Random thoughts

This is it. Life does not stop, no wait it does but only when you are dead. At least the kind of life that we know IN any case, the point is this is the last day of the month. November 30. 

The holiday season has been proving to be quite heavy for me. I get it now. It’s ok, there is no self judgement in that. I’m healing and it might take a long time too and that is also ok. Self judgment is not part of my lifestyle…at least intentionally. It creeps up on me at times but I like to think that I tame that monster efficiently whenever I can. 

Last week I walked my talk. The hair did get chopped. The liberation of it all was indescribable as in literally I do not have the words to describe it. It was a feeling and IS a feeling that found a new tenancy within my soul, my whole being. My new tapered fro is my new love. My best friend left me a voicemail complimenting me that I look very “Purple Rainish” a.k.a. Prince like! Yes I will take that one. Overall the love on my hair has been very nice to hear, the support is very appreciated and cherished. Above all I think it is obvious also to people that it is not only about hair. It’s much deeper than that. It is for me. I did this for the little girl in me that grew up with tough self-thoughts and skewed self-image which was affected by her surroundings. I did it for my present self who is becoming into a woman. And I did it for my future self who will someday become a mother to children who will undoubtedly look up to me. In a nutshell something like that. Something like that while so much more. At the moment I do not want to see a single straight hair coming out of my head. Straighteners step away! There is something fascinating though in seeing your face more vividly sans hair in the way….this is a big bag to talk about. 

In the past couple of days I have been waking up with a mixed array of feelings. Mostly heavy once and throughout the day it has been roller coaster kind of situation. I think I am in mourning. For people and feelings of last year, this year…lifetime? Not sure it is hard to explain. I haven’t meditated yesterday and need to catch up. The challenge is going to be over in 2 days! Ughhh I’m going to miss it. Really. I’m glad my sister is recording the sessions so that  could revisit them over and over again. They are really deep and soul wrenching like really deep! Not so easy to handle but very helpful and rich as well. I guess that’s also life in a nutshell – sweet and sour, heavy and light!

I think I’m just learning to love myself. For real this time around. I thought I always did, yes I do in a way but there is a path to still undergo for real self-love and a compassionate relationship with myself. In all forms. I’ll go meditate now. Seizing the moment at it’s inception is always a good thing.  


Brand new Day

“Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart. ”  —Native American Proverb

Last couple of days have been not easy. At all. Usually this happens a week before my period kicks in. An emotional prelude engulfs me. This time though this is not the case. I know why I am feeling this way now. The meditation really digs in and everything around just becomes that much more intense.

I embody the notion that 20’s are a time of profound self-exploration. I hope many chose to do this in their lives and not waste this precious period in their lives. I am a living proof of that. I have never been shy of recognizing my uniqueness (but nor a stranger to forgetting it at times) in that I have always sought to figure out who is it that I am and what is it that I am born to do? My purpose and personal truth in other words. The biggest change over the years has been in that I have realized that there is not only one or the other: we are made to discover ourselves and also build ourselves into the beings we want to be and are. Many of the enlightened people in this world define these things differently. Recently Paulo Cuelho’s words on Personal Legends, World’s Biggest Lie, Soul of the World, and a reminder that “when you want something all of Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” have been reinforcing the many lessons I have been learning in my life’s journey and continue to learn. I finally got around to reading The Alchemist. It is my reading companion at the moment. Something tells me that this book will be re-read by me many more times after I finish the first round.

A relationship with yourself is the core for everything. The way we love ourselves will trickle into how we love others. I am a ferocious lover who gives shamelessly while exposing myself to being vulnerable. I believe in myself at the core, my soul believes in my true self. What a blessing. I watched Oprah’s interview with Tina Turner and Patti Labelle a while back and both of them said they have always believed in themselves in spite of many trials and tribulations. I am picking up my pieces of last year’s and this year’s event.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahr Dar, Ethiopia.

Serenity of Lake Tana summer 2013. Bahir Dar, Ethiopia.

