Not happy – confessions of the late 20’s

Yes, I have not been happy for a very long time. In a way that feels rather surreal even. The shift happened, I had acknowledged it a while back and now what? Well it becomes your reality. Depression. Yes, those are cyclical, also admittedly so. I’ve shied away from writing these thoughts also out of laziness too. Now I guess, I could pat myself on the back for finally doing it. Admitting these things a little bit more louder.

Yet again I find myself in Germany. For what? Love, escape, longing, search and assertion of privileges. I used to be so cool and feel that way too, where is that woman now? We change, things change, life changes.

I guess I am still somewhat cool, a little battered and emotionally dull and numb but somewhat and somehow still not all is lost. This is the last year of the 20s after all too.

 

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Brand new Day

“Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart. ”  —Native American Proverb

Last couple of days have been not easy. At all. Usually this happens a week before my period kicks in. An emotional prelude engulfs me. This time though this is not the case. I know why I am feeling this way now. The meditation really digs in and everything around just becomes that much more intense.

I embody the notion that 20’s are a time of profound self-exploration. I hope many chose to do this in their lives and not waste this precious period in their lives. I am a living proof of that. I have never been shy of recognizing my uniqueness (but nor a stranger to forgetting it at times) in that I have always sought to figure out who is it that I am and what is it that I am born to do? My purpose and personal truth in other words. The biggest change over the years has been in that I have realized that there is not only one or the other: we are made to discover ourselves and also build ourselves into the beings we want to be and are. Many of the enlightened people in this world define these things differently. Recently Paulo Cuelho’s words on Personal Legends, World’s Biggest Lie, Soul of the World, and a reminder that “when you want something all of Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” have been reinforcing the many lessons I have been learning in my life’s journey and continue to learn. I finally got around to reading The Alchemist. It is my reading companion at the moment. Something tells me that this book will be re-read by me many more times after I finish the first round.

A relationship with yourself is the core for everything. The way we love ourselves will trickle into how we love others. I am a ferocious lover who gives shamelessly while exposing myself to being vulnerable. I believe in myself at the core, my soul believes in my true self. What a blessing. I watched Oprah’s interview with Tina Turner and Patti Labelle a while back and both of them said they have always believed in themselves in spite of many trials and tribulations. I am picking up my pieces of last year’s and this year’s event.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahr Dar, Ethiopia.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahir Dar, Ethiopia.

I do not indulge in other people’s sorrows nor do I need to use people in any way to uplift me. I hope to master the art of genuine forgiveness. I do though reach out when I need to feel the love and support. I did today. And the Universe also reached out to me too. From Germany and from America. A girl is blessed.

And it is officially November 20th. Another day live, how can I not be grateful?

I give gratitude in my “Gratitude Journal.” One of the best advice I can give you this year is to start jotting down someplace specific things you are grateful for. It is amazing for the Soul, Body, and Mind.

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A Saturday

So today started of shaky. Ughh how much I hate the public transport in Washington, D.C. if only one knew. It is extremely unreliable. I should write my complaint I know…because I thought shit what about those people who do not have an alternative and they make minimum wage, and they need to get to work because THIS is the only way they can get to work. Oh yeah, but the bus just decided you know to go 10 minutes early, and said screw you? Yeah, well that bothers me a lot, because I had an alternative this morning and some people don’t! I will write that complain though I wonder why does WMATA need your personal information like contact info including address? Hmmmmm so that bus driver will come to your house and say POP you in the head…you know people are very violent these days? This is a valid thought to ponder upon. In any case, moving on. I made it to work with spare time thanks to a ride. Frustrations aside, work was busy to say the least. Tomorrow’s shift from 11:00-23:00 should be also interesting all on it’s own. I never worked a shift like that in my life! Always something new to learn.

When I got home, a frustration moment with my sister and other things that bother me just prompted me to sing yet another song. I started singing since yesterday and recording myself. It’s improv singing of course, with my own lyrics and NO I am not a “singer”…well I am not many things but at the same time I enjoy a lot of things so I am learning to do them more.  And I want to learn how to play an instrument already…once I tried learning to play the guitar but like everything “artistic” that has to be done for a grade usually doesn’t sit still with my soul. Or I am just spoiled and become too argumentative to having be graded for my artistic self and just lose interest or some sort of ability to do it…hmm I will pick this up again though. Just need to get to it, but will that’s for sure.

Then an article on “20 Things Every Twentysomething Should Know How to Do” which someone had tagged or whatever they do these days on their facebook page, I have been meaning to read. Well I got to it finally and actually I like it a lot. I am definitely doing very well on that list, which once more confirms to me that I am generally doing very well in my soul! Yes, I will give a lot of praise to myself for believe me it is necessary. A lot of people should especially when they see themselves building themselves to be the person that want to be. Life is not an emergency rehearsal – it’s for real and happening now. I need to still learn though how to brew good coffee and tea. This definitely is a great skill to have and since I already know how to make a banging breakfast, I should work on inviting friends over for it more often too next time I have my own place.

So now off to doing some research because I am determined on finding some scholarships for my massage school studies. YES I WILL!

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