Choosing to live life mindfully and wholeheartedly – Desire & Destiny

I woke up this morning not really realizing if I had slept at all. It was a strange feeling that is not easy to explain to say the least. I think I slept relatively well and I think I had a dream, but I am not certain because it could have also been just a prolonged thought and not a real dream. Either way I could not reconstruct it back and there is a void.

I had a moment last evening of looking at myself in the mirror and particularly looking myself in the eyes. Did you know that it is not easy to keep a gaze on yourself for a long time. By long time I mean at least up to half a minute or so. It was difficult I might have gotten to 20 seconds I think. Either way it was a reflective moment in which I watched myself shed some tears for myself. Or something like that. I think I have a somehow long way to go to self acceptance, forgiveness, full embrace of myself and self love. All of the things that I have seemingly thought I had under control or in the bag sort of speak. In reality there is still some work to be done. I thought of writing down the exact thoughts right after but as usual life took its own course and that moment evaporated too quickly to be captured right away. I write in reflection now what I can reassemble.

Back to this morning then. As I am sitting here on the couch which also functions as my bed while I am floating my life around two households, I am literally trying to recall how I thought moments ago about life. Let’s try. I think I was born with an existential question on my mind. Ever since I call recall myself I have always wondered about “why am I here, who am I, and what am I here to fulfill ?” As a small child, as a teen, and now as an adult these questions in one way or another have always remained constants on my mind. In a way thought I have also been a snob who thought, and at times still thinks, is superior to others because I am fully aware that affecting others and being affected by others is a responsibility and a sort of choice…..something like that. But actually I am humble and accept that I have some serious things I need to deal with regarding to myself, and I am and never have been interested in bringing anyone down to feel better about myself. This I also remember about myself since I have the first memory of this self that I talk about so much. 

Do you realize that we are required to perform in this life ? Is that not scary actually? To grasp that we are going to be affected by others and affect others even if we do not actively want to. This has been meditated about before…. “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”  

Also a seasoning thought from a few days now is the realization that a “woman who is in touch with herself is actually a powerful force”. As a woman I can really only speak of the femaile experience when talking about this thought because I am one and undergoing the “female role” while performing in this lifetime. Yes, something like that. This is something to keep in mind because perhaps it applies to the humankind experience as a whole too. That when you know who you are then you attract the energy that is associated with this as well; and that includes certain people too who are in touch with their inner selves…….and powerhouses attracting powerhouses could be a mega force all together. A different experience of life. Ok, the thought and my ability to write about it is kind of becoming bullshit I think I’ll stop on this right now. 

Is it all a coincidence that today’s first meditation topic is “”Who am I?”. Or I am intuitive to these things and should just no longer be marveled every time sense the upcoming things? Or is it all a coincidence as is all of life ?

 Day one of the 21 Day Meditation Challenge then. Excerpts from the email message.


Welcome to our 21-Day Experience, Desire & Destiny! We are delighted and honored that you are joining us, as together we expand our understanding of ourselves and we open to the magnificent lives we are meant to live—our destinies.

Our deepest, most heartfelt desires are like stars in a constellation
. . . brilliant, twinkling lights that show us the way and create pathways to our true destinies. It is our soul’s mission to connect with, cherish, and realize our desires in order to live our lives to the fullest and make our greatest contributions to the world. In fulfilling our heart-held dreams we flourish, serving ourselves and others from a place of bliss, generosity, and love. Our journey starts at the beginning, in the center, as we go within to listen to our deepest truth.

Our centering thought for today is:

I am my deepest desire.



Today is a new beginning, the first step on a very special journey. Along the way there will be new sights to see and concepts to learn. As you travel through this day, take time to acknowledge yourself and celebrate your choice to live mindfully and wholeheartedly! With your mind and heart open, you are creating the space to manifest the life of your dreams.



