On simply being

I am in _________with you. No labels though. The feeling is still there and many others have emerged.

My 26th brought in a day of wonder. Later today is a trip to NYC. Even if for a very short time, the city is calling me. So is a friend. 

Live life with wonder and without any labels. Silence, Gratitude. 

 

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For days now a possible posts have been brewing in my mind drafts of which have been patiently sitting in my blog’s storage. A life of a fruitfully thinking girl I suppose. The thoughts are endless and in a good way. Unfortunately, a bit of a delusion might have settled in as well with the coming cold which is attacking my immune system. If there is one “illness” I particularly unwelcome because it seems to me that it can definitely be avoided is anything related to catching the flu. But I am still well and grateful and will get better in no time. This is just a reminder to take better care of health. In the meantime I will blow my nose gently and drink plenty of fluids. Period.

This week my sister’s boyfriend and his twin brother have celebrated their 30th birthdays. I am particularly close with my sister’s boyfriend because well, he is like a big brother to me and over the years he has been a great friend even as our relationship has been undergoing rough patches at different times and even continents. Yes I fancy his kind and stubborn spirit quite a lot. Of course I have joked and teased him about the “you are so old now” fact but also someplace in there I dropped in a “this is such a blessing to get to this age in life.”

Age – such an obsessive notion sometimes, especially when focusing on the “numbers” as opposed to “wisdom, all of the treasured experiences accumulated in those years, the self-development” etc., as opposed to the physical and outwardly meaning of what an older age is. The sheer ability to get to such an age is a miracle and a blessing on their own. Especially in this world when at 13 years old you can be shot with 7 bullets piercing through your body for carrying a toy gun. Yes guns are evil in my opinion too and I will leave that discussion at rest here. May your Soul rest in Peace little Andy. Yet this is the world we live in and it is a frightening place. It is cold, it is heartless, it is frightened, it is rigid and utterly filled with people making deadly mistakes because in my humble observation they have not done soul searching to find themselves; and instead their are the living zombies. I pray in all forms for the humankind to embrace at some point in each person’s life to live a life which Dares Greatly embracing vulnerability and imperfections while living wholeheartedly and courageously. Thank you Dr. Brené Brown for bringing this vision forward and up for discussion to all of us.

And then I am back to the topic of age again. My aunt shared on facebook an article about a 90 year old phenomenal woman by the name of Phyllis Sues who embraces every bit of life and embodies what for me is an exemplary approach to living with a mantra of “There is no age, it’s living each moment to it’s fullest.” Because in reality life really is “in itself is a challenge and you can either, accept it and take action, or you can sit and do nothing. And I am also in the camp of not sitting and waiting for life to happen to me in some mysterious way and reveal itself in some unrealistic nature, no life always moves on (until we die) and then the events and happenings during our lifetimes vary with each stage accordingly. So when I read Sues say “My advice is there is only one winner: accept the challenge, take action and get on with your life no matter what age.” I accept her words wholeheartedly. But she doesn’t just stop there to be inspiring either.

“I started my own fashion label at 50, became a musician and learned Italian and French in my 70s, took tango and trapeze at 80 and walked into my first yoga class at 85. So, if you think you’re old, think again!” Limitations in the mind are trivial to our inner capacity, ability to enjoy life, and embrace our individuality I believe.

And Sues continues on with these emotional punch lines “I have realized, that anything is possible, if you like who you are and what you do. Yes, anything is possible and even probable….I admit, I’m driven but I’m driven by desire and that’s the formula. Desire is so powerful, like you are propelled as if from a canon. Desire to me is the driving force, but action is the result.

Self exploration in fact has always been and always will be a staple of my character. And when I read of the reflections of people like Phyllis who have lived life, yes lived life in all of it’s forms and fully embrace what life is all about – my mind and soul find comfort and hope that even in spite of the coldhardheartedness of our humanity one can still embrace themselves and graciously live an authentic life in the midst of it all.

Happy Birthday Misha and Boris and thank you Phyllis Sues.

Ageless Aging

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Soulful Sunday

It was a rough evening yesterday. The kind where you are still harboring resentment towards your mother and then you scream it out and let her know that she never delivered in a way that you needed her to all your life. The laissze faire attitude towards parenting and lack of taking responsibility that the emotional well being of your child, no matter how old she is now, has something to do with your way of upbringing her which does and will affect her. I am not a mother and perhaps never will be but I am a child of one. There are always emotional footprints of all relationships we are part of. In any case, I do not feel all glorious about the way I said these things and would like to apologize for the delivery but still stand by what I think. I could have had a better mother if she only tried….

