promise to myself); we can serve by simply and most importantly being the real wonderful ourselves, which we already are and can continue to uncover for as long as we are breathing in this world. And recognizing those whom we love and admire is a gift and yet another service which we receive. I am deeply grateful for everything.

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Brand new Day

“Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart. ”  —Native American Proverb

Last couple of days have been not easy. At all. Usually this happens a week before my period kicks in. An emotional prelude engulfs me. This time though this is not the case. I know why I am feeling this way now. The meditation really digs in and everything around just becomes that much more intense.

I embody the notion that 20’s are a time of profound self-exploration. I hope many chose to do this in their lives and not waste this precious period in their lives. I am a living proof of that. I have never been shy of recognizing my uniqueness (but nor a stranger to forgetting it at times) in that I have always sought to figure out who is it that I am and what is it that I am born to do? My purpose and personal truth in other words. The biggest change over the years has been in that I have realized that there is not only one or the other: we are made to discover ourselves and also build ourselves into the beings we want to be and are. Many of the enlightened people in this world define these things differently. Recently Paulo Cuelho’s words on Personal Legends, World’s Biggest Lie, Soul of the World, and a reminder that “when you want something all of Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” have been reinforcing the many lessons I have been learning in my life’s journey and continue to learn. I finally got around to reading The Alchemist. It is my reading companion at the moment. Something tells me that this book will be re-read by me many more times after I finish the first round.

A relationship with yourself is the core for everything. The way we love ourselves will trickle into how we love others. I am a ferocious lover who gives shamelessly while exposing myself to being vulnerable. I believe in myself at the core, my soul believes in my true self. What a blessing. I watched Oprah’s interview with Tina Turner and Patti Labelle a while back and both of them said they have always believed in themselves in spite of many trials and tribulations. I am picking up my pieces of last year’s and this year’s event.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahr Dar, Ethiopia.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahir Dar, Ethiopia.

I do not indulge in other people’s sorrows nor do I need to use people in any way to uplift me. I hope to master the art of genuine forgiveness. I do though reach out when I need to feel the love and support. I did today. And the Universe also reached out to me too. From Germany and from America. A girl is blessed.

And it is officially November 20th. Another day live, how can I not be grateful?

I give gratitude in my “Gratitude Journal.” One of the best advice I can give you this year is to start jotting down someplace specific things you are grateful for. It is amazing for the Soul, Body, and Mind.

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Sat. Chit. Ananda. – Life in a Concious State

Yes I have to learn to sleep better. Well the night before I sort of got a bit overjoyed with dancing and watching my very cherished recorded shows. I succumb to watching very few hours of television which I have with years increasingly abandoned. I am ferociously selective about what I spend my time on watch. These days it is the OWN network, with Super Soul Sunday talks, and random but very enriching selections of shows. Conclusions from last night: I must take on dance lessons or rent a studio to simply go and dance occasionally, Ms. Patty Labelle is amazing and Black Girls and Women Rock. And most importantly I am beyond blessed to have been born a brown woman. Period. My exploration of self and femininity has been tremendously enriched by millions of daily events and happenings. I am infinitely blessed. Needless to say one thing led to another and I stayed up way too long and did not get proper sleep. Yet it was all worth it.

Then dreams were strange too, but their strangeness no longer alarms me. I have a vivid imaginations to say the least. I think there was a robbery involved, potentially a scene from my last relationship and something else. The memory is already faded. I woke up twice, hit the alarm twice more and woke up 20 minutes in time for my bus ride to work. So I thought….of course the notoriously reliable bus has left 10 or so minutes before it’s scheduled time. My day began with a bump. I got a ride to the next bus and hopped on gladly. I cherish this moment of stillness and reflection that bus rides offer. Call me strange, but I find therapy in this.

On the bus ride, there was an intense moment of feeling life in a very conscious way going on when I was caught by a little girl looking at me. We smiled at each other and felt serene. My thoughts then took me to gratitude. I sincerely felt my powerfulness in being awake to what living means. Being in the present, free from the past, and un-expecting of the future. Of course I believe in striving to and having a goal for the future, but how it unveils should not be suffocated by our expectations. I felt all that and more and some tears just dripped for a moment. My consciousness and self felt intense sense of serenity, gratitude, and humbleness by everything around. The people on the bus, the views out of the windows, the going to work, the struggles, the optimism, the gift of life and my personal greatness. I am so powerful, not in a pompous way but in a way that should be utterly acknowledged first and foremost by myself. Work began with many bumps today but at the end of the day and as I am writing with the laptop in my laps way past my bedtime; I am still eternally grateful for everything.

I should sleep now. Meditation day 4 will usher me into sleep and in a few hours my first gig as an ESOL teacher.