Waking up

I just woke up from a nap after feeling extremely tired. I think I have not really slept very well in days now. On Tuesday I was an election officer and slept for about 4 hours before reporting to duty at 5:00 am after an 8 hour shift at my job. It was an exciting day but with a surge of an energy level that went up and down. I think I have been tired since then. I do need to sleep better though, this is nothing new to me. 

I just woke up a few moments ago and sat up on my bed with a sense of need to reflect on “what if we lived our lives with a deeply rooted knowledge and confidence that everything would work out?” That all the things that we are doubtful of would literally work out and be clear as if a red carpet to walk on was laid in front of us to walk on with utter confidence?” And we took our steps on it with the assurance and unwavering faith that things will make sense one way or another. All the doubts that we had just would be answered therefore we should walk with confidence in everything we do. What if…???

I think of him very often. I think of him maybe too often, though who is to say? I admitted to myself that I am not ready to date or develop interest in any new men because I need to take as however long as I need to do whatever it is that I need to do. I am awry about putting a label on this process because it would reduce it to something too simplified and too small. I do miss intimacy in it’s various forms. Sexual too but I also know that I was never interested in sex for the sake of sex. My sexuality peaks in it’s form, reflection, and style when I am with a person for whom I have a strong emotional interest and a connection to. This is my style of intimacy, more than physical penetration basically. I like to melt in emotion and I am unapologetic about that either. 

You know I am on a mission, on a quest, on a journey. People can call it many ways. I have always been the kind of person that is a seeker of some truth that is there and must be found. The truth about myself, the truth about my life, the truth about this journey. That is who I am. Unapologetic seeker of this truth. In recent years I realized also that the truth really is internal. Our true selves are within us, our true life reveals itself from the discovery and upbringing this “self” is ours to make. That we are responsible for our happiness and lives and fulfillment. This one though, I somehow had known from an early age. I think right this moment though, I am startled by the sense that maybe I am developing some sense of fearlessness which then will lead to the “freedom” to be myself. Maybe? I don’t really know. Maybe this is my pep-talk to myself or something like that. It is astonishing to realize the urgency of it all though, because we live only one lifetime. Only one time we live this particular life. Only once we are this person (ever evolving person at that) undergoing this particular journey. 

When I have children, if I am blessed with this in my lifetime I want to teach them if only by showing some core things. To love themselves, be authentic and strong in that, have faith in themselves and love for themselves to share with others, to seek gratitude, calmness, confidence, peace and to be able to learn these things because you as a parent embody this and they look up to you for affirmation and example. That is why I cannot have children yet, that is why I say I am not ready yet because I am still questing to embody these things myself. I felt the need to write this out to have clarity on where I stand on this in lieu of conversations on motherhood and parenting that have been taking these days with my sister and aunt. I like candid conversations that leave you with realizations on where you stand and want to go.

I think this is it for now.



For days now a possible posts have been brewing in my mind drafts of which have been patiently sitting in my blog’s storage. A life of a fruitfully thinking girl I suppose. The thoughts are endless and in a good way. Unfortunately, a bit of a delusion might have settled in as well with the coming cold which is attacking my immune system. If there is one “illness” I particularly unwelcome because it seems to me that it can definitely be avoided is anything related to catching the flu. But I am still well and grateful and will get better in no time. This is just a reminder to take better care of health. In the meantime I will blow my nose gently and drink plenty of fluids. Period.

This week my sister’s boyfriend and his twin brother have celebrated their 30th birthdays. I am particularly close with my sister’s boyfriend because well, he is like a big brother to me and over the years he has been a great friend even as our relationship has been undergoing rough patches at different times and even continents. Yes I fancy his kind and stubborn spirit quite a lot. Of course I have joked and teased him about the “you are so old now” fact but also someplace in there I dropped in a “this is such a blessing to get to this age in life.”

