How do you…?

How do you tell someone you are still in love with them? That you do not agree with their decision to end it all because you know that it is based on an enormous sense of fear within them? That you see more in them than they care to admit about themselves ? That you are irreplaceable and no sexual partners could substitute that which you have for them? How do you let them know that while in silence and being so far detached your heart skips beats while imagining that something has happened to you?

That you are going daily in circles with the decision to say all these things to them in the open? That you are daring greatly to take a risk, a leap of faith and bare your soul out there on the ground for them to potentially stomp all over, but above all you are chosing to still dare to love them greatly ? How do you do this without possibly and most likely seemingly becoming conceived as an insane person? How do you do this all and still reach deep within the person’s soul, whose glimpse you have seen before, being over 6, 000 kilometers away? How do you know you are not insane for even thinking these things ?

This has been going on for what seems to be like endless minutes, days, months on end. With various stages to still not leave you be.How do you say, I knew you were the one since the moment I met you? I knew that you would make a huge impact on me. How do you say I love you, the you that you hide and run away from more than you are able to embrace yourself ?How do you really dare greatly and find the courage to come out strongly?

How do you say, that all of this has not stopped you from continuing to keep growing yet having unwavering belief in that you were left because of deeply rooted fear which you do not judge but want to embrace? How do you say, “take a leap of faith, for yourself and see what you are worth” to someone who loves your soul, body, and mind ? How do you say to someone that they truly have you….?

How do you…?


For days now a possible posts have been brewing in my mind drafts of which have been patiently sitting in my blog’s storage. A life of a fruitfully thinking girl I suppose. The thoughts are endless and in a good way. Unfortunately, a bit of a delusion might have settled in as well with the coming cold which is attacking my immune system. If there is one “illness” I particularly unwelcome because it seems to me that it can definitely be avoided is anything related to catching the flu. But I am still well and grateful and will get better in no time. This is just a reminder to take better care of health. In the meantime I will blow my nose gently and drink plenty of fluids. Period.

This week my sister’s boyfriend and his twin brother have celebrated their 30th birthdays. I am particularly close with my sister’s boyfriend because well, he is like a big brother to me and over the years he has been a great friend even as our relationship has been undergoing rough patches at different times and even continents. Yes I fancy his kind and stubborn spirit quite a lot. Of course I have joked and teased him about the “you are so old now” fact but also someplace in there I dropped in a “this is such a blessing to get to this age in life.”

Age – such an obsessive notion sometimes, especially when focusing on the “numbers” as opposed to “wisdom, all of the treasured experiences accumulated in those years, the self-development” etc., as opposed to the physical and outwardly meaning of what an older age is. The sheer ability to get to such an age is a miracle and a blessing on their own. Especially in this world when at 13 years old you can be shot with 7 bullets piercing through your body for carrying a toy gun. Yes guns are evil in my opinion too and I will leave that discussion at rest here. May your Soul rest in Peace little Andy. Yet this is the world we live in and it is a frightening place. It is cold, it is heartless, it is frightened, it is rigid and utterly filled with people making deadly mistakes because in my humble observation they have not done soul searching to find themselves; and instead their are the living zombies. I pray in all forms for the humankind to embrace at some point in each person’s life to live a life which Dares Greatly embracing vulnerability and imperfections while living wholeheartedly and courageously. Thank you Dr. Brené Brown for bringing this vision forward and up for discussion to all of us.

And then I am back to the topic of age again. My aunt shared on facebook an article about a 90 year old phenomenal woman by the name of Phyllis Sues who embraces every bit of life and embodies what for me is an exemplary approach to living with a mantra of “There is no age, it’s living each moment to it’s fullest.” Because in reality life really is “in itself is a challenge and you can either, accept it and take action, or you can sit and do nothing. And I am also in the camp of not sitting and waiting for life to happen to me in some mysterious way and reveal itself in some unrealistic nature, no life always moves on (until we die) and then the events and happenings during our lifetimes vary with each stage accordingly. So when I read Sues say “My advice is there is only one winner: accept the challenge, take action and get on with your life no matter what age.” I accept her words wholeheartedly. But she doesn’t just stop there to be inspiring either.

