11 minutes

So I did it. I called my A* (I hat the term “ex” so I will use his first initial from now on) who is all the way in Lueneburg or Magdeburg right now. I didn’t quite probe into the details of his whereabouts, but it was clear he was at Weihnachtsmarkt! Oh German Christmas markets, how I miss you. The sheer aura of Christmas being all around you…I miss that. It is utterly different here in D.C. – well I just quickly googled and apparently there is a Downtown Holiday Market which started on November 29 and will end on December 23. Umm lame, well kind of lame because a Christmas market should be kept up all day long and inject a true spirit of the winter holidays. I personally have not seen this market yet and seemingly won’t because it ends tomorrow at 8pm and I have to work at 6:00 so no way of getting there before hand. I must go to work today too. Anyway, I also youtubed the videos put up on this market in D.C. and actually they are featuring some very cool vendors, so there you have it. In any case, I like the authentic German Christmas Markets – they are aesthetically more beautiful. The spirit of the holiday is so much stronger in Germany from my personal observation. Or maybe being a child of a diaspora with a very mixed up traditional core contributes to my assessment of it all as well. I am sure that can’t be discounted.

Yes. I called my him. Every time I talk to my friends about my relationship with him, which happens very rarely since I have reduced my communication let alone talking about him with anyone ever since I came back from Europe, something happens. All over again. Well the feelings are always there but I do get influenced by what my friends say sometimes. Long after that momentum of a conversation expires, the influential bug remains. Also being a hormonal lady that I can be, sometimes I do take chances. I did take one this morning. Since yesterday I also got one more reinforcement of my belief that life should be accepted as is – I decided that one should face the fear and go for it. I mean he could not pick up, being that he is in Europe and then I wouldn’t have to talk to him. But he did. First he picked up and I realized he can’t hear me very well. He is so

Maybe I am like a little girl who is in love with a semi/big boy who is just a dream? Maybe when I was 24 I met my imperfect soulmate and he did not realize yet that I am his woman for life yet? Haha, maybe you should not take life so serious and nor yourself in it? It’s funny in a way, and I am smiling shyly now. Though in the past 4 months a ton of tears have been shed. I mean a TON! I smile now gently at myself, but there is something in meeting someone who influences you I guess. I was so shy when on the second attempt we finally could hear one another. Maybe this call will mean nothing to him as the day goes on, maybe it will tingle him a little bit in his heart ? I know for sure though that I know him in a way that I don’t think he even knows himself yet. Did I sound strange or “crazy” in that sentence? Maybe, but I don’t care! In fact I embrace what I feel and the way I think, period! After minor blah, blah, blah talk with awful communication signal, mainly because I don’t think he could hear me well – I summoned the courage to say “I miss you” and later on “we should skype next week”. He said “yes, sure when?”, and I responded in a hasty way because I didn’t know what else to say “let me look in my calendar…how about next Friday?” The response was “ok, I will shoot you an email for the time.” Something like that. It lasted all 11 minutes and 10 seconds. Sometimes being courageous and going with your gut feeling lasts that long. Embracing that moment in your daily life when you go for it.

I don’t think I want to be with him now, so I am not disillusioned by things like that. The break up helped me grow as a person in numerous ways. It is not possible to describe the real feelings that I have about this. My girlfriend whom I have been craving to see for such a long time now, and with whom I had a very difficult time reconnecting when I got back reached out in the morning to me yesterday. From then on, days that went with me actually missing all of my friends and being lonely as a result just like that were replenished. Yesterday, I got a chance not only to meet her, but also go to the city with another girlfriend of mine and facilitating a reunion of that girlfriend with my sister as well. So all in all, life is just awesome like that. You wish for something with good intentions and put out into the universe. Then you must be open to receive when it is given. I got my girlfriends and our candid and soulful talks, a wonderful time with my sister and friends in the city I like at times, as a result. Gratitude.

As with A* I will just in the same fashion take it day by day, moment by moment. Sadness and small joys as it comes. Life happens for a reason.

 

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Brand new Day

“Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart. ”  —Native American Proverb

Last couple of days have been not easy. At all. Usually this happens a week before my period kicks in. An emotional prelude engulfs me. This time though this is not the case. I know why I am feeling this way now. The meditation really digs in and everything around just becomes that much more intense.