Age – such an obsessive notion sometimes, especially when focusing on the “numbers” as opposed to “wisdom, all of the treasured experiences accumulated in those years, the self-development” etc., as opposed to the physical and outwardly meaning of what an older age is. The sheer ability to get to such an age is a miracle and a blessing on their own. Especially in this world when at 13 years old you can be shot with 7 bullets piercing through your body for carrying a toy gun. Yes guns are evil in my opinion too and I will leave that discussion at rest here. May your Soul rest in Peace little Andy. Yet this is the world we live in and it is a frightening place. It is cold, it is heartless, it is frightened, it is rigid and utterly filled with people making deadly mistakes because in my humble observation they have not done soul searching to find themselves; and instead their are the living zombies. I pray in all forms for the humankind to embrace at some point in each person’s life to live a life which Dares Greatly embracing vulnerability and imperfections while living wholeheartedly and courageously. Thank you Dr. Brené Brown for bringing this vision forward and up for discussion to all of us.

And then I am back to the topic of age again. My aunt shared on facebook an article about a 90 year old phenomenal woman by the name of Phyllis Sues who embraces every bit of life and embodies what for me is an exemplary approach to living with a mantra of “There is no age, it’s living each moment to it’s fullest.” Because in reality life really is “in itself is a challenge and you can either, accept it and take action, or you can sit and do nothing. And I am also in the camp of not sitting and waiting for life to happen to me in some mysterious way and reveal itself in some unrealistic nature, no life always moves on (until we die) and then the events and happenings during our lifetimes vary with each stage accordingly. So when I read Sues say “My advice is there is only one winner: accept the challenge, take action and get on with your life no matter what age.” I accept her words wholeheartedly. But she doesn’t just stop there to be inspiring either.

“I started my own fashion label at 50, became a musician and learned Italian and French in my 70s, took tango and trapeze at 80 and walked into my first yoga class at 85. So, if you think you’re old, think again!” Limitations in the mind are trivial to our inner capacity, ability to enjoy life, and embrace our individuality I believe.

And Sues continues on with these emotional punch lines “I have realized, that anything is possible, if you like who you are and what you do. Yes, anything is possible and even probable….I admit, I’m driven but I’m driven by desire and that’s the formula. Desire is so powerful, like you are propelled as if from a canon. Desire to me is the driving force, but action is the result.

Self exploration in fact has always been and always will be a staple of my character. And when I read of the reflections of people like Phyllis who have lived life, yes lived life in all of it’s forms and fully embrace what life is all about – my mind and soul find comfort and hope that even in spite of the coldhardheartedness of our humanity one can still embrace themselves and graciously live an authentic life in the midst of it all.

Happy Birthday Misha and Boris and thank you Phyllis Sues.

Ageless Aging


On Loving Me

At nights when it’s time to sleep I cry sometimes. This also happens in daylight…but often times I can hide it pretty well. I think it was the night before last that I woke up in the middle of sleep, everything was still pitch black and my pillow was wet yet again. I cried on the way to waking up – the moment when you are leaving the dream land and entering full consciousness. At the moment it was soaked again with tears and whispers of self affirmations to console the soul. I was gently calming my crying self by laying there and quickly finding the soothing words… “you will love again”, “you are not seeking self perfection”, “you will open up your heart again and be loved and love too”, “you are on a quest and your soul needs this”, “it is ok to let yourself cry….”

It helped to calm me down and I think I even fell asleep again. This is so raw to recall. The tears come daily at most random moments while in my mind thousands of overlapping thoughts, conclusions, recollection, and connections swirl in momentary circles. It doesn’t help either when sleep time is turbulent  I don’t fancy sleep time now. It is often at this time that I can’t really control the dream land’s movie reel. It plays out scripts and feelings follow.

I need this time though I feel it. To build confidence and self awareness. A time to heal and more importantly to grow alone. I am sad quite often yes, but it is really ok. I really need to grow in my confidence and self love. That is why my

This is still not complete. I alone am not yet complete.

I am learning to love me in all forms, moods, failures, shapes, with all kinds of thoughts. Learning to love myself at all times.

“She don’t stop”