I woke up this morning not really realizing if I had slept at all. It was a strange feeling that is not easy to explain to say the least. I think I slept relatively well and I think I had a dream, but I am not certain because it could have also been just a prolonged thought and not a real dream. Either way I could not reconstruct it back and there is a void.
I had a moment last evening of looking at myself in the mirror and particularly looking myself in the eyes. Did you know that it is not easy to keep a gaze on yourself for a long time. By long time I mean at least up to half a minute or so. It was difficult I might have gotten to 20 seconds I think. Either way it was a reflective moment in which I watched myself shed some tears for myself. Or something like that. I think I have a somehow long way to go to self acceptance, forgiveness, full embrace of myself and self love. All of the things that I have seemingly thought I had under control or in the bag sort of speak. In reality there is still some work to be done. I thought of writing down the exact thoughts right after but as usual life took its own course and that moment evaporated too quickly to be captured right away. I write in reflection now what I can reassemble.
Back to this morning then. As I am sitting here on the couch which also functions as my bed while I am floating my life around two households, I am literally trying to recall how I thought moments ago about life. Let’s try. I think I was born with an existential question on my mind. Ever since I call recall myself I have always wondered about “why am I here, who am I, and what am I here to fulfill ?” As a small child, as a teen, and now as an adult these questions in one way or another have always remained constants on my mind. In a way thought I have also been a snob who thought, and at times still thinks, is superior to others because I am fully aware that affecting others and being affected by others is a responsibility and a sort of choice…..something like that. But actually I am humble and accept that I have some serious things I need to deal with regarding to myself, and I am and never have been interested in bringing anyone down to feel better about myself. This I also remember about myself since I have the first memory of this self that I talk about so much.
Do you realize that we are required to perform in this life ? Is that not scary actually? To grasp that we are going to be affected by others and affect others even if we do not actively want to. This has been meditated about before…. “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”
Also a seasoning thought from a few days now is the realization that a “woman who is in touch with herself is actually a powerful force”. As a woman I can really only speak of the femaile experience when talking about this thought because I am one and undergoing the “female role” while performing in this lifetime. Yes, something like that. This is something to keep in mind because perhaps it applies to the humankind experience as a whole too. That when you know who you are then you attract the energy that is associated with this as well; and that includes certain people too who are in touch with their inner selves…….and powerhouses attracting powerhouses could be a mega force all together. A different experience of life. Ok, the thought and my ability to write about it is kind of becoming bullshit I think I’ll stop on this right now.
Is it all a coincidence that today’s first meditation topic is “”Who am I?”. Or I am intuitive to these things and should just no longer be marveled every time sense the upcoming things? Or is it all a coincidence as is all of life ?
Day one of the 21 Day Meditation Challenge then. Excerpts from the email message.
Welcome to our 21-Day Experience, Desire & Destiny! We are delighted and honored that you are joining us, as together we expand our understanding of ourselves and we open to the magnificent lives we are meant to live—our destinies.
Our deepest, most heartfelt desires are like stars in a constellation
. . . brilliant, twinkling lights that show us the way and create pathways to our true destinies. It is our soul’s mission to connect with, cherish, and realize our desires in order to live our lives to the fullest and make our greatest contributions to the world. In fulfilling our heart-held dreams we flourish, serving ourselves and others from a place of bliss, generosity, and love. Our journey starts at the beginning, in the center, as we go within to listen to our deepest truth.
Our centering thought for today is:
I am my deepest desire.
Today is a new beginning, the first step on a very special journey. Along the way there will be new sights to see and concepts to learn. As you travel through this day, take time to acknowledge yourself and celebrate your choice to live mindfully and wholeheartedly! With your mind and heart open, you are creating the space to manifest the life of your dreams.