I don’t like some words. Particularly any words that use “Black” in them to mean negative/bad things. Words that don’t encompass what really is going on. Words that strip an emotional element from reality. So I will use the following words then. Things end. Directions end. Choices once made end. Certain aspects of relationships end. There it goes its the progression of the end then. That’s the present moment.
Where is life spear heading to? Like for real? The glossy Instagram photos of people I follow is sometimes overwhelming. I mean I am balancing overwhelming senses and controlled calmness each time I a looking at these IG statuses.
Last night I had an active dream of being lost inside a building while unable and being not helped by people to find a path to get over to the next building it was connected to in my dream. The passage way was nowhere to be found. When I woke up this morning I googled some interpretations of being lost in a dream were. The common thread is that they represent experiencing anxiety and feeling at a crossroads, or lost in life. Check mark right there for me indeed.
Gone are the good old days of my free spirit self. Anyways, I’m rusty and the weather is bipolar around these bits too.
“Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart. ” —Native American Proverb
Last couple of days have been not easy. At all. Usually this happens a week before my period kicks in. An emotional prelude engulfs me. This time though this is not the case. I know why I am feeling this way now. The meditation really digs in and everything around just becomes that much more intense.
I embody the notion that 20’s are a time of profound self-exploration. I hope many chose to do this in their lives and not waste this precious period in their lives. I am a living proof of that. I have never been shy of recognizing my uniqueness (but nor a stranger to forgetting it at times) in that I have always sought to figure out who is it that I am and what is it that I am born to do? My purpose and personal truth in other words. The biggest change over the years has been in that I have realized that there is not only one or the other: we are made to discover ourselves and also build ourselves into the beings we want to be and are. Many of the enlightened people in this world define these things differently. Recently Paulo Cuelho’s words on Personal Legends, World’s Biggest Lie, Soul of the World, and a reminder that “when you want something all of Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” have been reinforcing the many lessons I have been learning in my life’s journey and continue to learn. I finally got around to reading The Alchemist. It is my reading companion at the moment. Something tells me that this book will be re-read by me many more times after I finish the first round.
A relationship with yourself is the core for everything. The way we love ourselves will trickle into how we love others. I am a ferocious lover who gives shamelessly while exposing myself to being vulnerable. I believe in myself at the core, my soul believes in my true self. What a blessing. I watched Oprah’s interview with Tina Turner and Patti Labelle a while back and both of them said they have always believed in themselves in spite of many trials and tribulations. I am picking up my pieces of last year’s and this year’s event.
I do not indulge in other people’s sorrows nor do I need to use people in any way to uplift me. I hope to master the art of genuine forgiveness. I do though reach out when I need to feel the love and support. I did today. And the Universe also reached out to me too. From Germany and from America. A girl is blessed.
And it is officially November 20th. Another day live, how can I not be grateful?
I give gratitude in my “Gratitude Journal.” One of the best advice I can give you this year is to start jotting down someplace specific things you are grateful for. It is amazing for the Soul, Body, and Mind.
Sometimes I am tempted to get a palm reading. I like to flirt with the idea that it is actually possible to look into the future before living it. It sure would have been an
My sister did have a good counter point to this idea though. What if an “idea” from such reading is injected into my psyche and I become obsessed with it? It wouldn’t be an organic way of thinking afterwards I think too, but then again it could be useful. Well at least getting some answers or insight on not specifically the future but at least some answers about the past. But then again the past is long gone, far, far, far away it is. Sometimes this is very prominent in my thinking when I try to recollect some childhood events. It seems fuzzy now having grown up in two very different countries with two different identities. I had a random memory right now, that I think I used to journal or I would say write sporadically even when I was about 9 or so….back in Moscow. I think. See it’s fuzzy so many years have passed now. 16 years in total. That’s a long time huh? So much has happened in all those years. Chapters closed and opened. Identities left behind and new ones being constructed…something like that. Anyways, maybe I will do a reading of some sort someday.
My mood is a bit nostalgic and there might be small traces of sadness clogged in my throat. Maybe some tears want to be shed, maybe I am just sensitive, well I always am that’s me. Ok well I dragged on writing this and still listening to Sarah as I am writing this – well some waterworks are fighting to come out a little. But it’s ok, this is me being authentic with myself. This mood though is also brought about by the changing season I think. After I comeback from Berlin, which was already grey and fall like, it was still warm here for weeks. In the past couple of days though it is becoming evident that winter is around the corner. Well at lest the cold winds of fall are here to stay. That’s that.
Think I’ll make a pause here for now. There were thoughts and I’m glad to just write this for now. There is really no one else like me or you other there. We each are a unique versions of ourselves. I am glad we can relate to each other, that’s essential to connections, but we also need to fully embrace our individual uniqueness and accept that fully. I am me and you are you. That’s it for now. My morning writing session has come to an end.
Things I don’t fancy about myself include:
My day started like this today, catching a glimpse of my bus stop a I waited for the bus to head on to some business.
It’s wet and cold these days but life is still beautiful. Remember that no matter what.
Before heading out I wrote out these pages.
I know the last line might be silly. But still I love myself in the most unselfish and needed way. I care nothing for the typos either.
So here I begin. At last after simmering the idea of carving out my yet another space to write – I finally did it. It’s here. It’s breathing and waiting patiently for me to fill it up with my thoughts as I candidly chronicle them out of my heart’s desire. I like it. It’s time.
Today’s greatest achievements have been many, but the biggest pleasure came yet again from acquiring books and a dance C.D. I guess it really was all meant to be yesterday as I drove home from work, after participating in a scheduled “sobriety checkpoint” and being unable to buy some fast food. It was late and more importantly it saved me all the money that I need to buy nearly 8 books and 2 DVD’s at today’s library sale. Bliss. I like this a lot; acquisition of books, which to me are the real intellectual property.
I believe in life filled with gratitude. And I am thankful for everything and everyone I have.
And on this note not sound too pretentious for the moment, this will be enough for my first post.