*watching Sheeba sleep again in person is really a bliss


Two days ago, 

I returned back to the “base”, at this point I feel like calling it this way realistically in my life. It was a long journey of two flights and a long car ride. On the second flight, I met a lovely Greek-American girl with whom I had a very heartwarming and lovely conversation exchange during the 6 hour flight. Elena is a beautiful soul. It was very heartwarming actually to bond with someone with such a genuine heart while returning to a country which broke my heart ever since I discovered for myself it’s racist nature.

On the flight I had a nightmare, again about one of my ex’s. The one that was the disastrous one the most. In the dream also was his mother…first time I dreamed of her. It was cleansing actually to have them appear and disappear. I am really on the highest mountain of recovery from that experience of my life.

In other news, the present split is not an easy one either. What a journey that has also been really? 4 years long-distance, dream-stance, real-stance and finish line. I remember consciously thinking “you are can’t be with someone out of fear of being alone, that is not loving them” – among other thoughts and emotions, I have finally decided to let go of that connection also in my life. I have deep love for the person in my life, a different kind IMG_3065*flying over Iceland en route to “home”

than what they want from me. What a blessing that he entered my life and gave me so much love – my dearly beloved Johannes – my heart and soul will always cherish your presence. Tearing up now, especially while listening to Hailu Mergia’s glory

Man, this time in Berlin was….wow. Kicked my ass really. Debilitating depression creeped up on me again. Old wounds opened up and closed up. New strength resurfaced. Wow. It really was an adventure and growth time. An awakening of sorts.

Of course I have fears still in life. Sometimes I am very afraid. But to be honest, I don’t know I feel also hope of some sort. I am really growing up and that I can’t deny. I might not have emancipated myself to the point where I feel “yes, I’ve personally made it” but to be honest after being a survivor – I actually have. A few years ago I didn’t have the will to live actually – and well there were some actions taken towards that – but I am still here. This is something I have minimized in life’s experience actually, especially after some professional and love blows that experienced afterwards.

After I die please play all these wondrous songs for me and take my ashes back to that home. I often think and feel that music, and dance are something that I am connected to however the real tangible “skills” of producing or playing it I don’t possess. My childhood was volatile, the time when these things could have been obtained…well everyone has a story. I have nonetheless been blessed to attend amazing concerts and my body has felt deep vibrations from musical sounds in this lifetime so I am blessed in spite of any perceived “limitations.”

Sorry. I apologize for leaving the flat not as you have liked.


IMG_3058*this was on my way in Friedrichshain, the last night in Berlin a few days ago





Drowning while already drowned

Exhale. I have been wanting to write since my return now and couldn’t and didn’t while having used the excuse of having the laptop being repaired by my sister. She did and now I felt that excusing myself was a bit too much. Besides, I couldn’t sleep anymore. It’s jet lag I suppose.

My grandmother is dead. Both of my grandparents on father’s side now are deceased. I remember the craziness of February 4th when I woke up still in daze from my other slumber of having the feeling that I’ve drowned already from “failure” to imminently being told that she is not well. I meddled in booking the trip to see her and not wanting my father to be alone….it’s such a painful journey, then I finally faced the consequence of having to face an even slimmer bank account after an unexpected expense of purchasing the unplanned ticket for a flight coming up in a few hours….it was done.

The plane ride. I didn’t truthfully know what to feel. If I could feel even really. We got through it. Surreal. Then we arrived. Just like that, BAAM a different setting again. Warm weather, not bullshit of racist choking dogma, a country full of brown and black people again. Again….

It hit me that grandmother was already dead when riding in the car. Before that I was still naive in a way and unknowing of what was happening. Then I got it. It is utterly too late. She already passed away. Though we arrived on the most fastest flight possible, grandmother’s flesh was already empty and her soul and body warmth never to be witnessed by my father nor I again. Not here anymore at least. I remember vaguely not looking out of the car windows anymore during that ride, a feeling of not caring and knowing where I was going (I don’t know the city of Addis like that anyways) and just feeling that it was irrelevant anyways. Then we arrived. People, so many people who were crying and screaming. Then the wooden box. Grandma inside but I was unable to see her anymore as she was shut closed. The same room with the table holding her straight in the living room which I vowed and looked forward to visiting soon. How did I not recognize that 5 years almost passed since that promise was last made? What the fuck is the point question, crossed my mind again…at least began to pop up it’s seeds in my mind at that moment.

I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t go and touch the casket. It felt like a blur. I never touched grandma for the last time before she was whisked into the graveyard, a day later. I remember losing breath and nearly collapsing at the church site after the burial when the claustrophobia of so many people and and a hike to get to the church in the sun finally caught up with me. I had to kneel down, with stamina I gasped but did not faint. I was panicking. My aunt allowed me the space and I was able to get out of the crowd to sit down away from it. I remember sleeping later after that for some hours.

Grandmother is gone now.



Brand new Day

“Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart. ”  —Native American Proverb

Last couple of days have been not easy. At all. Usually this happens a week before my period kicks in. An emotional prelude engulfs me. This time though this is not the case. I know why I am feeling this way now. The meditation really digs in and everything around just becomes that much more intense.

I embody the notion that 20’s are a time of profound self-exploration. I hope many chose to do this in their lives and not waste this precious period in their lives. I am a living proof of that. I have never been shy of recognizing my uniqueness (but nor a stranger to forgetting it at times) in that I have always sought to figure out who is it that I am and what is it that I am born to do? My purpose and personal truth in other words. The biggest change over the years has been in that I have realized that there is not only one or the other: we are made to discover ourselves and also build ourselves into the beings we want to be and are. Many of the enlightened people in this world define these things differently. Recently Paulo Cuelho’s words on Personal Legends, World’s Biggest Lie, Soul of the World, and a reminder that “when you want something all of Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” have been reinforcing the many lessons I have been learning in my life’s journey and continue to learn. I finally got around to reading The Alchemist. It is my reading companion at the moment. Something tells me that this book will be re-read by me many more times after I finish the first round.

A relationship with yourself is the core for everything. The way we love ourselves will trickle into how we love others. I am a ferocious lover who gives shamelessly while exposing myself to being vulnerable. I believe in myself at the core, my soul believes in my true self. What a blessing. I watched Oprah’s interview with Tina Turner and Patti Labelle a while back and both of them said they have always believed in themselves in spite of many trials and tribulations. I am picking up my pieces of last year’s and this year’s event.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahr Dar, Ethiopia.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahir Dar, Ethiopia.

I do not indulge in other people’s sorrows nor do I need to use people in any way to uplift me. I hope to master the art of genuine forgiveness. I do though reach out when I need to feel the love and support. I did today. And the Universe also reached out to me too. From Germany and from America. A girl is blessed.

And it is officially November 20th. Another day live, how can I not be grateful?

I give gratitude in my “Gratitude Journal.” One of the best advice I can give you this year is to start jotting down someplace specific things you are grateful for. It is amazing for the Soul, Body, and Mind.