Breathe and F+* Bomb

You know when you are overwhelmed with the life you have? Yes that is really a thing. When you accumulate experiences and hit that new decade and then you stumble on going forward. Yes, that is also a real thing. How did I end up dicing and chopping for 7 hours a day? Well I suppose it’s life choices, caught up societal structures, and part mix of destiny. Climbing socio-economic ladder is a real thing. Prejudice, discrimination and systemic racism are also a real thing. Journey of immigrant refugee is a real thing also. Hurtful relationships that leave marks are all real too. I suppose all of it is real. And that time is a very unforgiving and moving factor is also oh so real too. Can’t go back. Present is real. Future is imagined and not guaranteed.

Why isn’t my hair coming back the way it was? Why do I have thoughts that are not serving me kindness? Why can’t I seem to force myself into my imagined “past happy self”? Changes. Accumulated experiences.

Sometimes I feel like I am living outside of my consciousnesses. Like, things are happening and have happened to me, but I am only gradually understanding that they did in fact happen, and they do in fact affect me.

I have a partner. A good partner. A partner that listens, encourages and sees my spark which I suppose I have also allowed to get dimmed. Strange. I know he has his own difficulties….I hope they are not bigger than mine to be honest. I can’t carry a load for someone else to be honest. My own is a soulfull to overcome it feels.

I have so many thoughts as I dice and chop at work that today I had to leave. Right on time. Just like that. Finish shift, done what was done, and out of the door. My thoughts swirling in my mind, accumulating like those avocados, I need to write. I need to write better. To learn to express myself better to speak my own narrative. To tell MY story on MY terms.

Yesterday I had the honor of meeting Ms. Sybrina Fulton, the surviving mother of Trayvon Martin. She has a book Rest in Power – she tells her own narrative, her own life story and speaks for her murdered son from a perspective of a mother who birthed and nurtured this precious young man who was killed by hatered. I realize now that at the time of his murder and the followed state sanction injustice in trial, I was not as aware of the systemic racism of America yet as I was still floating in my own safety bubbles. What a different understanding I have now really. And knowledge too. The knowledge that is kept from us by the same state that is still unable to process that our oppression will not continue to be accepted. Our ancestors have empowered us an continue to empower us to rise up and will continue to see us forward until the giants fully grasp that no your racism will NOT be our norm. Ms. Fulton echoed Ms. Mamie Till joining her path of bereaved mother. How sick is that? The legacy of white American violence to be precise.

Good breathes. Seemingly no F+% bombs dropped.

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Fear is trumping. I sense such good inner vibes of strength and calmness in me. Fear is a bad wolf which should not be invited to any dinners; really avoid at all costs. I suppose fearlessness with humility and trust in the Universe is a healing power which I chose to cultivate instead.

I would say I am poor, yet I do not starve. My health insurance is soon to be gone, yet I see venues to have the care I nee right now.

I said something very frank to my mother this morning. That we don’t have and never really did have much to talk about in general but it doesn’t mean I hate her. It is just how our relationship over the years unraveled. I am really learning to be content with that.

There are themed entries I would love to write about my experience in Berlin from my perspective which encompasses a very intricate self-identity. And another one on hair. My hair journey.

Now on to the daily tasks. These are mental notes for drafts.

Now

Aside

Soulful Sunday

It was a rough evening yesterday. The kind where you are still harboring resentment towards your mother and then you scream it out and let her know that she never delivered in a way that you needed her to all your life. The laissze faire attitude towards parenting and lack of taking responsibility that the emotional well being of your child, no matter how old she is now, has something to do with your way of upbringing her which does and will affect her. I am not a mother and perhaps never will be but I am a child of one. There are always emotional footprints of all relationships we are part of. In any case, I do not feel all glorious about the way I said these things and would like to apologize for the delivery but still stand by what I think. I could have had a better mother if she only tried….

Besides that I think that we women have to deal with a lot of hormonal factors that affect our emotions on daily basis. I think my period is due very soon and I am yet again wrapped a bit by the emotional blanket of sometimes uncontrollable sensitivity and sadness. To top it all off perhaps I will never understand why this breakup had to be so painful. I think I could have learned my lessons in a way that was more soothing to the heart and had less toxicity. It just feels like garbage dumped into my heart, soul, and mind that could have also been thrown in a bin – because I like cleanliness and could have put things there calmly too. And the notion that people often say time heals all wounds actually never had a good taste in my mouth. Instead I can resonate better with that it does get easier as your self awareness and confidence grows during the time of healing. Because for me it has been already close to 5 months and some days seem like it was day one. Perhaps it is a combination of time, space, and personal development during this time that will heal everything. I know it is a process because I see and feel it all the time. There are triggers and sometimes factors beyond my own control that pull things backward or make a hold up – but overall I know there is constant progress because that is what I decided for myself I want. Going forward while living in the present and not being stuck and overwhelmed by the past. But this is work and requires, in my opinion a lot of vulnerability, what may seem sometimes crazy talks with yourself, some type of courage, a lot of gratitude and self forgiveness. Although there are a lot more elements in the healing soup – these are just a few. I’m working on it.

As life is uncontrollable and small things just happen to make you feel just a tab bit better; a few moments ago I opened my email browser and saw someone by the name “Robin” liked my blog. This persons shares the name of my first love and the young man that will forever mean so much to be that only my soul can speak of it while my words will utterly fail me. This is a small moment of gratitude to the universe for this random moment of positive and kind emotional relief.

It is Sunday. Next week promises to be as packed as I make it out to be. Though I only have one personal event (yes because I still plan on doing a hair chop soon), one volunteer initiative, training session for my tutoring certification and uggghhh yes 8 (minus one break) days of work straight. A moment here to pause and be grateful for everything once again in my life. I still have an active mind, an ache for continues personal development, dedication and devotion to causes greater than myself, zest for life, shelter, food, life! I have it all really. And I will heal and continue on this roller coaster of life until my time also comes to leave this universe.

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