Soulful Sunday

It was a rough evening yesterday. The kind where you are still harboring resentment towards your mother and then you scream it out and let her know that she never delivered in a way that you needed her to all your life. The laissze faire attitude towards parenting and lack of taking responsibility that the emotional well being of your child, no matter how old she is now, has something to do with your way of upbringing her which does and will affect her. I am not a mother and perhaps never will be but I am a child of one. There are always emotional footprints of all relationships we are part of. In any case, I do not feel all glorious about the way I said these things and would like to apologize for the delivery but still stand by what I think. I could have had a better mother if she only tried….

Besides that I think that we women have to deal with a lot of hormonal factors that affect our emotions on daily basis. I think my period is due very soon and I am yet again wrapped a bit by the emotional blanket of sometimes uncontrollable sensitivity and sadness. To top it all off perhaps I will never understand why this breakup had to be so painful. I think I could have learned my lessons in a way that was more soothing to the heart and had less toxicity. It just feels like garbage dumped into my heart, soul, and mind that could have also been thrown in a bin – because I like cleanliness and could have put things there calmly too. And the notion that people often say time heals all wounds actually never had a good taste in my mouth. Instead I can resonate better with that it does get easier as your self awareness and confidence grows during the time of healing. Because for me it has been already close to 5 months and some days seem like it was day one. Perhaps it is a combination of time, space, and personal development during this time that will heal everything. I know it is a process because I see and feel it all the time. There are triggers and sometimes factors beyond my own control that pull things backward or make a hold up – but overall I know there is constant progress because that is what I decided for myself I want. Going forward while living in the present and not being stuck and overwhelmed by the past. But this is work and requires, in my opinion a lot of vulnerability, what may seem sometimes crazy talks with yourself, some type of courage, a lot of gratitude and self forgiveness. Although there are a lot more elements in the healing soup – these are just a few. I’m working on it.

As life is uncontrollable and small things just happen to make you feel just a tab bit better; a few moments ago I opened my email browser and saw someone by the name “Robin” liked my blog. This persons shares the name of my first love and the young man that will forever mean so much to be that only my soul can speak of it while my words will utterly fail me. This is a small moment of gratitude to the universe for this random moment of positive and kind emotional relief.

It is Sunday. Next week promises to be as packed as I make it out to be. Though I only have one personal event (yes because I still plan on doing a hair chop soon), one volunteer initiative, training session for my tutoring certification and uggghhh yes 8 (minus one break) days of work straight. A moment here to pause and be grateful for everything once again in my life. I still have an active mind, an ache for continues personal development, dedication and devotion to causes greater than myself, zest for life, shelter, food, life! I have it all really. And I will heal and continue on this roller coaster of life until my time also comes to leave this universe.

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A Saturday

So today started of shaky. Ughh how much I hate the public transport in Washington, D.C. if only one knew. It is extremely unreliable. I should write my complaint I know…because I thought shit what about those people who do not have an alternative and they make minimum wage, and they need to get to work because THIS is the only way they can get to work. Oh yeah, but the bus just decided you know to go 10 minutes early, and said screw you? Yeah, well that bothers me a lot, because I had an alternative this morning and some people don’t! I will write that complain though I wonder why does WMATA need your personal information like contact info including address? Hmmmmm so that bus driver will come to your house and say POP you in the head…you know people are very violent these days? This is a valid thought to ponder upon. In any case, moving on. I made it to work with spare time thanks to a ride. Frustrations aside, work was busy to say the least. Tomorrow’s shift from 11:00-23:00 should be also interesting all on it’s own. I never worked a shift like that in my life! Always something new to learn.

When I got home, a frustration moment with my sister and other things that bother me just prompted me to sing yet another song. I started singing since yesterday and recording myself. It’s improv singing of course, with my own lyrics and NO I am not a “singer”…well I am not many things but at the same time I enjoy a lot of things so I am learning to do them more.  And I want to learn how to play an instrument already…once I tried learning to play the guitar but like everything “artistic” that has to be done for a grade usually doesn’t sit still with my soul. Or I am just spoiled and become too argumentative to having be graded for my artistic self and just lose interest or some sort of ability to do it…hmm I will pick this up again though. Just need to get to it, but will that’s for sure.

Then an article on “20 Things Every Twentysomething Should Know How to Do” which someone had tagged or whatever they do these days on their facebook page, I have been meaning to read. Well I got to it finally and actually I like it a lot. I am definitely doing very well on that list, which once more confirms to me that I am generally doing very well in my soul! Yes, I will give a lot of praise to myself for believe me it is necessary. A lot of people should especially when they see themselves building themselves to be the person that want to be. Life is not an emergency rehearsal – it’s for real and happening now. I need to still learn though how to brew good coffee and tea. This definitely is a great skill to have and since I already know how to make a banging breakfast, I should work on inviting friends over for it more often too next time I have my own place.

So now off to doing some research because I am determined on finding some scholarships for my massage school studies. YES I WILL!

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