I embody the notion that 20’s are a time of profound self-exploration. I hope many chose to do this in their lives and not waste this precious period in their lives. I am a living proof of that. I have never been shy of recognizing my uniqueness (but nor a stranger to forgetting it at times) in that I have always sought to figure out who is it that I am and what is it that I am born to do? My purpose and personal truth in other words. The biggest change over the years has been in that I have realized that there is not only one or the other: we are made to discover ourselves and also build ourselves into the beings we want to be and are. Many of the enlightened people in this world define these things differently. Recently Paulo Cuelho’s words on Personal Legends, World’s Biggest Lie, Soul of the World, and a reminder that “when you want something all of Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” have been reinforcing the many lessons I have been learning in my life’s journey and continue to learn. I finally got around to reading The Alchemist. It is my reading companion at the moment. Something tells me that this book will be re-read by me many more times after I finish the first round.

A relationship with yourself is the core for everything. The way we love ourselves will trickle into how we love others. I am a ferocious lover who gives shamelessly while exposing myself to being vulnerable. I believe in myself at the core, my soul believes in my true self. What a blessing. I watched Oprah’s interview with Tina Turner and Patti Labelle a while back and both of them said they have always believed in themselves in spite of many trials and tribulations. I am picking up my pieces of last year’s and this year’s event.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahr Dar, Ethiopia.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahir Dar, Ethiopia.

I do not indulge in other people’s sorrows nor do I need to use people in any way to uplift me. I hope to master the art of genuine forgiveness. I do though reach out when I need to feel the love and support. I did today. And the Universe also reached out to me too. From Germany and from America. A girl is blessed.

And it is officially November 20th. Another day live, how can I not be grateful?

I give gratitude in my “Gratitude Journal.” One of the best advice I can give you this year is to start jotting down someplace specific things you are grateful for. It is amazing for the Soul, Body, and Mind.

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That I was insanely emotionally brave – even if 6,727 kilometers or 4, 170 miles away

This was a draft from days ago…….

I quite often now think about how I want to remember having had lived my life. When I am dead and no longer physically or emotionally here in this world to be remembered by. I want people to know that I truly took emotional “risks” though I wish they were fully acknowledged as having “had lived your own, true, pure truth” out for the world and people to see. I want that more than anything when I am dead.

To bask in the knowledge that I took the scary path of being real, vulnerable and free to share what I feel deeply without pretentiousness and or malicious or calculated intent. That I was brave and believed so strongly in being real and living truthfully and authentically from the inside out as opposed to the outside in. That I let my inner god and soul live out here also in this world and among very hurt people who are glazed over by the superficiality of it all. The outside pressures to be something we are not and wasting our lives building and living out in a way that is not authentic to our inner selves. The commonly “lucky ones” as it is labeled within our society, reach this by having a “mid life crisis” to reach this point. Where they reach a point in life when they question everything they have had done and how that measures up to their real emotions and thoughts and hopes and personal fulfillment. This happens most commonly in their mid 40’s that it should take this long of leading a life heading towards a “path” that is not consistent with their inner truth which they fight to ignore or hide because being vulnerable and facing it all seems like a daunting and unwelcome event in our world. I think that the lucky ones find a right partnership, friendships and family dynamics that support a continuous safe space for all of this. Others may never find this and must always do this alone, but actually no they don’t have to do it alone I think there is always an opportunity to be surrounded by the like minded people and the supportive messages that will support this type of approach to life. This is a mater of bravery then and belief in others, the inner trust that they are worthy of your undying loyalty and belief in them.

Then I begin my conversations with you, that you never get to hear…..So I have these thoughts of how I am “the one”, that same “one” that you have let go right now because frankly neither one of us is ready for what we both could have built together. I personally know that I need some time on my own only for me. And for you this time also means perhaps chasing other women. I do not like the sound of it, the feel of it, the idea of it, nothing really of that I like but, also I respect and truly believe that if I need my space you need yours as well.

