Where is life spear heading to? Like for real? The glossy Instagram photos of people I follow is sometimes overwhelming. I mean I am balancing overwhelming senses and controlled calmness each time I a looking at these IG statuses.

Last night I had an active dream of being lost inside a building while unable and being not helped by people to find a path to get over to the next building it was connected to in my dream. The passage way was nowhere to be found. When I woke up this morning I googled some interpretations of being lost in a dream were. The common thread is that they represent experiencing anxiety and feeling at a crossroads, or lost in life. Check mark right there for me indeed.

Gone are the good old days of my free spirit self. Anyways, I’m rusty and the weather is bipolar around these bits too.


Breathe and F+* Bomb

You know when you are overwhelmed with the life you have? Yes that is really a thing. When you accumulate experiences and hit that new decade and then you stumble on going forward. Yes, that is also a real thing. How did I end up dicing and chopping for 7 hours a day? Well I suppose it’s life choices, caught up societal structures, and part mix of destiny. Climbing socio-economic ladder is a real thing. Prejudice, discrimination and systemic racism are also a real thing. Journey of immigrant refugee is a real thing also. Hurtful relationships that leave marks are all real too. I suppose all of it is real. And that time is a very unforgiving and moving factor is also oh so real too. Can’t go back. Present is real. Future is imagined and not guaranteed.

Why isn’t my hair coming back the way it was? Why do I have thoughts that are not serving me kindness? Why can’t I seem to force myself into my imagined “past happy self”? Changes. Accumulated experiences.

Sometimes I feel like I am living outside of my consciousnesses. Like, things are happening and have happened to me, but I am only gradually understanding that they did in fact happen, and they do in fact affect me.

I have a partner. A good partner. A partner that listens, encourages and sees my spark which I suppose I have also allowed to get dimmed. Strange. I know he has his own difficulties….I hope they are not bigger than mine to be honest. I can’t carry a load for someone else to be honest. My own is a soulfull to overcome it feels.

I have so many thoughts as I dice and chop at work that today I had to leave. Right on time. Just like that. Finish shift, done what was done, and out of the door. My thoughts swirling in my mind, accumulating like those avocados, I need to write. I need to write better. To learn to express myself better to speak my own narrative. To tell MY story on MY terms.

Yesterday I had the honor of meeting Ms. Sybrina Fulton, the surviving mother of Trayvon Martin. She has a book Rest in Power – she tells her own narrative, her own life story and speaks for her murdered son from a perspective of a mother who birthed and nurtured this precious young man who was killed by hatered. I realize now that at the time of his murder and the followed state sanction injustice in trial, I was not as aware of the systemic racism of America yet as I was still floating in my own safety bubbles. What a different understanding I have now really. And knowledge too. The knowledge that is kept from us by the same state that is still unable to process that our oppression will not continue to be accepted. Our ancestors have empowered us an continue to empower us to rise up and will continue to see us forward until the giants fully grasp that no your racism will NOT be our norm. Ms. Fulton echoed Ms. Mamie Till joining her path of bereaved mother. How sick is that? The legacy of white American violence to be precise.

Good breathes. Seemingly no F+% bombs dropped.


I’m Back

Though really I have written just in different places and spaces. Just went browsing down below to read my previous posts. It’s been a while. Like nearly 4 years while. In that time I have written in other spaces, the most prolonged one being my Peace Corps journals which have now vanished. Gratitude (with sarcasm and a sense of wanting to beat someone up) is given to the forces and circumstances which have led to their loss. Last August en route from Ghana to Berlin. I’m sure the customs at Tegel has enjoyed my private thoughts…fick dich (whoever) for enjoying them. Anyways, no need to get too much into that mood.

I haven’t written in ages online really. I think I’ve written a post not too long ago maybe in November of 2016 on one of my older blogs, but honestly I doubt I’ll go back to that site again. It carries too much of the past. Though my memory might not be too good, and this I do not say lightly, it truly is troubling when I’m exceptionally honest with myself, the point to which I recognize how short my memory is on things – it’s well alarming. Probably something I should look into checking while I have my health insurance before this new American regime continues it’s extermination and terrorization of my Brown existance. It’s the era of resistance. Anyways, it feels good to write actually. It really does.

Also while browsing through some emails an inspiration came to mind. I want to find a creative way to share and explore for myself my 1 year and 9 months in West Africa. A tumultuous experience really which ended in a way of being tossed away…. Perhaps a photo exhibition – with music….Ein Fotoausstellung…..something like that? Yeah? Yeah? I think I should do that….

Art and creativity heal after all, don’t they?


“Я люблю свою жену. Моя жена умерла.” – And Love for Words & Written Expression

An absolutely short post because I have to run to do stuff yet again! No complaints here I am fortunate and grateful for all in my life’s journey.

This is the kind of love I love and why I believe in the power of written expression

“Я люблю свою жену. Моя жена умерла.”




The typos in my previous post will remain. They are funny actually. Moving along.

Some wisdom tidbits from yesterday “Divine timing – things happen at the right time” and “You are where you are supposed to be. ” And a thought that was in my head about the past……”I am where are am supposed to be and things went with the flow. The last night I spent the time with my ex was just like that. It felt amazing, being serene and calm, not the entire evening but there was a continuous moment when this was going on for – maybe a couple of hours or so. It was very foreign to me feeling this kind of inner peace and dynamic. Maybe I will talk about it some other day. Will you visit me in my dreams today A. ?