“I started my own fashion label at 50, became a musician and learned Italian and French in my 70s, took tango and trapeze at 80 and walked into my first yoga class at 85. So, if you think you’re old, think again!” Limitations in the mind are trivial to our inner capacity, ability to enjoy life, and embrace our individuality I believe.

And Sues continues on with these emotional punch lines “I have realized, that anything is possible, if you like who you are and what you do. Yes, anything is possible and even probable….I admit, I’m driven but I’m driven by desire and that’s the formula. Desire is so powerful, like you are propelled as if from a canon. Desire to me is the driving force, but action is the result.

Self exploration in fact has always been and always will be a staple of my character. And when I read of the reflections of people like Phyllis who have lived life, yes lived life in all of it’s forms and fully embrace what life is all about – my mind and soul find comfort and hope that even in spite of the coldhardheartedness of our humanity one can still embrace themselves and graciously live an authentic life in the midst of it all.

Happy Birthday Misha and Boris and thank you Phyllis Sues.

Ageless Aging


Falling in Love with You

Each day is jam-packed with events, emotions, situations everything and nothing in between. Still listening to Laura Mvula’s She don’t Stop. She sounds like a woman with an angelic voice of uplifting strength to me. There really is something self uplifting when you focus on gratitude.

I recall the first month when I realized what the “break up” meant. That really it was over for one person in the relationship. I was still in Berlin – I was ready to run with my tail under my legs because I thought I did not have the strength to stay in a city that has not been always so warm and welcoming. At times I find it too pretentious and too hip for me; plus we were living in the same neighborhood with him and it was something that felt like a slap in my soul with a lash to not be able to take the same familiar routes. Because walking on the same streets was hardly easy….that’s the time when I got to know the whole other side of my neighborhood. Neuköln became a refuge. But the focus here is gratitude….

Right at that time my sister from afar proposed that I do the 21 days of guided meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra. I tuned in each morning to listen, reflect, to be still, to remain silent. I always wanted to try meditation (I’ve done it before – but not sure it was the “correct way”), and I actually like guidance when I do things for the first time and encouragement is something that helps me to keep going too. With several sessions I started to notice the shift from being “sad” to embracing “gratitude” rather quickly. I started to feel compassion, inner strength, humbleness, forgiveness, happiness in spite of a very dark cloud – my emotional pallet expanded to embracing positivism instead of being smoldered in pain. Those 21 days of meditation I would say, saved me from going into a crippling depression if I may be bold to declare this now. It was very healing. It really offered a new perspective, a shift and showed me that my capacity for compassion is greater than I had even thought. One day even I produced a very touching and powerful letter to him which came from a place of peace and uplifting of his soul too even though he was the cause of my unwelcomed sadness. Gratitude…such a compound word and feeling. It is probably one of the most positive aspects of life. It heals, uplifts, shifts, humbles, it comforts and gives.

I think that this is the time really for me to get to know better who I am and tweak myself into being who I want to be. I don’t like the feeling of envy, occasional rigidness and coldness that I have, the insecurities that do not help but in fact mask my gentleness and love, there is much more strength in my soul and greater propensity to hug you than give you a stern look. The meditation period really began the self-reflection phase for me. And it helped me cope and begin healing. I am so grateful for the fact that it existed and that my sister shared it with me. That is why I did not run away from Berlin, but instead I invested in the time to heal so that I did not leave with regrets that could last a lifetime. I am still shy to go back to the city though, yes I will not pretend otherwise. But someday I will go back fully embraced by my self-love that will be more confident than any stern looks or intimidating streets….I will for sure. Because I dared greatly to be down on my knees, to sleep lonely, to face the pain, and to accept the arms of gratitude which were waiting for me to give me a warm embrace and bright colors of self-love. And this is a daily journey. A self-aware choice to not stop going in this direction.

Are you grateful today? Have you put on your coat of gratitude? It is one of the best jackets that can warm your whole being. Try it out.

And Laura – what a lovely song yet again. Lyrics are gold sprinkles in my ear.