single digits days to go…

In 9 days I am off on a very long journey to fortress Europe yet again. I have actually been going there nearly every year since 2011. That’s a long time. I’m a bit anxious now anticipating some last days of work, the longest having been today.

During my 15 hour work day shift today  I realized, that I actually thought that I would spend my mid 20’s dancing and prancing about life. Instead it did not really turn out that way at all. I thought dating a DJ was going to be an endless way of partying and my dancing loving self would be on a high from spontaneous dance parties that were a brief commodity of my life. That didn’t go as planned. One day I was given an apartment of my “dreams” the next few days I was told to get out because I was no longer wanted…liked, missed, was too thin and attractive because after all another desirable woman was already lined up and I was taking up unwelcomed space. That’s how that went. Alles hatt grade nicht geklappt.

I am anxious going back to Berlin. And especially in the winter time. The time I knew to have broken my heart and much of precious innocence. Yet, I also feel that the piecing together I have been doing in the past 6 years of myself, in spite of everything happening in my life has not been too shabby. Life is a “mig” (my Russian influence) and well I think I’m coping better with letting go and letting myself be. My own way.

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That I was insanely emotionally brave – even if 6,727 kilometers or 4, 170 miles away

This was a draft from days ago…….

I quite often now think about how I want to remember having had lived my life. When I am dead and no longer physically or emotionally here in this world to be remembered by. I want people to know that I truly took emotional “risks” though I wish they were fully acknowledged as having “had lived your own, true, pure truth” out for the world and people to see. I want that more than anything when I am dead.

To bask in the knowledge that I took the scary path of being real, vulnerable and free to share what I feel deeply without pretentiousness and or malicious or calculated intent. That I was brave and believed so strongly in being real and living truthfully and authentically from the inside out as opposed to the outside in. That I let my inner god and soul live out here also in this world and among very hurt people who are glazed over by the superficiality of it all. The outside pressures to be something we are not and wasting our lives building and living out in a way that is not authentic to our inner selves. The commonly “lucky ones” as it is labeled within our society, reach this by having a “mid life crisis” to reach this point. Where they reach a point in life when they question everything they have had done and how that measures up to their real emotions and thoughts and hopes and personal fulfillment. This happens most commonly in their mid 40’s that it should take this long of leading a life heading towards a “path” that is not consistent with their inner truth which they fight to ignore or hide because being vulnerable and facing it all seems like a daunting and unwelcome event in our world. I think that the lucky ones find a right partnership, friendships and family dynamics that support a continuous safe space for all of this. Others may never find this and must always do this alone, but actually no they don’t have to do it alone I think there is always an opportunity to be surrounded by the like minded people and the supportive messages that will support this type of approach to life. This is a mater of bravery then and belief in others, the inner trust that they are worthy of your undying loyalty and belief in them.

Then I begin my conversations with you, that you never get to hear…..So I have these thoughts of how I am “the one”, that same “one” that you have let go right now because frankly neither one of us is ready for what we both could have built together. I personally know that I need some time on my own only for me. And for you this time also means perhaps chasing other women. I do not like the sound of it, the feel of it, the idea of it, nothing really of that I like but, also I respect and truly believe that if I need my space you need yours as well.

It seems like a storm is out there. The first day of a new month. Second to last month of this year. I just had an intense thought of you. I browsed through my photos from the gift photo shoot that my roommate gifted me. I see how I was consumed with thoughts of you. How much if you had only known I don’t think your heart could not have had opened up to me. I think I really have fallen for that soul of yours which you have not yet gotten to know yourself, and my love even from such a huge distance of 6, 170 kilometers sends you nothing but positive wishes. You had asked me once what “love is” and I think through this entire journey I have been exploring what it means myself. Sometimes love is quiet, patient, tender, raw, and bare. Utterly vulnerable and humbled by the circumstance.

I felt something for you from the first moment I saw you in that kitchen in Berlin. The very moment I stepped out into the kitchen after doing make up, I knew I was in some sort of trouble because I was not emotionally equipped for a “relationship” at the time. I truly believe that I see in you, your traces of your authentic self which you do not see yourself. My confidence in this should not alarm or scare you, instead I wish for it to cover you with comfort sense of security, specialness and love. Also the confidence in knowing that you, it is YOU who has this from another person who in reality is a complete stranger to you, yet her soul has found also a familiar thread of love and comfort in you for her too. I liked to watch you when you sat by your computer and stared at your screen so obsessively focused on something that you were working on. I sensed your insecurities and I felt the tightness of your lips reflecting the rope you place around your hear to protect it. There was something in that reservness that makes me pay attention to you and feel a sense of loyalty and solidarity because I see it, acknowledge it and deeply cherish it because it is emotional gold that I can notice in the way I do.  I noticed in you what you hide and perhaps neglect yourself to notice. Silence for now.

And then life forever moves forward. Well no not forever but we move forward while appreciating the present time.

 

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How do you…?

How do you tell someone you are still in love with them? That you do not agree with their decision to end it all because you know that it is based on an enormous sense of fear within them? That you see more in them than they care to admit about themselves ? That you are irreplaceable and no sexual partners could substitute that which you have for them? How do you let them know that while in silence and being so far detached your heart skips beats while imagining that something has happened to you?

That you are going daily in circles with the decision to say all these things to them in the open? That you are daring greatly to take a risk, a leap of faith and bare your soul out there on the ground for them to potentially stomp all over, but above all you are chosing to still dare to love them greatly ? How do you do this without possibly and most likely seemingly becoming conceived as an insane person? How do you do this all and still reach deep within the person’s soul, whose glimpse you have seen before, being over 6, 000 kilometers away? How do you know you are not insane for even thinking these things ?

This has been going on for what seems to be like endless minutes, days, months on end. With various stages to still not leave you be.How do you say, I knew you were the one since the moment I met you? I knew that you would make a huge impact on me. How do you say I love you, the you that you hide and run away from more than you are able to embrace yourself ?How do you really dare greatly and find the courage to come out strongly?

How do you say, that all of this has not stopped you from continuing to keep growing yet having unwavering belief in that you were left because of deeply rooted fear which you do not judge but want to embrace? How do you say, “take a leap of faith, for yourself and see what you are worth” to someone who loves your soul, body, and mind ? How do you say to someone that they truly have you….?

How do you…?

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