I do not indulge in other people’s sorrows nor do I need to use people in any way to uplift me. I hope to master the art of genuine forgiveness. I do though reach out when I need to feel the love and support. I did today. And the Universe also reached out to me too. From Germany and from America. A girl is blessed.

And it is officially November 20th. Another day live, how can I not be grateful?

I give gratitude in my “Gratitude Journal.” One of the best advice I can give you this year is to start jotting down someplace specific things you are grateful for. It is amazing for the Soul, Body, and Mind.


Life in the Now…the only way it happens

No this is not going to be sexy, yet unapollogitically real and what I am developing in myself to be the alpha of attraction. Though it might seem like just a case of a toe nail which fell out months ago and now regrew. In the summertime I think, if I recall correctly, towards the end of it I had to admit that one of my toenails, and I mean the entire nail, had to come out because it was decaying and simply hanging on for it’s life…well most likely death. It died a while ago and needed to come out. My inner ego felt so much shame and unsexiness from the thought of losing it and the thought of “will it ever grow back” kept me delaying from just putting the sucker out of misery and giving maybe a chance for a new nail to grow out. I did eventually when I came back to the States and just forgot about the nail for the most part and have come accustomed to the fact that yeah, I lost a toenail before the age of 30, so what?

Then today I found the old nail which I saved because pulling it out was a shocking experience at the time. Then I looked back and my foot and saw that the poor toe which has given me the sense of lost femininity after all, did not give up on me. In fact it grew out for itself a new toenail as I have seemingly missed to notice it’s resilience to live. I acknowledge it now. It may not look perfect and feminine nor sexy to some, but to me it is me and mine and I am proud for it’s resilience. I am happy to know that my body is able and showing me in it’s own way that it is here for me. And this toenail in particular showed me that I need to have pride and faith in my body because it is my temple and it is here for me. And yes, of course I thought to myself instantly that if the nail grew out then so obviously will my hair after my chop. And why the heck am I waiting so long to do it all. Is the stalling necessary really just like I stalled with acceptance that my toenail was decaying and long dead and had to be fully pulled out? Is this whole, only in NYC can a good hairstylist be found that could give me a BC that I will be satisfied with and I must wait till the fist week of December to go with this all are perfecty orchestrated excuses of stallment and fear? Because look my toe said I will live even when you were afraid of me not coming back to life and accepting my procrastination for taking action. Some moments throughout the day I feel that I am stalling with cutting my hair. For me yes, I admit openly the hair has been a struggle. The use of chemicals for years, which I chose to do was based not on healthy reasons but rather on deeply rooted and complex personal factors. Not a focus here nor now. But since we are on the ever so poignant “self-love-acceptance-freedom” topic, I will share that I don’t shave my legs now. Nor have I shaven my underarms for weeks and I love the hairiness. My hairiness! Yes, I am unapologetic about my self-love.


Moments before I even sat down to write any of this I was browsing the net and doing my admin tasks for the day, when I experienced a suffocating moment of self-pity and sorrow. It just woosh and splashed over me. There was a trigger of course. Then I stopped and just observed my predicament in that moment. The pain was enormous. I traveled in time in the span of milliseconds to the “breakup” thoughts and it was horrid. But when I stopped to calm myself and simply comfort me; I realized that it was the ego that was hurt not me. I am more than fine. I am me and rejoicing. I honestly hope and wish for my ex to be happy and fulfilled from the break up, from tossing me away by rejecting my body and my soul. True story. Both those things were told to me to be reason for the breakup. Now it takes a lot of work to deal with this, but I would not change it for anything in the world. The experience is my journey and I am humbled by it all. I became more aware of life, my life, in gratitude of this moment I am still going with the sense of it all. It has been and is one of the most empowering moments of my young life thus far. I am truly on my terms planting the seeds of my character, values, and countless other things one needs in life. That moment then passed and a new one took over.

К чему же то я всё таки об этом мямлю вдруг? 

I got a call from my aunt and uncle from NYC who are here in D.C. area. What? That was completely random. And now after work I will go to see them and we will have a PJ sleepover at their hotel room to reconnect and I get to re-bond with my lovely little cousins whom I have not seen in years now. Life is precisely this. A collection of moments that need to be lived as they happen. Real time, now!

