Own it

For a few hours now a thought of regret, but not like self badgering kind, has been brewing in my mind. Why did I call this guy today? It is quite useless to be honest to have called him. Literally he rejected me and then I fought my way to find out why. Because a. I am a very curious person. b. I am honest in my emotions and intentions (of course here I am ever always improving upon making them as authentic as possible), and c. I was literally fed completely different signals from what was about to smack the living shiz out of me upon being told I was being dumped. Those are just a few things…also I would have never really hurt someone intentionally or deliberately, or in such a calculated way as I was at that time hurt.

I transgress, those things do not matter to be honest. I have suppressed a lot of my intuition when I was in that person and I don’t ever want to do that again. Frankly, after crying for the past 8 months. Four of which have been utterly non stop until just two days ago…I think this is rather out of character for me. The person is alive, thriving in their choices (yes which included dumping me), and

 

I do not want to change my freedom for anything and anyone at the moment. I do not wish to be tied down by any “romantic” relationship especially anything that would make me suppress my true self. I am learning about myself and I love this journey. I am so grateful the break up happened, and today I even feel that the fact that it happened in such a harsh way was a blessing rather than a crippling misfortune for me as I have previously thought. Yes, still I do not think it had to be so cruel as it was, but whatever I am able to look past this and appreciate the lessons that are still pouring in. Today at 12:2am I would have to say that I do not want to have a skype conversation with him on Friday or anytime soon for that matter. I do not really see the need and maybe I will forever miss something about him, yet the fact that it is broken…the bond was broken and our time on earth is limited and that person knows this too shows a lot. I have learned so much about my character, the source of where my jealousy has been coming from and what I need from my partner to help me with in order to cope with these things that clearly this person was a lesson rather than a means to an end in terms of who my partner should be. Something like that. I think the sheer preoccupation with this heartbreak and the person has been a little bit too excessive to be honest. And reaching out, wanting to say something…why? I don’t see the value in it as much as I did before. Not sure…to be honest, so what? It happened I am taking amazing lessons from it all and I would say I don’t really need this person in my life anymore…wow. I did just say that. I saw a light in him that he doesn’t see, but if my light is not seen and considered not essential I accept and move on.

This really is powerful and therapeutic for me to be able to verbalize and rationalize. And I know I might have ups and downs about this but honestly this is a great sense of maturity on my end. Embracing myself the way I come out at each and every moment.

Today is not Friday yet, and frankly there is no need to be bothered with the future. The present is the key, and I want to experience each and every emotion I have at each moment and honor it all.

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My first tattoo will be: “Happiness is an unlimited resource.” I think I want to do it in the languages I speak, or maybe just a combination of foreign letters. Not sure yet.

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Fear is trumping. I sense such good inner vibes of strength and calmness in me. Fear is a bad wolf which should not be invited to any dinners; really avoid at all costs. I suppose fearlessness with humility and trust in the Universe is a healing power which I chose to cultivate instead.

I would say I am poor, yet I do not starve. My health insurance is soon to be gone, yet I see venues to have the care I nee right now.

I said something very frank to my mother this morning. That we don’t have and never really did have much to talk about in general but it doesn’t mean I hate her. It is just how our relationship over the years unraveled. I am really learning to be content with that.

There are themed entries I would love to write about my experience in Berlin from my perspective which encompasses a very intricate self-identity. And another one on hair. My hair journey.

Now on to the daily tasks. These are mental notes for drafts.

Now

Aside

Choosing to live life mindfully and wholeheartedly – Desire & Destiny

I woke up this morning not really realizing if I had slept at all. It was a strange feeling that is not easy to explain to say the least. I think I slept relatively well and I think I had a dream, but I am not certain because it could have also been just a prolonged thought and not a real dream. Either way I could not reconstruct it back and there is a void.

I had a moment last evening of looking at myself in the mirror and particularly looking myself in the eyes. Did you know that it is not easy to keep a gaze on yourself for a long time. By long time I mean at least up to half a minute or so. It was difficult I might have gotten to 20 seconds I think. Either way it was a reflective moment in which I watched myself shed some tears for myself. Or something like that. I think I have a somehow long way to go to self acceptance, forgiveness, full embrace of myself and self love. All of the things that I have seemingly thought I had under control or in the bag sort of speak. In reality there is still some work to be done. I thought of writing down the exact thoughts right after but as usual life took its own course and that moment evaporated too quickly to be captured right away. I write in reflection now what I can reassemble.

Back to this morning then. As I am sitting here on the couch which also functions as my bed while I am floating my life around two households, I am literally trying to recall how I thought moments ago about life. Let’s try. I think I was born with an existential question on my mind. Ever since I call recall myself I have always wondered about “why am I here, who am I, and what am I here to fulfill ?” As a small child, as a teen, and now as an adult these questions in one way or another have always remained constants on my mind. In a way thought I have also been a snob who thought, and at times still thinks, is superior to others because I am fully aware that affecting others and being affected by others is a responsibility and a sort of choice…..something like that. But actually I am humble and accept that I have some serious things I need to deal with regarding to myself, and I am and never have been interested in bringing anyone down to feel better about myself. This I also remember about myself since I have the first memory of this self that I talk about so much. 

