Not happy – confessions of the late 20’s

Yes, I have not been happy for a very long time. In a way that feels rather surreal even. The shift happened, I had acknowledged it a while back and now what? Well it becomes your reality. Depression. Yes, those are cyclical, also admittedly so. I’ve shied away from writing these thoughts also out of laziness too. Now I guess, I could pat myself on the back for finally doing it. Admitting these things a little bit more louder.

Yet again I find myself in Germany. For what? Love, escape, longing, search and assertion of privileges. I used to be so cool and feel that way too, where is that woman now? We change, things change, life changes.

I guess I am still somewhat cool, a little battered and emotionally dull and numb but somewhat and somehow still not all is lost. This is the last year of the 20s after all too.

 

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11 minutes

So I did it. I called my A* (I hat the term “ex” so I will use his first initial from now on) who is all the way in Lueneburg or Magdeburg right now. I didn’t quite probe into the details of his whereabouts, but it was clear he was at Weihnachtsmarkt! Oh German Christmas markets, how I miss you. The sheer aura of Christmas being all around you…I miss that. It is utterly different here in D.C. – well I just quickly googled and apparently there is a Downtown Holiday Market which started on November 29 and will end on December 23. Umm lame, well kind of lame because a Christmas market should be kept up all day long and inject a true spirit of the winter holidays. I personally have not seen this market yet and seemingly won’t because it ends tomorrow at 8pm and I have to work at 6:00 so no way of getting there before hand. I must go to work today too. Anyway, I also youtubed the videos put up on this market in D.C. and actually they are featuring some very cool vendors, so there you have it. In any case, I like the authentic German Christmas Markets – they are aesthetically more beautiful. The spirit of the holiday is so much stronger in Germany from my personal observation. Or maybe being a child of a diaspora with a very mixed up traditional core contributes to my assessment of it all as well. I am sure that can’t be discounted.

Yes. I called my him. Every time I talk to my friends about my relationship with him, which happens very rarely since I have reduced my communication let alone talking about him with anyone ever since I came back from Europe, something happens. All over again. Well the feelings are always there but I do get influenced by what my friends say sometimes. Long after that momentum of a conversation expires, the influential bug remains. Also being a hormonal lady that I can be, sometimes I do take chances. I did take one this morning. Since yesterday I also got one more reinforcement of my belief that life should be accepted as is – I decided that one should face the fear and go for it. I mean he could not pick up, being that he is in Europe and then I wouldn’t have to talk to him. But he did. First he picked up and I realized he can’t hear me very well. He is so

Maybe I am like a little girl who is in love with a semi/big boy who is just a dream? Maybe when I was 24 I met my imperfect soulmate and he did not realize yet that I am his woman for life yet? Haha, maybe you should not take life so serious and nor yourself in it? It’s funny in a way, and I am smiling shyly now. Though in the past 4 months a ton of tears have been shed. I mean a TON! I smile now gently at myself, but there is something in meeting someone who influences you I guess. I was so shy when on the second attempt we finally could hear one another. Maybe this call will mean nothing to him as the day goes on, maybe it will tingle him a little bit in his heart ? I know for sure though that I know him in a way that I don’t think he even knows himself yet. Did I sound strange or “crazy” in that sentence? Maybe, but I don’t care! In fact I embrace what I feel and the way I think, period! After minor blah, blah, blah talk with awful communication signal, mainly because I don’t think he could hear me well – I summoned the courage to say “I miss you” and later on “we should skype next week”. He said “yes, sure when?”, and I responded in a hasty way because I didn’t know what else to say “let me look in my calendar…how about next Friday?” The response was “ok, I will shoot you an email for the time.” Something like that. It lasted all 11 minutes and 10 seconds. Sometimes being courageous and going with your gut feeling lasts that long. Embracing that moment in your daily life when you go for it.

I don’t think I want to be with him now, so I am not disillusioned by things like that. The break up helped me grow as a person in numerous ways. It is not possible to describe the real feelings that I have about this. My girlfriend whom I have been craving to see for such a long time now, and with whom I had a very difficult time reconnecting when I got back reached out in the morning to me yesterday. From then on, days that went with me actually missing all of my friends and being lonely as a result just like that were replenished. Yesterday, I got a chance not only to meet her, but also go to the city with another girlfriend of mine and facilitating a reunion of that girlfriend with my sister as well. So all in all, life is just awesome like that. You wish for something with good intentions and put out into the universe. Then you must be open to receive when it is given. I got my girlfriends and our candid and soulful talks, a wonderful time with my sister and friends in the city I like at times, as a result. Gratitude.

As with A* I will just in the same fashion take it day by day, moment by moment. Sadness and small joys as it comes. Life happens for a reason.

 

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Fear is trumping. I sense such good inner vibes of strength and calmness in me. Fear is a bad wolf which should not be invited to any dinners; really avoid at all costs. I suppose fearlessness with humility and trust in the Universe is a healing power which I chose to cultivate instead.

I would say I am poor, yet I do not starve. My health insurance is soon to be gone, yet I see venues to have the care I nee right now.

I said something very frank to my mother this morning. That we don’t have and never really did have much to talk about in general but it doesn’t mean I hate her. It is just how our relationship over the years unraveled. I am really learning to be content with that.

There are themed entries I would love to write about my experience in Berlin from my perspective which encompasses a very intricate self-identity. And another one on hair. My hair journey.

Now on to the daily tasks. These are mental notes for drafts.

Now

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Serving others (with gratitude and hunger) Serves Me

Another day has already begun. Days can begin with heavy thoughts and sensations sometime, but then you can re-focus on what is more important and the weight becomes less burdensome. I think this is called maturity or Divine Timing in people’s lives, when we can recognize these things from having paid attention to life’s daily lessons.

Also, today some years ago a very special woman was born. She grew to touch the lives of many and also my own. Today as always I extend my love to her through the distance of time and space as she is far away in Germany. I am grateful for her being and being in my life from an early age. Happy Birthday Susichka. You are a friend, a mother, a muse, a source of strength, joy, inspiration, and aspiration in my life. I am infinitely grateful for you in this world and your genuine spirit which you share so generously.

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“Giving to others through service is simply recognizing what you do best in any given moment and offering that as a gift to someone else.”

As the day goes on I will carry on today’s mediation core lesson “Serving others serves me.” Yes, this is my prayer. Always has been and I know will continue on to  however long my life will continue to go on. How do you serve you ask? By being yourself. Yes, by being the authentic, real genuine you. Understanding your own unique talent and sharing that with others. Are you a great hug giver, listener, mathematician, singer, writer, lover, cleaner and many other things? Yes, I am sure you are. I know I am a very loving, dedicated, genuinely sincere person who is imperfect and finds perfection in that. I see the imperfections of others too and love them dearly. I am blessed to have my doubts, confidence, fears, hopes and gratitude. I always have been and am hungry to exchange, share, give and receive. These things and more. Finding my purpose sharing it with others and receiving from the universe. That is me.

Today is the last day with my hair as well. A new journey is going to begin tomorrow. One of the best compliments I received was yesterday which went like this “You like change, I can see that in you.” Yes I embrace change and am on a continuous journey to embrace change without fear but pure anticipation and gratitude that it always brings, while being my authentic self.

I wish you all a wondrous day. In spite of dull and tough moments during the day which are bound to happen remember (and I will do the same very consciously and actively, I promise to myself); we can serve by simply and most importantly being the real wonderful ourselves, which we already are and can continue to uncover for as long as we are breathing in this world. And recognizing those whom we love and admire is a gift and yet another service which we receive. I am deeply grateful for everything.

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