It is already Sunday morning. The earliest minutes of the last day of this week. It is already October 27 and November of 2013 is waiting to come out of the corner. Nearly 2 months ago (well we are getting there) I came back after one of the most trans formative experiences of my life. My life in Germany and a very influential and cherished time in Africa. On the 12 of September I finally arrived back in America. It was a long way, not the plane flight itself because that was the quickest part of it all, but booking the ticket and summing the courage to tie up the ends of my life abroad – now that was not easy. Numbers, time, life, moments……

These days I feel the changes. The inner changes in me – I have really stepped through the coveted doors of adulthood. Which is what I really wanted to reach. The inner changes in me are very evident to myself. I can feel, sense, and nearly touch my inner development into the me that I want to be. Catching myself when I am out of line and do not exhibit that which I really am…like the awful frustration that I felt on Friday morning due to some uncontrollable by me factors. I really did go off for several minutes, even maybe for an hour venting my frustration and jamming seemingly unconnected aspects of my life under the same umbrella in order to vent it all out. There was correlation though but not all very objective In the end I felt better but not without a price of having had an audience which might not truly understand that even in my venting mode, I could have a very healthy post self-analysis; part of it being reinforcing it here. I hope my sister will not judge me too much for that Friday moment.

So I just want to have it for the record for myself that I have some fascinating thoughts at times. In which I think of things in an unrestricted way, free and daring. But those moments are not everlasting…though they should be.

Last words before sleep then. Borrowed.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”


Falling in Love with You

Each day is jam-packed with events, emotions, situations everything and nothing in between. Still listening to Laura Mvula’s She don’t Stop. She sounds like a woman with an angelic voice of uplifting strength to me. There really is something self uplifting when you focus on gratitude.

I recall the first month when I realized what the “break up” meant. That really it was over for one person in the relationship. I was still in Berlin – I was ready to run with my tail under my legs because I thought I did not have the strength to stay in a city that has not been always so warm and welcoming. At times I find it too pretentious and too hip for me; plus we were living in the same neighborhood with him and it was something that felt like a slap in my soul with a lash to not be able to take the same familiar routes. Because walking on the same streets was hardly easy….that’s the time when I got to know the whole other side of my neighborhood. Neuköln became a refuge. But the focus here is gratitude….

Right at that time my sister from afar proposed that I do the 21 days of guided meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra. I tuned in each morning to listen, reflect, to be still, to remain silent. I always wanted to try meditation (I’ve done it before – but not sure it was the “correct way”), and I actually like guidance when I do things for the first time and encouragement is something that helps me to keep going too. With several sessions I started to notice the shift from being “sad” to embracing “gratitude” rather quickly. I started to feel compassion, inner strength, humbleness, forgiveness, happiness in spite of a very dark cloud – my emotional pallet expanded to embracing positivism instead of being smoldered in pain. Those 21 days of meditation I would say, saved me from going into a crippling depression if I may be bold to declare this now. It was very healing. It really offered a new perspective, a shift and showed me that my capacity for compassion is greater than I had even thought. One day even I produced a very touching and powerful letter to him which came from a place of peace and uplifting of his soul too even though he was the cause of my unwelcomed sadness. Gratitude…such a compound word and feeling. It is probably one of the most positive aspects of life. It heals, uplifts, shifts, humbles, it comforts and gives.

I think that this is the time really for me to get to know better who I am and tweak myself into being who I want to be. I don’t like the feeling of envy, occasional rigidness and coldness that I have, the insecurities that do not help but in fact mask my gentleness and love, there is much more strength in my soul and greater propensity to hug you than give you a stern look. The meditation period really began the self-reflection phase for me. And it helped me cope and begin healing. I am so grateful for the fact that it existed and that my sister shared it with me. That is why I did not run away from Berlin, but instead I invested in the time to heal so that I did not leave with regrets that could last a lifetime. I am still shy to go back to the city though, yes I will not pretend otherwise. But someday I will go back fully embraced by my self-love that will be more confident than any stern looks or intimidating streets….I will for sure. Because I dared greatly to be down on my knees, to sleep lonely, to face the pain, and to accept the arms of gratitude which were waiting for me to give me a warm embrace and bright colors of self-love. And this is a daily journey. A self-aware choice to not stop going in this direction.

Are you grateful today? Have you put on your coat of gratitude? It is one of the best jackets that can warm your whole being. Try it out.

And Laura – what a lovely song yet again. Lyrics are gold sprinkles in my ear.


Always forging forward while living in the present moment

So here I begin. At last after simmering the idea of carving out my yet another space to write – I finally did it. It’s here. It’s breathing and waiting patiently for me to fill it up with my thoughts as I candidly chronicle them out of my heart’s desire. I like it. It’s time.

Today’s greatest achievements have been many, but the biggest pleasure came yet again from acquiring books and a dance C.D. I guess it really was all meant to be yesterday as I drove home from work, after participating in a scheduled “sobriety checkpoint” and being unable to buy some fast food. It was late and more importantly it saved me all the money that I need to buy nearly 8 books and 2 DVD’s at today’s library sale. Bliss. I like this a lot; acquisition of books, which to me are the real intellectual property.

I believe in life filled with gratitude. And I am thankful for everything and everyone I have.


And on this note not sound too pretentious for the moment, this will be enough for my first post.