 

Namaste.

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Choosing to live life mindfully and wholeheartedly – Desire & Destiny

I woke up this morning not really realizing if I had slept at all. It was a strange feeling that is not easy to explain to say the least. I think I slept relatively well and I think I had a dream, but I am not certain because it could have also been just a prolonged thought and not a real dream. Either way I could not reconstruct it back and there is a void.

I had a moment last evening of looking at myself in the mirror and particularly looking myself in the eyes. Did you know that it is not easy to keep a gaze on yourself for a long time. By long time I mean at least up to half a minute or so. It was difficult I might have gotten to 20 seconds I think. Either way it was a reflective moment in which I watched myself shed some tears for myself. Or something like that. I think I have a somehow long way to go to self acceptance, forgiveness, full embrace of myself and self love. All of the things that I have seemingly thought I had under control or in the bag sort of speak. In reality there is still some work to be done. I thought of writing down the exact thoughts right after but as usual life took its own course and that moment evaporated too quickly to be captured right away. I write in reflection now what I can reassemble.

Back to this morning then. As I am sitting here on the couch which also functions as my bed while I am floating my life around two households, I am literally trying to recall how I thought moments ago about life. Let’s try. I think I was born with an existential question on my mind. Ever since I call recall myself I have always wondered about “why am I here, who am I, and what am I here to fulfill ?” As a small child, as a teen, and now as an adult these questions in one way or another have always remained constants on my mind. In a way thought I have also been a snob who thought, and at times still thinks, is superior to others because I am fully aware that affecting others and being affected by others is a responsibility and a sort of choice…..something like that. But actually I am humble and accept that I have some serious things I need to deal with regarding to myself, and I am and never have been interested in bringing anyone down to feel better about myself. This I also remember about myself since I have the first memory of this self that I talk about so much. 

Do you realize that we are required to perform in this life ? Is that not scary actually? To grasp that we are going to be affected by others and affect others even if we do not actively want to. This has been meditated about before…. “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”  

Also a seasoning thought from a few days now is the realization that a “woman who is in touch with herself is actually a powerful force”. As a woman I can really only speak of the femaile experience when talking about this thought because I am one and undergoing the “female role” while performing in this lifetime. Yes, something like that. This is something to keep in mind because perhaps it applies to the humankind experience as a whole too. That when you know who you are then you attract the energy that is associated with this as well; and that includes certain people too who are in touch with their inner selves…….and powerhouses attracting powerhouses could be a mega force all together. A different experience of life. Ok, the thought and my ability to write about it is kind of becoming bullshit I think I’ll stop on this right now. 

Is it all a coincidence that today’s first meditation topic is “”Who am I?”. Or I am intuitive to these things and should just no longer be marveled every time sense the upcoming things? Or is it all a coincidence as is all of life ?

 Day one of the 21 Day Meditation Challenge then. Excerpts from the email message.

 

Welcome to our 21-Day Experience, Desire & Destiny! We are delighted and honored that you are joining us, as together we expand our understanding of ourselves and we open to the magnificent lives we are meant to live—our destinies.

Our deepest, most heartfelt desires are like stars in a constellation
. . . brilliant, twinkling lights that show us the way and create pathways to our true destinies. It is our soul’s mission to connect with, cherish, and realize our desires in order to live our lives to the fullest and make our greatest contributions to the world. In fulfilling our heart-held dreams we flourish, serving ourselves and others from a place of bliss, generosity, and love. Our journey starts at the beginning, in the center, as we go within to listen to our deepest truth.

Our centering thought for today is:

I am my deepest desire.

 

MINDFUL MOMENT

Today is a new beginning, the first step on a very special journey. Along the way there will be new sights to see and concepts to learn. As you travel through this day, take time to acknowledge yourself and celebrate your choice to live mindfully and wholeheartedly! With your mind and heart open, you are creating the space to manifest the life of your dreams.

 

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On Serving….

“Service to others is the rent you pay for a room here on this Earth.”

— Shirley Chisholm
 
There is absolutely something healing and orgasmic about being of service and giving gratitude in this life. I am really grateful for feeling this and many new waves of gratifying moments in my life’s journey and at this stage. 
 
Last night I chopped off yet another portion of my braided hair. The feeling of short hair is feeling really right these days. 
 
November 11th will mark yet another opportunity to dive into the quietness and reflective gift of guided meditation. If you have not not signed up please try it out, you might find this very soothing to your own soul.
 
And speaking of time. November 7th is already here….2013 is gearing up for it’s farewell I am sure. 
 
Time. Life. Self. 
 
Giving gratitude is the constant. 
 
 
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