11 minutes

So I did it. I called my A* (I hat the term “ex” so I will use his first initial from now on) who is all the way in Lueneburg or Magdeburg right now. I didn’t quite probe into the details of his whereabouts, but it was clear he was at Weihnachtsmarkt! Oh German Christmas markets, how I miss you. The sheer aura of Christmas being all around you…I miss that. It is utterly different here in D.C. – well I just quickly googled and apparently there is a Downtown Holiday Market which started on November 29 and will end on December 23. Umm lame, well kind of lame because a Christmas market should be kept up all day long and inject a true spirit of the winter holidays. I personally have not seen this market yet and seemingly won’t because it ends tomorrow at 8pm and I have to work at 6:00 so no way of getting there before hand. I must go to work today too. Anyway, I also youtubed the videos put up on this market in D.C. and actually they are featuring some very cool vendors, so there you have it. In any case, I like the authentic German Christmas Markets – they are aesthetically more beautiful. The spirit of the holiday is so much stronger in Germany from my personal observation. Or maybe being a child of a diaspora with a very mixed up traditional core contributes to my assessment of it all as well. I am sure that can’t be discounted.

Yes. I called my him. Every time I talk to my friends about my relationship with him, which happens very rarely since I have reduced my communication let alone talking about him with anyone ever since I came back from Europe, something happens. All over again. Well the feelings are always there but I do get influenced by what my friends say sometimes. Long after that momentum of a conversation expires, the influential bug remains. Also being a hormonal lady that I can be, sometimes I do take chances. I did take one this morning. Since yesterday I also got one more reinforcement of my belief that life should be accepted as is – I decided that one should face the fear and go for it. I mean he could not pick up, being that he is in Europe and then I wouldn’t have to talk to him. But he did. First he picked up and I realized he can’t hear me very well. He is so

Maybe I am like a little girl who is in love with a semi/big boy who is just a dream? Maybe when I was 24 I met my imperfect soulmate and he did not realize yet that I am his woman for life yet? Haha, maybe you should not take life so serious and nor yourself in it? It’s funny in a way, and I am smiling shyly now. Though in the past 4 months a ton of tears have been shed. I mean a TON! I smile now gently at myself, but there is something in meeting someone who influences you I guess. I was so shy when on the second attempt we finally could hear one another. Maybe this call will mean nothing to him as the day goes on, maybe it will tingle him a little bit in his heart ? I know for sure though that I know him in a way that I don’t think he even knows himself yet. Did I sound strange or “crazy” in that sentence? Maybe, but I don’t care! In fact I embrace what I feel and the way I think, period! After minor blah, blah, blah talk with awful communication signal, mainly because I don’t think he could hear me well – I summoned the courage to say “I miss you” and later on “we should skype next week”. He said “yes, sure when?”, and I responded in a hasty way because I didn’t know what else to say “let me look in my calendar…how about next Friday?” The response was “ok, I will shoot you an email for the time.” Something like that. It lasted all 11 minutes and 10 seconds. Sometimes being courageous and going with your gut feeling lasts that long. Embracing that moment in your daily life when you go for it.

I don’t think I want to be with him now, so I am not disillusioned by things like that. The break up helped me grow as a person in numerous ways. It is not possible to describe the real feelings that I have about this. My girlfriend whom I have been craving to see for such a long time now, and with whom I had a very difficult time reconnecting when I got back reached out in the morning to me yesterday. From then on, days that went with me actually missing all of my friends and being lonely as a result just like that were replenished. Yesterday, I got a chance not only to meet her, but also go to the city with another girlfriend of mine and facilitating a reunion of that girlfriend with my sister as well. So all in all, life is just awesome like that. You wish for something with good intentions and put out into the universe. Then you must be open to receive when it is given. I got my girlfriends and our candid and soulful talks, a wonderful time with my sister and friends in the city I like at times, as a result. Gratitude.

As with A* I will just in the same fashion take it day by day, moment by moment. Sadness and small joys as it comes. Life happens for a reason.

 

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Soulful Sunday

It was a rough evening yesterday. The kind where you are still harboring resentment towards your mother and then you scream it out and let her know that she never delivered in a way that you needed her to all your life. The laissze faire attitude towards parenting and lack of taking responsibility that the emotional well being of your child, no matter how old she is now, has something to do with your way of upbringing her which does and will affect her. I am not a mother and perhaps never will be but I am a child of one. There are always emotional footprints of all relationships we are part of. In any case, I do not feel all glorious about the way I said these things and would like to apologize for the delivery but still stand by what I think. I could have had a better mother if she only tried….

Besides that I think that we women have to deal with a lot of hormonal factors that affect our emotions on daily basis. I think my period is due very soon and I am yet again wrapped a bit by the emotional blanket of sometimes uncontrollable sensitivity and sadness. To top it all off perhaps I will never understand why this breakup had to be so painful. I think I could have learned my lessons in a way that was more soothing to the heart and had less toxicity. It just feels like garbage dumped into my heart, soul, and mind that could have also been thrown in a bin – because I like cleanliness and could have put things there calmly too. And the notion that people often say time heals all wounds actually never had a good taste in my mouth. Instead I can resonate better with that it does get easier as your self awareness and confidence grows during the time of healing. Because for me it has been already close to 5 months and some days seem like it was day one. Perhaps it is a combination of time, space, and personal development during this time that will heal everything. I know it is a process because I see and feel it all the time. There are triggers and sometimes factors beyond my own control that pull things backward or make a hold up – but overall I know there is constant progress because that is what I decided for myself I want. Going forward while living in the present and not being stuck and overwhelmed by the past. But this is work and requires, in my opinion a lot of vulnerability, what may seem sometimes crazy talks with yourself, some type of courage, a lot of gratitude and self forgiveness. Although there are a lot more elements in the healing soup – these are just a few. I’m working on it.