Besides that I think that we women have to deal with a lot of hormonal factors that affect our emotions on daily basis. I think my period is due very soon and I am yet again wrapped a bit by the emotional blanket of sometimes uncontrollable sensitivity and sadness. To top it all off perhaps I will never understand why this breakup had to be so painful. I think I could have learned my lessons in a way that was more soothing to the heart and had less toxicity. It just feels like garbage dumped into my heart, soul, and mind that could have also been thrown in a bin – because I like cleanliness and could have put things there calmly too. And the notion that people often say time heals all wounds actually never had a good taste in my mouth. Instead I can resonate better with that it does get easier as your self awareness and confidence grows during the time of healing. Because for me it has been already close to 5 months and some days seem like it was day one. Perhaps it is a combination of time, space, and personal development during this time that will heal everything. I know it is a process because I see and feel it all the time. There are triggers and sometimes factors beyond my own control that pull things backward or make a hold up – but overall I know there is constant progress because that is what I decided for myself I want. Going forward while living in the present and not being stuck and overwhelmed by the past. But this is work and requires, in my opinion a lot of vulnerability, what may seem sometimes crazy talks with yourself, some type of courage, a lot of gratitude and self forgiveness. Although there are a lot more elements in the healing soup – these are just a few. I’m working on it.

As life is uncontrollable and small things just happen to make you feel just a tab bit better; a few moments ago I opened my email browser and saw someone by the name “Robin” liked my blog. This persons shares the name of my first love and the young man that will forever mean so much to be that only my soul can speak of it while my words will utterly fail me. This is a small moment of gratitude to the universe for this random moment of positive and kind emotional relief.

It is Sunday. Next week promises to be as packed as I make it out to be. Though I only have one personal event (yes because I still plan on doing a hair chop soon), one volunteer initiative, training session for my tutoring certification and uggghhh yes 8 (minus one break) days of work straight. A moment here to pause and be grateful for everything once again in my life. I still have an active mind, an ache for continues personal development, dedication and devotion to causes greater than myself, zest for life, shelter, food, life! I have it all really. And I will heal and continue on this roller coaster of life until my time also comes to leave this universe.

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A Saturday

So today started of shaky. Ughh how much I hate the public transport in Washington, D.C. if only one knew. It is extremely unreliable. I should write my complaint I know…because I thought shit what about those people who do not have an alternative and they make minimum wage, and they need to get to work because THIS is the only way they can get to work. Oh yeah, but the bus just decided you know to go 10 minutes early, and said screw you? Yeah, well that bothers me a lot, because I had an alternative this morning and some people don’t! I will write that complain though I wonder why does WMATA need your personal information like contact info including address? Hmmmmm so that bus driver will come to your house and say POP you in the head…you know people are very violent these days? This is a valid thought to ponder upon. In any case, moving on. I made it to work with spare time thanks to a ride. Frustrations aside, work was busy to say the least. Tomorrow’s shift from 11:00-23:00 should be also interesting all on it’s own. I never worked a shift like that in my life! Always something new to learn.

When I got home, a frustration moment with my sister and other things that bother me just prompted me to sing yet another song. I started singing since yesterday and recording myself. It’s improv singing of course, with my own lyrics and NO I am not a “singer”…well I am not many things but at the same time I enjoy a lot of things so I am learning to do them more.  And I want to learn how to play an instrument already…once I tried learning to play the guitar but like everything “artistic” that has to be done for a grade usually doesn’t sit still with my soul. Or I am just spoiled and become too argumentative to having be graded for my artistic self and just lose interest or some sort of ability to do it…hmm I will pick this up again though. Just need to get to it, but will that’s for sure.

Then an article on “20 Things Every Twentysomething Should Know How to Do” which someone had tagged or whatever they do these days on their facebook page, I have been meaning to read. Well I got to it finally and actually I like it a lot. I am definitely doing very well on that list, which once more confirms to me that I am generally doing very well in my soul! Yes, I will give a lot of praise to myself for believe me it is necessary. A lot of people should especially when they see themselves building themselves to be the person that want to be. Life is not an emergency rehearsal – it’s for real and happening now. I need to still learn though how to brew good coffee and tea. This definitely is a great skill to have and since I already know how to make a banging breakfast, I should work on inviting friends over for it more often too next time I have my own place.

So now off to doing some research because I am determined on finding some scholarships for my massage school studies. YES I WILL!

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Letters to myself. Chronicling my adulthood

My day started like this today, catching a glimpse of my bus stop a I waited for the bus to head on to some business.

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It’s wet and cold these days but life is still beautiful. Remember that no matter what.

Before heading out I wrote out these pages.

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I know the last line might be silly. But still I love myself in the most unselfish and needed way. I care nothing for the typos either.

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