Sat. Chit. Ananda. – Life in a Concious State

Yes I have to learn to sleep better. Well the night before I sort of got a bit overjoyed with dancing and watching my very cherished recorded shows. I succumb to watching very few hours of television which I have with years increasingly abandoned. I am ferociously selective about what I spend my time on watch. These days it is the OWN network, with Super Soul Sunday talks, and random but very enriching selections of shows. Conclusions from last night: I must take on dance lessons or rent a studio to simply go and dance occasionally, Ms. Patty Labelle is amazing and Black Girls and Women Rock. And most importantly I am beyond blessed to have been born a brown woman. Period. My exploration of self and femininity has been tremendously enriched by millions of daily events and happenings. I am infinitely blessed. Needless to say one thing led to another and I stayed up way too long and did not get proper sleep. Yet it was all worth it.

Then dreams were strange too, but their strangeness no longer alarms me. I have a vivid imaginations to say the least. I think there was a robbery involved, potentially a scene from my last relationship and something else. The memory is already faded. I woke up twice, hit the alarm twice more and woke up 20 minutes in time for my bus ride to work. So I thought….of course the notoriously reliable bus has left 10 or so minutes before it’s scheduled time. My day began with a bump. I got a ride to the next bus and hopped on gladly. I cherish this moment of stillness and reflection that bus rides offer. Call me strange, but I find therapy in this.

On the bus ride, there was an intense moment of feeling life in a very conscious way going on when I was caught by a little girl looking at me. We smiled at each other and felt serene. My thoughts then took me to gratitude. I sincerely felt my powerfulness in being awake to what living means. Being in the present, free from the past, and un-expecting of the future. Of course I believe in striving to and having a goal for the future, but how it unveils should not be suffocated by our expectations. I felt all that and more and some tears just dripped for a moment. My consciousness and self felt intense sense of serenity, gratitude, and humbleness by everything around. The people on the bus, the views out of the windows, the going to work, the struggles, the optimism, the gift of life and my personal greatness. I am so powerful, not in a pompous way but in a way that should be utterly acknowledged first and foremost by myself. Work began with many bumps today but at the end of the day and as I am writing with the laptop in my laps way past my bedtime; I am still eternally grateful for everything.

I should sleep now. Meditation day 4 will usher me into sleep and in a few hours my first gig as an ESOL teacher.

 

Namaste.

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On Loving Me

At nights when it’s time to sleep I cry sometimes. This also happens in daylight…but often times I can hide it pretty well. I think it was the night before last that I woke up in the middle of sleep, everything was still pitch black and my pillow was wet yet again. I cried on the way to waking up – the moment when you are leaving the dream land and entering full consciousness. At the moment it was soaked again with tears and whispers of self affirmations to console the soul. I was gently calming my crying self by laying there and quickly finding the soothing words… “you will love again”, “you are not seeking self perfection”, “you will open up your heart again and be loved and love too”, “you are on a quest and your soul needs this”, “it is ok to let yourself cry….”

It helped to calm me down and I think I even fell asleep again. This is so raw to recall. The tears come daily at most random moments while in my mind thousands of overlapping thoughts, conclusions, recollection, and connections swirl in momentary circles. It doesn’t help either when sleep time is turbulent¬† I don’t fancy sleep time now. It is often at this time that I can’t really control the dream land’s movie reel. It plays out scripts and feelings follow.

I need this time though I feel it. To build confidence and self awareness. A time to heal and more importantly to grow alone. I am sad quite often yes, but it is really ok. I really need to grow in my confidence and self love. That is why my

This is still not complete. I alone am not yet complete.

I am learning to love me in all forms, moods, failures, shapes, with all kinds of thoughts. Learning to love myself at all times.

“She don’t stop”

 

 

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