As life is uncontrollable and small things just happen to make you feel just a tab bit better; a few moments ago I opened my email browser and saw someone by the name “Robin” liked my blog. This persons shares the name of my first love and the young man that will forever mean so much to be that only my soul can speak of it while my words will utterly fail me. This is a small moment of gratitude to the universe for this random moment of positive and kind emotional relief.

It is Sunday. Next week promises to be as packed as I make it out to be. Though I only have one personal event (yes because I still plan on doing a hair chop soon), one volunteer initiative, training session for my tutoring certification and uggghhh yes 8 (minus one break) days of work straight. A moment here to pause and be grateful for everything once again in my life. I still have an active mind, an ache for continues personal development, dedication and devotion to causes greater than myself, zest for life, shelter, food, life! I have it all really. And I will heal and continue on this roller coaster of life until my time also comes to leave this universe.

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I love myself and….

One of the best things that has happened to me this year is my break up. I was dumped and it is the best thing because it literally injected me with power and self-love. Yes, there are some poisonous thoughts that the person has sort of inflicted upon my brain cells and I work on those daily to defy their negativity. But on the higher most important level I am a  true genuine soul and a winner! Yes ladies, when you are dumped take your time to see what that really means. What really is important here. I had spent adequate amount of time, nearly 2 months in Berlin, after it happened very unexpectedly (well my soul and inner being were telling me that something was seriously fucked up – but you see I did not really listen) then it did and I was in denial, confusion, shock that I made such a wrong judgement in a person I thought was in love with me. But cowards are cowards and that is out of my reach. Yet, that did not stop me from expressing my true self and I think showing this person that I do not play around with feelings. In any case, I might sound a bit angry now, but to be honest I am beyond grateful that shit blew up and things turned out the way they did.  Yes, sometimes still (yes being brutally honest daily I still get even physical feelings of a bit of a pinch in my chest area…some may call it near my heart – basically heartache) that all that stuff stings a bit and I fully appreciate that about myself. I am an emotional and very passionate person when it comes to having feelings for someone I loved before. Yet, if I do sound angry a little so be it, I am allowed to express all colors of my feelings. In this rather colorful time, I have learned a priceless deal about my own character and the strength that I had no idea I even possessed. I truly am proud of the person I am shaping myself to be these days. What hell of a time it has been this 25th year of my life – never have I had imagined that it would turn out this way…incredible.

Today was eventful as always. Firs I got super drenched by a lame rain in the morning. I mean I did walk outside and did an my own weather forecast investigation before heading out for the day (this means I walked outside to get the mail and assess the temperature level), but NO minutes after crossing the street and arriving at my bus stop the rain just did it’s glorious shower dump. And I got drenched…but yeah I still looked good so it’s all gravy! I had a bus and I got to where I need to be – life moved on and I dried off hours later. Let’s just hope I don’t get a freaking cold because it is chili out here.

I have always known that I am sort of addicted to constant action in my life – but now I notice more than ever that I am an activity junkie. Since I love service and volunteering in general, I just love it…I am the kid that did 100 hours of volunteer work just for fun in the summer after 7th grade, shit that was a long time ago. But yeah, in college I couldn’t stop either also attending nearly hundreds of cultural, performance, lecture/workshops events etc. on any and all subjects. Now I am also hyped on action. I just can’t sit still without being involved and serving. A good note here to mention also is that by the end of this year I will submit my application for the Peace Corps…so please by then at least I hope our government will get it’s act together and actually work. Politics and sarcasm aside, this is a dream of mine no cliche intended and I will do it – that is a fact of my life. Back to today already. I have met with two of my beloved, well admired, and respected mentors. Both amazing people, both amazing women! Did I also mention that I love women, though sexually I do like men, but I love women as species, as who they are what they represent. The women that are exploding with life embracing it to no end in spite of any and ALL setbacks they have experienced in life. Women who live their truth and inspire me to live out my own truth! This get’s me so just excited about being part of this species – among many personal attributes that I love about myself! Hahahha label me a feminist – I will proudly wear this badge any day all day. I am a humanist in love with myself!

Yes, so mentors are important and they could be male as well. So you should definitely seek out some and revisit them occasionally even if just to see how they themselves live out their truth day after day, year after year.

So now I have a pile of things that I need to get done, being an activity junkie and motivated person is no easy task. Haha I love how I am pumping myself with honest encouragement and appreciation of my character. I do hope that more people do this for themselves, because honey – the one person you have to live with all your life is YOU baby.

On to work. And my extended ex-pat experience living in Berlin did bless me with getting to know some amazing people. Like you Christiano. I love what you create and your truth.

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