It seems like a storm is out there. The first day of a new month. Second to last month of this year. I just had an intense thought of you. I browsed through my photos from the gift photo shoot that my roommate gifted me. I see how I was consumed with thoughts of you. How much if you had only known I don’t think your heart could not have had opened up to me. I think I really have fallen for that soul of yours which you have not yet gotten to know yourself, and my love even from such a huge distance of 6, 170 kilometers sends you nothing but positive wishes. You had asked me once what “love is” and I think through this entire journey I have been exploring what it means myself. Sometimes love is quiet, patient, tender, raw, and bare. Utterly vulnerable and humbled by the circumstance.

I felt something for you from the first moment I saw you in that kitchen in Berlin. The very moment I stepped out into the kitchen after doing make up, I knew I was in some sort of trouble because I was not emotionally equipped for a “relationship” at the time. I truly believe that I see in you, your traces of your authentic self which you do not see yourself. My confidence in this should not alarm or scare you, instead I wish for it to cover you with comfort sense of security, specialness and love. Also the confidence in knowing that you, it is YOU who has this from another person who in reality is a complete stranger to you, yet her soul has found also a familiar thread of love and comfort in you for her too. I liked to watch you when you sat by your computer and stared at your screen so obsessively focused on something that you were working on. I sensed your insecurities and I felt the tightness of your lips reflecting the rope you place around your hear to protect it. There was something in that reservness that makes me pay attention to you and feel a sense of loyalty and solidarity because I see it, acknowledge it and deeply cherish it because it is emotional gold that I can notice in the way I do.  I noticed in you what you hide and perhaps neglect yourself to notice. Silence for now.

And then life forever moves forward. Well no not forever but we move forward while appreciating the present time.

 

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Waking up

I just woke up from a nap after feeling extremely tired. I think I have not really slept very well in days now. On Tuesday I was an election officer and slept for about 4 hours before reporting to duty at 5:00 am after an 8 hour shift at my job. It was an exciting day but with a surge of an energy level that went up and down. I think I have been tired since then. I do need to sleep better though, this is nothing new to me. 

I just woke up a few moments ago and sat up on my bed with a sense of need to reflect on “what if we lived our lives with a deeply rooted knowledge and confidence that everything would work out?” That all the things that we are doubtful of would literally work out and be clear as if a red carpet to walk on was laid in front of us to walk on with utter confidence?” And we took our steps on it with the assurance and unwavering faith that things will make sense one way or another. All the doubts that we had just would be answered therefore we should walk with confidence in everything we do. What if…???

I think of him very often. I think of him maybe too often, though who is to say? I admitted to myself that I am not ready to date or develop interest in any new men because I need to take as however long as I need to do whatever it is that I need to do. I am awry about putting a label on this process because it would reduce it to something too simplified and too small. I do miss intimacy in it’s various forms. Sexual too but I also know that I was never interested in sex for the sake of sex. My sexuality peaks in it’s form, reflection, and style when I am with a person for whom I have a strong emotional interest and a connection to. This is my style of intimacy, more than physical penetration basically. I like to melt in emotion and I am unapologetic about that either. 

You know I am on a mission, on a quest, on a journey. People can call it many ways. I have always been the kind of person that is a seeker of some truth that is there and must be found. The truth about myself, the truth about my life, the truth about this journey. That is who I am. Unapologetic seeker of this truth. In recent years I realized also that the truth really is internal. Our true selves are within us, our true life reveals itself from the discovery and upbringing this “self” is ours to make. That we are responsible for our happiness and lives and fulfillment. This one though, I somehow had known from an early age. I think right this moment though, I am startled by the sense that maybe I am developing some sense of fearlessness which then will lead to the “freedom” to be myself. Maybe? I don’t really know. Maybe this is my pep-talk to myself or something like that. It is astonishing to realize the urgency of it all though, because we live only one lifetime. Only one time we live this particular life. Only once we are this person (ever evolving person at that) undergoing this particular journey. 

When I have children, if I am blessed with this in my lifetime I want to teach them if only by showing some core things. To love themselves, be authentic and strong in that, have faith in themselves and love for themselves to share with others, to seek gratitude, calmness, confidence, peace and to be able to learn these things because you as a parent embody this and they look up to you for affirmation and example. That is why I cannot have children yet, that is why I say I am not ready yet because I am still questing to embody these things myself. I felt the need to write this out to have clarity on where I stand on this in lieu of conversations on motherhood and parenting that have been taking these days with my sister and aunt. I like candid conversations that leave you with realizations on where you stand and want to go.

I think this is it for now.

 

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