Do you realize that we are required to perform in this life ? Is that not scary actually? To grasp that we are going to be affected by others and affect others even if we do not actively want to. This has been meditated about before…. “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”  

Also a seasoning thought from a few days now is the realization that a “woman who is in touch with herself is actually a powerful force”. As a woman I can really only speak of the femaile experience when talking about this thought because I am one and undergoing the “female role” while performing in this lifetime. Yes, something like that. This is something to keep in mind because perhaps it applies to the humankind experience as a whole too. That when you know who you are then you attract the energy that is associated with this as well; and that includes certain people too who are in touch with their inner selves…….and powerhouses attracting powerhouses could be a mega force all together. A different experience of life. Ok, the thought and my ability to write about it is kind of becoming bullshit I think I’ll stop on this right now. 

Is it all a coincidence that today’s first meditation topic is “”Who am I?”. Or I am intuitive to these things and should just no longer be marveled every time sense the upcoming things? Or is it all a coincidence as is all of life ?

 Day one of the 21 Day Meditation Challenge then. Excerpts from the email message.

 

Welcome to our 21-Day Experience, Desire & Destiny! We are delighted and honored that you are joining us, as together we expand our understanding of ourselves and we open to the magnificent lives we are meant to live—our destinies.

Our deepest, most heartfelt desires are like stars in a constellation
. . . brilliant, twinkling lights that show us the way and create pathways to our true destinies. It is our soul’s mission to connect with, cherish, and realize our desires in order to live our lives to the fullest and make our greatest contributions to the world. In fulfilling our heart-held dreams we flourish, serving ourselves and others from a place of bliss, generosity, and love. Our journey starts at the beginning, in the center, as we go within to listen to our deepest truth.

Our centering thought for today is:

I am my deepest desire.

 

MINDFUL MOMENT

Today is a new beginning, the first step on a very special journey. Along the way there will be new sights to see and concepts to learn. As you travel through this day, take time to acknowledge yourself and celebrate your choice to live mindfully and wholeheartedly! With your mind and heart open, you are creating the space to manifest the life of your dreams.

 

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Falling in Love with You

Each day is jam-packed with events, emotions, situations everything and nothing in between. Still listening to Laura Mvula’s She don’t Stop. She sounds like a woman with an angelic voice of uplifting strength to me. There really is something self uplifting when you focus on gratitude.

I recall the first month when I realized what the “break up” meant. That really it was over for one person in the relationship. I was still in Berlin – I was ready to run with my tail under my legs because I thought I did not have the strength to stay in a city that has not been always so warm and welcoming. At times I find it too pretentious and too hip for me; plus we were living in the same neighborhood with him and it was something that felt like a slap in my soul with a lash to not be able to take the same familiar routes. Because walking on the same streets was hardly easy….that’s the time when I got to know the whole other side of my neighborhood. Neuköln became a refuge. But the focus here is gratitude….

Right at that time my sister from afar proposed that I do the 21 days of guided meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra. I tuned in each morning to listen, reflect, to be still, to remain silent. I always wanted to try meditation (I’ve done it before – but not sure it was the “correct way”), and I actually like guidance when I do things for the first time and encouragement is something that helps me to keep going too. With several sessions I started to notice the shift from being “sad” to embracing “gratitude” rather quickly. I started to feel compassion, inner strength, humbleness, forgiveness, happiness in spite of a very dark cloud – my emotional pallet expanded to embracing positivism instead of being smoldered in pain. Those 21 days of meditation I would say, saved me from going into a crippling depression if I may be bold to declare this now. It was very healing. It really offered a new perspective, a shift and showed me that my capacity for compassion is greater than I had even thought. One day even I produced a very touching and powerful letter to him which came from a place of peace and uplifting of his soul too even though he was the cause of my unwelcomed sadness. Gratitude…such a compound word and feeling. It is probably one of the most positive aspects of life. It heals, uplifts, shifts, humbles, it comforts and gives.

I think that this is the time really for me to get to know better who I am and tweak myself into being who I want to be. I don’t like the feeling of envy, occasional rigidness and coldness that I have, the insecurities that do not help but in fact mask my gentleness and love, there is much more strength in my soul and greater propensity to hug you than give you a stern look. The meditation period really began the self-reflection phase for me. And it helped me cope and begin healing. I am so grateful for the fact that it existed and that my sister shared it with me. That is why I did not run away from Berlin, but instead I invested in the time to heal so that I did not leave with regrets that could last a lifetime. I am still shy to go back to the city though, yes I will not pretend otherwise. But someday I will go back fully embraced by my self-love that will be more confident than any stern looks or intimidating streets….I will for sure. Because I dared greatly to be down on my knees, to sleep lonely, to face the pain, and to accept the arms of gratitude which were waiting for me to give me a warm embrace and bright colors of self-love. And this is a daily journey. A self-aware choice to not stop going in this direction.

Are you grateful today? Have you put on your coat of gratitude? It is one of the best jackets that can warm your whole being. Try it out.

And Laura – what a lovely song yet again. Lyrics are gold sprinkles in my ear.

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