And through all of these moments I comfort myself. I ferociously appreciate all that I have, the love that I have received and keep receiving in life. I meditate. These random moments are life. Life that is happening right now, in this moment.

It’s more than a coincidence that the events of today already have been reinforcing the message and lessons of meditation I did this morning.

Resilient Me

In life, it is fairly certain that we will each experience difficult and challenging passages. Within each of these moments we are given a special seed of opportunity, a gift. Many times, this point of view can be difficult to embrace in the midst of what appears to be a setback. Today, we spend our time together opening our minds and hearts to the blessings that come to us in disguise.

In the stillness of meditation we begin to gently release ego thoughts connected with success and failure. We begin to trust the movement of life knowing that the universe has much grander plans for us than we could ever fathom. Each step along the path of life, regardless of the destination, is an exciting part of the adventure. The moments themselves are the gift, the journey itself, the rich reward.

Our centering thought for today is:

A gift resides in every moment.


Sat. Chit. Ananda. – Life in a Concious State

Yes I have to learn to sleep better. Well the night before I sort of got a bit overjoyed with dancing and watching my very cherished recorded shows. I succumb to watching very few hours of television which I have with years increasingly abandoned. I am ferociously selective about what I spend my time on watch. These days it is the OWN network, with Super Soul Sunday talks, and random but very enriching selections of shows. Conclusions from last night: I must take on dance lessons or rent a studio to simply go and dance occasionally, Ms. Patty Labelle is amazing and Black Girls and Women Rock. And most importantly I am beyond blessed to have been born a brown woman. Period. My exploration of self and femininity has been tremendously enriched by millions of daily events and happenings. I am infinitely blessed. Needless to say one thing led to another and I stayed up way too long and did not get proper sleep. Yet it was all worth it.

Then dreams were strange too, but their strangeness no longer alarms me. I have a vivid imaginations to say the least. I think there was a robbery involved, potentially a scene from my last relationship and something else. The memory is already faded. I woke up twice, hit the alarm twice more and woke up 20 minutes in time for my bus ride to work. So I thought….of course the notoriously reliable bus has left 10 or so minutes before it’s scheduled time. My day began with a bump. I got a ride to the next bus and hopped on gladly. I cherish this moment of stillness and reflection that bus rides offer. Call me strange, but I find therapy in this.

On the bus ride, there was an intense moment of feeling life in a very conscious way going on when I was caught by a little girl looking at me. We smiled at each other and felt serene. My thoughts then took me to gratitude. I sincerely felt my powerfulness in being awake to what living means. Being in the present, free from the past, and un-expecting of the future. Of course I believe in striving to and having a goal for the future, but how it unveils should not be suffocated by our expectations. I felt all that and more and some tears just dripped for a moment. My consciousness and self felt intense sense of serenity, gratitude, and humbleness by everything around. The people on the bus, the views out of the windows, the going to work, the struggles, the optimism, the gift of life and my personal greatness. I am so powerful, not in a pompous way but in a way that should be utterly acknowledged first and foremost by myself. Work began with many bumps today but at the end of the day and as I am writing with the laptop in my laps way past my bedtime; I am still eternally grateful for everything.

I should sleep now. Meditation day 4 will usher me into sleep and in a few hours my first gig as an ESOL teacher.




On Serving….

“Service to others is the rent you pay for a room here on this Earth.”

— Shirley Chisholm
There is absolutely something healing and orgasmic about being of service and giving gratitude in this life. I am really grateful for feeling this and many new waves of gratifying moments in my life’s journey and at this stage. 
Last night I chopped off yet another portion of my braided hair. The feeling of short hair is feeling really right these days. 
November 11th will mark yet another opportunity to dive into the quietness and reflective gift of guided meditation. If you have not not signed up please try it out, you might find this very soothing to your own soul.
And speaking of time. November 7th is already here….2013 is gearing up for it’s farewell I am sure. 
Time. Life. Self. 
Giving gratitude is the constant.